Twisted DNA

Everybody has problems. When people have problems they struggle through them and finally find a solution. But if you are too lazy to solve your own problems, there is a plethora of agony aunts who offer perfectly middle-of-the-road, utterly politically correct and hence completely useless advice. However, to rival the Dear Abbys and Dear Margos of the world, there is a new star in the advice column scene. It is none other than our own Bollywood! Who better can advise people than Bollywood with decades of experience in life’s problems.

I have been fortunate enough to obtain the first set of the questions and answers from the brand new advice column, “Dear Bolly!”

Question:
Dear Bolly, I am a proud grandmother of a handsome boy who is now living in the city. I want him to come back to our village and fall in love with this girl. But he refuses. How do I get him to come back to the village?
Answer:
A simple telegram that says “Grandmother serious. Start immediately.” will do the trick. When he comes back expresses shock upon finding you in the pink of health, let out a hallow guffaw and tell him “I will not die until I play with my great-grand children.” The girl you mentioned will take care of falling in love part, with brass innuendos and slutty songs.

Question:
Dear Bolly, I would like to disguise myself. Any suggestions?
Answer:
A completely unrecognizable disguise can be worn by simply wearing black sunglasses and a slightly different hairstyle. Not even your mom will be able to recognize you. But be warned! Lowering the glasses on to the nose and looking over them and winking has been proven to let your girlfriend identify you immediately.

Question:
Dear Bolly, Urgent! A snake bit my girlfriend. What do I do now?
Answer:
Fret not. Snakes can not only inject venom into human bodies, but they can suck the venom out as well, just like sucking juice out of a juice box. The trick is to make a compelling argument to the snake to take the venom back. This can be achieved by climbing up on a hill and singling a melancholy filled song. When you sing the song, the snake has two options to make you stop singing. It can bite you and take you down. Or it can take the venom back from your girlfriend. Stay as far away from your girlfriend as possible, because, then the snake would take the quickest way to put an end to your song and suck the venom back.

Question:
Dear Bolly, My girlfriend is in a girls-only hostel. I want to get into the hostel and meet her. How can I do that?
Answer:
One of the original intentions of burqa is to help men get into women’s hostels. Do not worry if you are a 6-footer or have hairy legs and hands showing through the burqa. Nobody will notice it. Strategically placed balloons (sold separately) are known to enhance the effect.

Question:
Dear Bolly, I am a pretty girl and a sister to a handsome, hero-like, guy. Astrologically, what birthstone should I be wearing to get married soon?
Answer:
It doesn’t matter what birthstone you wear, you will soon be raped. The rapist will refuse to marry you until your brother makes him see the error in his ways, by beating him into a pulp. So the answer to your question is, you will be married soon. So be happy.

Question:
Dear Bolly, my car stopped all of a sudden on a rural road. How do I fix it?
Answer:
There is only one solution any kind of car problem. Pour water in the radiator. Grab the empty can from the trunk, which never fails to be present, and walk in a random direction until you chance up on a lake and a pretty girl taking water from it.

Question:
Dear Bolly, I just had a serious accident and am unconscious. Will I recover?
Answer:
People seldom die from accidents. No matter how you are hurt or what bones are broken, what you immediately need is an operation. The doctor will tell your family exactly how much the operation will cost, which, in most cases, is 1 lakh (100,000) rupees. Don’t worry. Stay peacefully unconscious. You will soon wake up with a bandage to your head and rest of the body unscathed. Please remember that it is good etiquette to ask, “Where am I” upon waking up.

Question:
Dear Bolly, I am a pretty and young girl. What is the proper way of taking a shower?
Answer:
Even in utmost privacy, girls must wrap their torso in a sari or towel while taking a shower and soap only uncovered parts.

Question:
Dear Bolly, I am poor but for a brief period I need to make people believe that I am rich. How do I do that?
Answer:
The key to your success lies in obtaining the right kind of a glittery, slivery long coat that has the right mix of garishness and cheapness. Which should be topped by an equally appalling hat. Other accoutrements include shiny shirts, crocodile shoes and large glasses. A possible source of such costume would be Las Vegas pimps. Speak in a weird “foreign” accent. Carry two suitcases and tell people that the suitcases are full of gold. That’s it. Everybody in the world will believe that you are extremely affluent.

Question:
Dear Bolly, I am a five year old boy and talk like a 16 year old. I want a baby brother or sister. How do I get one?
Answer:
I am sorry that you are slow in development. 5 year old boys should be talking like 19 year olds. In any case, you might try an advanced technique to achieve your means. You start by asking your mom and dad to kiss you on either cheek. While their faces are in forward motion, with lips extended like suction cups, you slide your head out of the way. Completely oblivious of this change, your parents will continue the forward motion like two brain-dead zombies, to meet in the middle, causing a kiss to happen. A kiss on the lips is known to spontaneously produce a baby.

15 years ago. It was the living room of a quiet house in a small town in India. Seated there, at the edge of their seats, were three young guys in their late teens. The tension in the room was palpable. Their eyes were glued to the TV. As an outside observer, I know the reader has questions. What is so gripping about the old-fashioned girl-on-girl porn they are watching? Are these teens anxious to find out whether the older girl is able to properly teach the younger girl how to satisfy her boyfriend?

Interrupting the enchanting pop sound-track of the movie, spoke guy_1, “Do you think we will be able to finish the movie before your parents return?” Guy_2 chimed in, “Yeah, do you think we should fast forward a bit?”

Guy_3 pointed to the women on TV, who, by that time, were moaning at a pitch attainable only by Vampire bats, and said, “The movie can’t be much longer. It’s only 8:50. Mom and dad wont’ be back before 9. We will have enough time to finish the movie and have a smoke before they arrive.”

Noticing the discomfort on their faces, Guy_3 explained his master plan. “Listen, If I hear them at the main door, I will run and intercept them. I will buy you enough time to retrieve the cassette out of the VCR and hide it in my room. It’s as simple as that.” Reassured they went back to watching the tangle of limbs on the screen and trying to figure out whose hand is doing what to which body part.

The reassurance lasted for about 5 minutes until the TV screen went blank. As darkness descended in the room, their hearts stopped with the realization that the power just went out. “Holy shit!” shouted one of them, “How the hell are we going to get the tape out of the VCR?” Another guy chose a stronger swear word, more appropriate for the occasion, and proceeded to repeat it with different stress each time. “Fuck fuck fuck…” Out of this chaos boomed the nonchalant voice of Guy_3, “Guys, let’s not panic. We are engineers. We can take the VCR apart in 2 minutes and get the cassette out.”

At any other time Guy_1 and Guy_2 would have sat Guy_3 down and discussed: 1. How wrong he was when he said “we are engineers” when there is no hope of their passing second year of engineering. 2. How opening up VCRs is not remotely connected to their engineering curriculum. 3. How they would love to kick Guy_3 in the nuts for not panicking. But they didn’t,because opening the VCR was the best idea at that time.

With impressive speed the VCR was opened. It didn’t take them too long to figure out that VCRs are not like candy boxes which you open and grab whatever you want from them. In fact, the “Star Whores Episode IV: A new hole” video tape was locked in some intricate mechanism which was difficult to study in the candlelight. At which point Guy_1 asked, “Guys, don’t you think it would look more suspicious if we are caught with an open VCR? How would we explain it?” With this new insight into the situation the VCR was assembled back.

After half an hour, the power did not come back but the parents did. The three guys nervously wandered around the living room hoping the power would be restored before the living room was locked from inside for the night. The power was restored soon after but with one glitch. Guy_3’s mom was immediately heard saying, “Oh good the power’s back. Let me turn off the TV so we can go bed.” Guy_3 sprang to action shouting, “Mom can I talk to you privately in the kitchen?”

It is inconsequential what irrelevant matter Guy_3 discussed in the kitchen or the fact that his mom was heard saying, “OK, but why do we have to talk about it now?”. Nevertheless the video tape was transferred to safety before the discussion ended.

Different people react differently to the same situation. Guy_1 didn’t stop trembling for a week. Guy_2 asked later that night, “Those girls were amazing. Do you think we can manage to see it again tomorrow?” Guy_3 blogged about it 15 years later.

A couple of weeks ago, a then friend of mine asked me how he can promote his blog. I gave him some ideas. For the benefit of humanity, I am sharing the tips here.

Here are Twisted DNA’s top 10 inexpensive ways to promote your blog.

Write the blog URL on your back and streak across any big game

9
Change work email signature to your Blog URL. Remember that everybody is allowed one accidental email to “Company All”.

8
Prepare posters of your blog URL. Roam around in the mall and find people in wheel chairs. Quietly stick the posters to the back of the wheel chairs. People in the wheel chairs are quite nice and won’t say a word as long as they don’t know you stuck those posters. Free advertisement all day.

7
Go to the airport passenger service and report that your kid is missing. Insist that your kid’s name is your blog URL. For the next few hours, passengers at the airport will hear, “twisted-dna.com, please come to passenger service.”

6
Sign up for story reading for kids at your local library. Remember, it’s OK to insert product placements into the story you are reading. For example, “Seven dwarfs came home after a hard day’s labor and logged on to Twisted-dna.com while Snowhite cooked the dinner.”

5
Cut outlines of your blog URL in aluminum wrap. Go to the beach on a warm day. Carefully drop the the outlines on oblivious sunbathers’ backs (or on their faces if they are sound asleep). They will advertise your blog for free until their tan wears off.

4
Find a celebrity lookalike, make a fake celebrity sex tape and distribute it. In the sex tape, wisely weave your URL into the dialog. For example: “Oh God. Yes. Yes. Last time I had so much pleasure was when I was reading twisted-dna.com. Don’t stop now.”

3
Camp out at an obstetrics ward. Talk to women going into labor rooms and tell them that the new Lamaze technique is to shout out your URL when they are having contractions. For the next few hours they will promote your blog at the top of their lungs.

2
Follow fire engines. If there is a fire, hang banners of your site near the fires. News crews will take care of the rest.

1
Print tons of copies of your blog. Go to all public restrooms in your area and leave copies in the restroom stalls. People using them have NOTHING else to do and will read your blog. Be prepared to accept some criticism, expressed in innovative ways.