Twisted DNA

Dr. Becky Smith, the psychiatrist, seated herself across from Twisted DNA.  After a quick hello, she came straight to the point.  Looking at Twisted DNA intensely, she asked, “Why are you here?”

“They think I am weird,” said Twisted DNA, “and I want to find out…”  She didn’t let him finish the sentence.  “Who are they?” she interrupted. 

“I should have chosen a male psychiatrist” Twisted DNA muttered to himself.

“My blog readers,” said TD
“You have a blog? A real one with real readers?  Not imaginary?”  She inquired.  Dr. Smith seemed convinced that Twisted DNA was off the rocker from the get go.
“It’s a real one!  I am not that nuts yet.  You can check it out at twisted-dna.com”
“Twisted DNA?  That’s a wacky name.  Why did you choose that name?”
“Because that’s my name”
“You call yourself Twisted DNA?”

She scribbled in her pad, in plain view.  “Likes to be identified as abnormal,” she wrote.

“It would help me understand you better if I saw your blog.”  She opened the blog and she immediately was taken aback.

“Dirty pictures of pregnant woman?”
“No, no.  It is just a humorous article on how to have fun at a gynecologists office”

She paid no attention and scrolled down quickly glancing through the articles.  “Another article on pregnancy.. hmm.. how many times did you write about pregnant woman in the recent past?”

“A few times,” TD said meekly.
“Man having fun at gynecologist.  Dirty pictures of pregnant women.  Let me ask you, do women in the gynecologists room turn you on?”
“WHAT? What the …”
“Are pregnant woman your fetish? 
Twisted DNA sat upright, horrified.  “NO!” he shouted, “how the hell did you make that inference?”

She said nothing but scribbled on her pad again: “Pregnant women is an emotional subject for patient.”  Without lifting her eyes from the pad, she spoke sternly, “Please don’t read my notes.”  She put a hand on the notes to hide them.

She continued the interview.  “So your readers, do they have similar interests?” she asked, carefully selecting the word “interests”.

Irritated, Twisted DNA lashed out, “Don’t insult my readers.  Most of them are women with children.”

Dr. Smith said nonchalantly, “Are you saying they were all pregnant at one time?”

TD found no words to respond.  He buried his face in his hands and stared at her vacantly.

She continued, “Are you attracted to your readers?”

Waving his hands frantically, TD shouted, “NO NO!”

It was as if those words never reached Dr. Smith.  She continued, “It seems their accusation of your being is weird may not be completely groundless.”

She scribbled something in the pad.  As she put the pen back, she dropped it on the floor.  It presented a good opportunity for TD to read the notes when Dr. Smith bent down to retrieve the pen.  As he stood up to read the notes, Dr. Smith suddenly looked up.  Her face turned red.  She clutched her blouse closer and shouted, “Are you checking out my maternity bra?”

Twisted DNA dropped on his knees and begged.  “Dr. Smith, I don’t know how to convince you.  My writing about pregnancy means nothing.  It’s just an easy topic to write humorously.  At least read rest of the blog.”

She seemed a little convinced.  She let go of the paperweight she was holding and proceeded to read rest of the blog.  She read for a few minutes, her face very serious, which in itself was an insult for what was purported to be a humor blog. To add injury she asked, “Do you use any illegal drugs?”

“No,” answered TD.
“So you produced all this while you were completely conscious.”
“Yes”
“All those Pee-etiquette, Indian-Spider man, Pregnancy advice and rest of the, um.. humor, you wrote consciously and willingly?”
“Yes”

Dr. Smith spoke with a surprised look on her face, “I have seen so many people in my career.  Boy, you are the weirdest!”

Twisted DNA sighed in relief.  Weird is so much better than pervert.  He asked, “All I want to know is, if I will ever be normal”

She said, with a sympathy filled tone, “Mr. DNA.  Looking at your work so far, I am sorry to say there is no hope for you.  You will be weird for the rest of your life.”

Twisted DNA beamed with delight.  “Thank you! that’s all I wanted to know. I can blog forever.”  He walked out a relieved man. 

I would like to take this opportunity to thank the one search term that got this blog a major portion of hits. It is the phrase “Saree Below Navel.” You cannot imagine how many people search for that phrase on a daily basis. The flood of these hits started when I wrote the post on Sarees. To this date, the number of these search hits rival the numbers of genuine, non-pervert reader hits.

Initially it used to be just “Saree Below Navel.” Of late, I am seeing a host of variations, all centered around Navel. We can attribute it to people becoming either very specific in their tastes or more astute in their ability to use search engines. In any case, here are a few interesting variations.

Saree below sexy navel: Not some godforsaken ugly navel, mind you, a sexy one. Better be specific than sorry for searching for navel pics and stumbling upon mediocre navels.

Saree below navel in bra: “Transferred epithet”, I believe, is what this figure of speech is called as I could hardly imagine a navel adorned in a lacy bra. We must assume that the said bra is worn by the owner of the said navel. But on the other hand, who are we to judge one’s preference of navels and their accoutrements.

Saree below naval: I take comfort in believing that I live in a world of typos rather than a world full of people with some kinky fantasies involving armed forces and Indian garments.

Elizabeth Hurley in saree below navel: It might seem absurd that one would look for her pictures with saree below navel when one could get pictures of her with skirt below ankles. But let’s not underestimate the power of fetish.

Saree below navel pics: Wise people learn quickly to refine their search terms after stumbling upon too many articles that verbosely drone on navel below saree without any pictures, like this one.

Saree below navel above knees: Interesting. Wouldn’t the woman have to be like 12 feet tall for this to happen!?

Mother saree below navel: I hope they found their mom’s pictures

Saree below navel sex: It reeks of their inexperience in either sarees or sex or both not to realize that the entire phrase “saree below navel” is redundant in this case

Saree 10 inches below navel: My, my. Fastidious, aren’t they! They don’t accept it if the saree is 9 inches or 11 inches below the navel. It has to be 10 inches! I wonder if it is even possible without the help of adhesive tape.

Women in saree below navel: This search phrase opened my eyes to my own shameful gender bias. When people search for “Saree Below Navel,” I have been mistakenly assuming that they are looking for women. They could be looking for men! Why one would look for men in a saree, irrespective of its position relative to navel, is better left unexplored.

In the “good manners” books, they spend chapters upon chapters on such details as which hand to hold the fork with and which finger to pick the nose with. But they don’t spare a word for public restroom etiquette. Which forces me to pass on a few etiquette requests to my colleagues and other people I had the misfortune of sharing a restroom with.

1. When you are in the restroom, I implore you to keep oral communication at a minimum. In other words, shut the f up. We are not having a communal, joyous experience here. Just finish your job and get out.

2. Do you know what’s worse than #1? Turning your head and looking at the guy you are talking to. It’s creepy. Don’t do it. Just pretend there is something very interesting going on in your bowl and focus on it.

3. Do you know what’s worse than #2? Talking from inside the stall. I don’t really need to associate you with all the reverberating sound-effects.

4. As you know, urinals come in two sizes. Tall and short. For some reason short guys insist on choosing the tall one, even if they have to stand up on their toes to reach it. So, please, let the tall guy behind you have the tall one.

5. When somebody is waiting for your to finish, please take as much time as you need to finish your job and dress yourself properly, including zipping up completely before you turn around from the urinal. I am speaking for the entire male and most of female community when I say, nobody wants to see your underpants.

6. It really doesn’t concern me but I have to say this. Please don’t set your drinks on the urinal! Can’t you leave them at your desk or on the sink? And it is just plain gross to sip your drink while urinating.

7. If the restroom has more than one urinal, it is customary to leave at least one urinal between you and any other fellow users. But don’t go out of your way to leave more than one gap. You will look too secretive and raise suspicion.

8. Some restrooms are cursed with attached showers. I understand that you have to wait for the shower when somebody is using it. But that does not give you the right to bare yourself in full-frontal, thereby permanently scarring the retinas of unsuspecting restroom users. Please, for the love of all straight Greek gods, wear a towel or something.

9. It must be one of those unsolved medical mysteries, why some people’s Salivary glands lunge into production precisely when they are at the urinal. Whatever the reason may be, spitting while urinating is disgusting. Further more, you are challenging yourself to hit a single target from two different sources, thereby defocussing yourself and increasing the chances of inaccuracy in your delivery. Remember that the subsequent users of the urinal must suffer the results of your failure to hit the target.

10. Do you really have to check news on your phone when peeing, performing a fine balancing act with both hands, where any slight slippage of either hand could be very expensive? Let me break it to you. Unless you have superpowers to make news happen faster by peeing, nothing is going to change in those 2 minutes.

11. Any bodily contact with another person, such has hand-shakes or shoulder-touches, while in restroom, must be avoided at all costs. Should such contact be unavoidable, it must be restricted to the “green zones.” The following picture depicts a normal path traversed by ordinary urinators. Green and hazard zones are marked.