Twisted DNA

The Mad Momma, with a cruel sense of humor, tagged a bunch of parents to talk about their sex lives. The tag is going around the blogworld as “How do you have rocking sex after a baby.”

If you are thinking, “Huh, what’s the big deal,” let me spell out the two implicit rules of the tag.
1. The aforementioned rocking sex must be within marriage
2. It must involve both of you

Like a true software engineer (who is old and pedantic), I came up with a flow-chart. This flow-chart speaks for any parent of a toddler.

Pri tagged me to do the “favorites tag.” I am supposed to write down my favorite things. When I got down to writing it, I realized that, like everything else in modern life, my favorites have fine-print too. So read carefully.

• Wife’s sweet voice - when she is telling me to go out with my friends

• Beer bashes - if they serve wine

• Tanks - on pretty girls

• Freshly cleaned shining bathroom - without kid’s toys floating in the commode

• Cats - after I ate two packets of Claritin for breakfast

• Dogs - whose owners don’t share my zip code

• Ice cream - when the next guy is eating a bigger scoop than mine so I can eat guilt-free

• Paris Hilton as an actress - only in home-made movies

• Classical music concerts - when the guy in the next seat doesn’t hum like an irritating mosquito

• Crisp, sunny California mornings - when I am sleeping through them

• Reckless and fearless swimming - in a swimming pool where there is no chance of my drowning even if I tried

• Long phone conversations - Calls to customer services do not count

• People doing this tag - without fine print

Let me tag people who may have more interesting favorites than me:
Melody - With so many things she likes, it’s going to be hard for her to pick her favorite favorites
Asha - Strictly non-food please
Dr. Mosi - Absolutely no talking about your research

Just $9.99. Cheap.

Chandni wrote a piece on men and their limbs adorning unexpected shoulders. That reminded me of something that happened when I was in college.

It was a hot summer afternoon. I was doing justice to the good money my parents paid to send me to college by contemplating on my education and college. I was sitting in a movie theatre on a school day along with a friend, but I honestly thought about my education for a whole of 15 seconds.

There was nobody in our near vicinity except for this couple who were sitting right in front of us. If one inspects them closely, which we meticulously did immediately upon arrival, one would notice that the lady looked to be in her 30s and the guy was young, probably less than 20. Let’s call him kid.

About 20 minutes into the movie, we noticed some uncomfortable shuffling in front of us. The kid carefully moved his arm and surreptitiously placed it behind the woman, on the top of the seat, without actually touching her.

My friend and I theorized that the kid was unsure of how the woman was feeling towards him. Was it a casual movie with a neighbor’s kid or was she open for a little fun in the dark? Only time will tell.

It was obvious that the kid felt the hand would be more comfortable around her shoulders and inched it towards her a couple of times but he kept screwing up his courage. It was getting more interesting than the movie so we were paying close attention.

After a couple of minutes, the kid gathered enough nerve to tentatively let his fingers touch her shoulders. She jumped 4 feet in her seat, turned 180 degrees and looked directly in our direction. What did she find? She found two young guys starting at her and drooling abundantly. She concluded based on circumstantial evidence that we had administered that little touch. She gave us a glare enough to melt us in our seats. Fortunately, before she could explore more physically damaging options, the kid gestured to her that it was his hand that trespassed. She gave him a long stare and went back to watching the movie.

All three of us were completely confused (the kid and we two friends). What did she mean by the stare? Did she want the guy to touch or not? By that time, the kid completely lost his nerve. He kept the hand behind her on the seat but he was making no effort to touch her again.

My friend and I concluded that the best move for him would be to touch her again. There was no point in dragging it on. If she was OK with his touch, good for both of them! If she was not, then it’s good too; the kid can move on to the next neighbor. The status quo was not good. Something had to happen.

Something did happen. After 15 minutes, the woman turned to the kid, gave him her patented glare and stormed out of the theatre followed by the completely confused kid. My friend and I bolted out of the theatre in a different direction as soon as they left.

To make sense of this fall out, you have to know what happened just before she walked out. My altruistic friend, wishing to put and end to the kid’s misery, executed a coup de grâce. He gave a quick poke on the woman’s shoulder to set things in motion. If you are wondering why we disappeared from the scene, just imagine what would’ve happened if the woman and kid compared notes and came back for us! I am glad that my hands and legs are still intact.

Update: I might have given the impression that I condone my friend’s behavior towards a woman. I do not. I did not. He got hell from me for this.

God created man. Then he created teeth. Then he created dentists and told them, “Go and wreck havoc on Earth. Create imaginary gum deceases. Endorse tar-tasting toothpastes.” Dentists were happy for some time. Then they all went back to God and said, “Dude we can’t seem to find enough problems. Help us out.” God created Wisdom teeth.

The dentist began talking even before he saw my x-ray.

Dentist: Your third molar is impacted. We need to extract it.

For a moment I thought I accidentally walked into a car body shop.

Me: What?

Dentist: We need to remove your wisdom teeth

Me: Why?

Dentist: I need to go on a cruise

Me: Huh?

Dentist: I mean, *medical mumbo-jumbo* ultimately your wisdom tooth is doing obscene things to the next tooth.

Me: But I don’t feel any pain or anything

Dentist: That’s why we need to remove it immediately (Otherwise it may never cause a problem)

Me: Fine

For the surgery I had to pick a form of anesthetic. Local, Local + mild sedation or Local + general anesthetic. I chose the second option and marked it on a paper.

On the day of the extraction, this Chinese doctor walks in. We both were apparently speaking English but either can’t understand what other is trying to say. It took me five minutes to explain to her what my height and weight are with her asking me “Pardon me, can you repeat that” after every word I said.

Finally, having filled out the paper work she stuck the IV in my arm and started the drip.

She: So you chose general anesthesia, right?

I panicked.

Me: No, no! I chose the second option. Mild sedative?

She: Pardon me, can you repeat that?

Me: I said…

I was knocked out cold.

I woke up after who knows how long, two teeth lighter. I woke up briefly to confirm the person picking me up was my wife and then I don’t remember anything. My wife informed me later that I volunteered some juicy information in my stupor. I don’t know what I said, but all I know is I am not going to win another argument in next 15 years.

So here I am. Sitting with half my face swollen like a football. My friend calls me asks me why I didn’t get rid of the other two wisdom teeth at the same time. I don’t know. My doctor didn’t tell me to. May be the doctor is using my mouth like a little savings account. Those two will come in handy when he needs the next cruise.

Chat is my primary means of communication with friends, colleagues, family and annoying cousins who don’t have internet access. Half the people I befriended in the blogworld are on my chat too. As a result, I chat all day.

There are downsides to chatting all day, apart from Carpal-Tunnel Syndrome. I tend to make typos. Some typos are innocuous. But some promote profound misunderstanding of my character. I was fortunate enough to save some of the biggest typos I did (so that I can use them on a rainy day when I don’t have any other interesting post).

I would like to vindicate myself of some of the unflattering impressions I may have created.

• I may have rooted for a specific body part of yours (go tit), but I just meant to say I got it.
• I may have accidentally made sexist comments about random women, (I like her butt), but it was a simple case of an extra “t”. I meant to say “I like her, but….”
• I may have insulted popular people (He is retarded as an authority), I just have regard for them
• I may have sounded like I was bagging quickies in the middle of the afternoon at work, (back in a sex) but I was just taking a break for a “sec” (without sex, of course)
• I may have spread vile office rumors about my superiors (he has 20 people blow him). I meant to say that guy has 20 people below him.
• Just because the PCI port seems to take anything in it, I might have sounded like I was insulting it (stick it in the PCI slut), but I just meant slot
• I may have asked you to do nasty things to your monitor (Did you tryc licking on the icon). I hope you didn’t try that. Just click on the icon.
• I may have sounded like I was asking for sexual favors (Can you do me). I was not. At least, not in this instance. It was just an eager-enter syndrome. I pressed enter before typing “a favor”
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