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Do you know why you shouldn’t call your friends who have kids in the age range of 12-24 months? Allow me to explain.
I called a friend of mine recently. She has been extremely busy after she had had her baby. So we didn’t talk in a long time. I will let the conversation transcript speak for itself.
After some conversation.
Me: How is your son doing? He should be close to 18 months right?
Friend: Ya! He is very talkative these days! He’s been grabbing the phone from me. Here say hi to him.
Me: What!? No, wait wait…
(Silence on the phone)
Friend: (Distant voice) Say hello TD uncle
Son: (Silence)
Friend: (Distant voice) Say na
Vague sound of a wad of saliva landing on the mouthpiece and a tongue picking it up
Friend, who took the words “Don’t give up on your children” to heart: (Distant voice) Say hello TD uncle
Son: ga ga gaa ga
Friend: (Distant voice) GOOD JOB! Did you hear that, TD?
Me: (Stunned Silence)
Friend: (Distant voice) Say something back to him TD
Me: Give the phone to your mommy
After a few minutes of this lively dialog between the child and me, my friends takes the phone back.
Friend: He really likes talking to you!
Me: Ya, it will be a delight talking to him when he learns a few more words
Friend: No, no he can say a lot of words. He can say all ABCs. Munnu, here say ABCs to TD uncle
Without checking if I was a consenting adult, the phone was handed back the child.
Son: (Silence)
Friend: (Distant voice) Say ABCs
Son: ga ga ga gaa
Friend: (Distant voice) You for got C munnu. Say C, D, E
Son: ga ga gaa
Friend: (Distant voice) GOOD JOB!
I will spare you rest of the alphabet. I hung up soon enough, promising to get her some information she needed.
I called her back a week later with the info. But this time I was careful enough to call when she would not be home so I can just leave a voice mail. When I got the her voice mail, here is the message:
Friends’ voice: Hi you’ve reached X, Y and (whispers ’say it’… ’say’) (Son’s voice) ga ga (Back to Friend in a giddy tone) Please leave us a message *beep*
I couldn’t leave a message because I was speechless.
You can imagine how happy I was when I got hold of her on chat. Chat must be safe until her son learns to type. Except…
Friend: Hang on, Munna is all over the laptop
Me: Ok
Friend: He wants to say something to you 
Friend: .z..,zxcnv..a.,x
Update: Just wanted to mention that this picture got on the front page of digg.com and got around 2000 digs
Nobody asked me to review the movie Dark Knight. So I am doing it.
The Dark Knight is a deliciously wonderful movie for anybody who grew up reading Batman comics. I didn’t grow up reading Batman comics.
In fact, I don’t even understand Batman. What does Batman have in common with a bat other than the fact that they both are classified as mammals? He can’t fly. Nor can he generate ultrasonics. I was waiting throughout the movie for the Batman to hang upside down on a tree, he didn’t do that either. I was this close to demanding my money back. Also, have you ever seen a bat fight bad guys? You never did. You know why? Because they don’t. All they do is hang in some dark corner; and when you get up on a building, lean on the wall and throw a stone, they fly up and scratch your face. Hypothetically, I mean.
Let’s talk about the cast. First of all, Christian Bale doesn’t look like a bat. He looks more like a vulture. He did his best to act and in a couple of scenes he actually showed some expressions. I wish they didn’t make his mask so tight though. Every time he wore it, it pinched his throat and his voice became very hoarse. It’s got to be pretty darn annoying fighting bad guys while gasping for air.
There was this Joker too. He was amazing. Rest in peace, Mr. Ledger.
Most people don’t notice, but there is a heroine in the movie. I saw cadavers livelier than her and blank whiteboards more interesting than her face. She is like a decorative African art on a table – nobody knows why it is there and you won’t even notice it until it catches on fire. That is precisely what happens in the movie. She moves the story along only after she is dead. (WARNING: There is a spoiler in the previous line)
I guess my biggest gripe with this movie is that batman is not even like a hero in the movie, forget superhero. Batman gets beat up, hit by a car, bitten by dogs, shot at and slammed into a wall – in the first five minutes. It gets worse after that. What is missing in the movie is Batman’s mother so he could run whimpering to his mommy every time Joker outwits him. And in a crowing moment of glory, batman ends the movie running away being chased by street dogs.
What I am saying is, overall, it’s a great movie.
I leave you with a few outtakes from the movie:
Women proved themselves capable of excelling in every field. They completed Herculean missions; scaled insurmountable heights. But when it comes to Physics, they fail to grasp some basic physical laws. They either don’t understand these laws or have utter disregard for them. I believe a Physics 101 is in order.
Law of constant volume: The volume of an object is constant whichever way you bend it. So the statement, “We can’t fit all the clothes if you just stuff them in the bag. We need to fold the clothes properly” is not valid.
The law of uniform heat transference: It will take exactly the same amount of time for the wet towel to dry whether it is on the towel-hanger or on bed.
Law of non-magnetism of hands: Human hands do not act as magnets to bacteria, virus, germs and other vicious microbes. Therefore, washing hands more than twice a day is utter waste of one’s valuable time.
Newton’s First Law: “Don’t throw the car keys in the sofa, you will lose them” contradicts Newton’s First Law. The keys will continue to stay at rest on the sofa unless some restless force moves them.
Non-transitivity of physical objects: If person A touches an object and person B touches the same object, it is not equivalent to A and C touching and groping each other. So it is perfectly alright to share a soap among a bunch of people.
Law of conservation of mass: Whichever way you squeeze the toothpaste tube, the amount of toothpaste in the tube does not reduce.
Law of opacity: Light does not travel through opaque objects. Therefore, the state of disintegration of underwear is not visible to public through other opaque clothing. So it is perfectly safe to use underwear until it is reduced to a few strands of threads.
Law of fixed boiling point under constant pressure: The gasoline in the gas-tank does not instantly evaporate as soon as the gas indicator lights up
Law of sound not being in visual spectrum: Eyes don’t have to be focused on the source of sound to hear the sound. So when the eyes are looking at TV, ears can perfectly hear the sound coming out of somebody’s mouth.
Dr. Becky Smith, the psychiatrist, seated herself across from Twisted DNA. After a quick hello, she came straight to the point. Looking at Twisted DNA intensely, she asked, “Why are you here?”
“They think I am weird,” said Twisted DNA, “and I want to find out…” She didn’t let him finish the sentence. “Who are they?” she interrupted.
“I should have chosen a male psychiatrist” Twisted DNA muttered to himself.
“My blog readers,” said TD
“You have a blog? A real one with real readers? Not imaginary?” She inquired. Dr. Smith seemed convinced that Twisted DNA was off the rocker from the get go.
“It’s a real one! I am not that nuts yet. You can check it out at twisted-dna.com”
“Twisted DNA? That’s a wacky name. Why did you choose that name?”
“Because that’s my name”
“You call yourself Twisted DNA?”
She scribbled in her pad, in plain view. “Likes to be identified as abnormal,” she wrote.
“It would help me understand you better if I saw your blog.” She opened the blog and she immediately was taken aback.
“Dirty pictures of pregnant woman?”
“No, no. It is just a humorous article on how to have fun at a gynecologists office”
She paid no attention and scrolled down quickly glancing through the articles. “Another article on pregnancy.. hmm.. how many times did you write about pregnant woman in the recent past?”
“A few times,” TD said meekly.
“Man having fun at gynecologist. Dirty pictures of pregnant women. Let me ask you, do women in the gynecologists room turn you on?”
“WHAT? What the …”
“Are pregnant woman your fetish?
Twisted DNA sat upright, horrified. “NO!” he shouted, “how the hell did you make that inference?”
She said nothing but scribbled on her pad again: “Pregnant women is an emotional subject for patient.” Without lifting her eyes from the pad, she spoke sternly, “Please don’t read my notes.” She put a hand on the notes to hide them.
She continued the interview. “So your readers, do they have similar interests?” she asked, carefully selecting the word “interests”.
Irritated, Twisted DNA lashed out, “Don’t insult my readers. Most of them are women with children.”
Dr. Smith said nonchalantly, “Are you saying they were all pregnant at one time?”
TD found no words to respond. He buried his face in his hands and stared at her vacantly.
She continued, “Are you attracted to your readers?”
Waving his hands frantically, TD shouted, “NO NO!”
It was as if those words never reached Dr. Smith. She continued, “It seems their accusation of your being is weird may not be completely groundless.”
She scribbled something in the pad. As she put the pen back, she dropped it on the floor. It presented a good opportunity for TD to read the notes when Dr. Smith bent down to retrieve the pen. As he stood up to read the notes, Dr. Smith suddenly looked up. Her face turned red. She clutched her blouse closer and shouted, “Are you checking out my maternity bra?”
Twisted DNA dropped on his knees and begged. “Dr. Smith, I don’t know how to convince you. My writing about pregnancy means nothing. It’s just an easy topic to write humorously. At least read rest of the blog.”
She seemed a little convinced. She let go of the paperweight she was holding and proceeded to read rest of the blog. She read for a few minutes, her face very serious, which in itself was an insult for what was purported to be a humor blog. To add injury she asked, “Do you use any illegal drugs?”
“No,” answered TD.
“So you produced all this while you were completely conscious.”
“Yes”
“All those Pee-etiquette, Indian-Spider man, Pregnancy advice and rest of the, um.. humor, you wrote consciously and willingly?”
“Yes”
Dr. Smith spoke with a surprised look on her face, “I have seen so many people in my career. Boy, you are the weirdest!”
Twisted DNA sighed in relief. Weird is so much better than pervert. He asked, “All I want to know is, if I will ever be normal”
She said, with a sympathy filled tone, “Mr. DNA. Looking at your work so far, I am sorry to say there is no hope for you. You will be weird for the rest of your life.”
Twisted DNA beamed with delight. “Thank you! that’s all I wanted to know. I can blog forever.” He walked out a relieved man.
If you are a woman visiting the gynecologist, you have plenty to occupy yourself with. But for a guy who is accompanying, willingly or otherwise, there is nothing to do other than stare at the walls. If you want to avoid getting bored out of your mind, you need to find something to do. Anything. Here are a few tips to keep yourself amused.
———-
* Every gynecologist’s office has stacks of pregnancy magazines. Go through them and find pictures of pregnant woman who are air-brushed to perfection, like these:
Use your pen and imagination to add bad hair, a few stretch marks and, in general, make them look more natural.
Add the confused and scared husband too, if you so please.
Time killed: 15 minutes
———-
* Find a breast-exam brochure and give yourself a breast exam
Time killed: 5 minutes (Varies depending on how thorough you are)
———-
* When nobody is watching, pour some water on the floor near the receptionist and shout, “Watch your step, there is a puddle of water here.” Then watch the show as all pregnant women run to the bathroom to check if their water broke
Time killed: 3 minutes
———-
* See if you can get hold of two speculums. (If you don’t know what a speculum is, you will find out when a doctor tries to expand a crevice in your body). Use the two speculums as ducks to put on an impromptu duck puppet show.
Time killed: 15-30 minutes, depending on the size of audience
———-
* Go into men’s bathroom and call the reception on your cellphone and complain angrily that they are out of tampons in men’s bathroom.
Time killed: 5 minutes. (30 minutes if they call security)
———-
* Go to the sign-in sheet and enter the name, “Aineed Tupee” in there. Wait for the nurse to come out a few minutes later and shout,
“Aineed Tupee … AINEED TUPEE”
Time killed: 1 minute
———-
* Every gynecologist’s waiting room has a huge chart describing all available forms of contraceptives for women. The charts even have professionally photographed pictures (No, not of women wearing them!). Go to that chart. Look at each contraceptive and “expand” it into something else. For example, take IUD (Copper T):
You can turn it into:
Time killed: 20 minutes (1+ hours if you pack paints and stuff beforehand)
———-
* Did you notice every gynecologist’s waiting room has humongous posters of “Female Reproductive System”? Something like this:
I may not be able to crack the mystery that puzzled mankind since the beginning of time. Why do they hang it on the walls there? But I can tell you that, with a dextrous finger, you can use the diagram to perfect your technique.
Time killed: Limited only by your imagination (0 minutes if children are present)
