It took them a lot more research to find a problem that is solved by the Receiver.  If you have a lot of audio/video players that want to share the same goddamn speakers, you need a Receiver.  In other words, a Receiver is a piece of equipment which accepts input from several audio/video sources and outputs nothing.  It is an Entertainment device.  Most of the entertainment is derived while setting it up.  This is how it went for me.

When we bought our receiver a year ago, the first thing I did was to study the back of the receiver carefully.  It took me half an hour to figure out that I was holding it up side down.  Not that it made much sense the right side up.  For the curious, the backside of the receiver looks somewhat like this:

After an hour of writhing under the sofas, shoving speakers in every corner of the house and inhaling a few pounds of dust, all I achieved was clean living room floor that I inadvertently cleaned with my undershirt when I crawled around the room on my belly. Oh yes, I got all the connections done too.  For the grand finale, I played my favorite CD.  Then I heard it.  The crystal clear sound of silence, in Dolby 5.1 surround.  Nothing.  Not a peep.  Nothing was there to speak for my hard work other than the clean floor.

Not the one to give up, I went to work checking the connections.  I heard a whirring sound.  “Yes! There is sound!” I told myself.  Didn’t matter what sound.  I jumped out to see where it was coming from.  It was coming from the running power drill, which was carelessly left around, in the hands of our 3 year old son who explained to me that he was trying to help.  If  Wife sees him with it, the power drill privileges will be taken away.  From me.  After the power drill was returned to safety (under the couch), I got back to work.

Then, putting professional contortionists to shame, I snaked myself into the tiny gap between the entertainment center and the wall into a wild forest of open electric wires, spiky tools and broken light bulbs.  When I explained the mortal hazard of my situation to Wife, she asked me to get the toys the Kid threw in that gap when I was done.  The risk I took partly paid off.  I got the toys out.  No sound though.  I halted the work for the night.  I vowed to get back to it at daybreak.

Later that night, Wife handed me an unfamiliar object sealed in a plastic bag.  She pleaded with me, “Please read the user manual.  It might help.”  Just to make her happy, I did read the manual, which has absolutely no useful information.

The next morning I took another swing at taming the beast.  In a stroke of brilliance, it suddenly occurred to me what I was doing wrong.  Within seconds everything was working!  It was just an unfortunate juxtaposition of events that an amazing clarity of thought dawned on me followed by my reading of the user manual.  But the argument about it never ceases at home.

• Chuck Norris doesn’t need a gun because he can reach the enemy faster
• Chuck Norris won the San Francisco marathon. He started in New York.
• Chuck Norris was delivered via C-Section. He performed it himself
• Chuck Norris pops bubble wrap with his gun
  
• Chuck Norris is not above the Law. He is the Law
• When Chuck Norris wants ice, he makes it hail
• Baby Chuck Norris didn’t eat Gerber mashed foods. He crushed his own apples
• Chuck Norris never used braces. He straightened his teeth with his tongue
• Chuck Norris uses a lawn mower to shave
• Chuck Norris will tell you if the oven is hot enough by touching it
• When ToysRUs advertises a walker for toddlers, they specify they mean no disrespect the Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris
• f nothing can move faster than light how do you explain Chuck Norris’ guns coming out of holster
• Chuck Norris doesn’t like to handle diamonds because he keeps accidentally crushing them
  
• Chuck Norris can impregnate a woman on a long distance phone call
• To calm down Chuck Norris when he was a toddler, his mom used to play The Sopranos
• When Chuck Norris wants a mobile phone, he carries around a cell tower
• Chuck Norris doens’t need a gun because he can throw the bullets faster
  
• Snake bite is a common cause of death near Chuck Norris’ house. He bites a lot of snakes
• In their wilderness survival classes, Mountain lions learn how to identify Chuck Norris
• When Chuck Norris walks into a bar and says “The usual”, bartender shoots a bunch of people

Here are the top ten things to do to spice up your sick day when you and your spouse both are home sick:

10. Impersonate movie actors in your soar-throat aided husky voice
9. Play thermometer race.  Stick digital thermometers in your mouths and see who’s beeps first
8. Just in case there is ever such event, practice for Olympic Synchronized Coughing
7. Sit out in the backyard and chat over a hot cup of Theraflu
6. Forget staring contest.  Try “who can go longest without wiping nose” contest
5. You played drinking games, didn’t you?  Try this: watch daytime tabloid talk shows and take a cough syrup shot every time a word is bleeped out
4. If your noses are completely blocked, see how long you can kiss before you gasp for air.  Can you hit the magic 1 minute mark?
3. Hide a Tylenol capsule in your layers of clothing and let him/her search for it
2. One word.  69!  Give each other foot-massages
1. To declare your undying love for each other, exchange your nasal sprays

To summarize the storyline, Edward is an Adonis-lookalike vampire who distanced himself from standard-issue vampires and went on one of those low-carb, non-human diets. He mingles with humans, pretending to be human, and attends high-school. In lunch and other recess times, he practices being awesome. Along comes the classic dumb heroine, Bella, who is beautiful but doesn’t know it, has everything but brains. To Edward she smells like irresistible food and makes his life miserable. So our 100-year-old vampire eventually falls in love with 17-year-old Bella. Talk about age gap. In case I haven’t mentioned it, the author reminds you every two pages that Edward is an awesome personification of awesomeness. Rest of the story is the standard formula. Add forbidden love, a pinch of angst and a villain and shake it. Out pours a saccharine love story.

As you can see, the story is just laughable. I kept imagining somebody falling in love with their food. To give you a better picture, here is how the story will look like if told by Edward, a human being, who falls in love with his food.

For the love of food

I am Edward. I am a human being. I used to eat chicken for breakfast, lunch and dinner and when I got hungry in the middle of the night. But I became a vegetarian. I vowed not to eat chicken any more. In fact, I go to school with a flock of chicken and pretend to be a chicken myself.

One day, this extraordinary chicken waltzed into my class! It smelled just like Butter Chicken Masala. I was overcome with hunger. It started looking like a barbecued chicken, so enticing, so inviting. But at the same time, I was terribly attracted to it too! I had all these feelings I couldn’t understand. Let’s just say, chicken breast started meaning more than just a sandwich to me. I was confused. Testosterone and hunger fought for control over my body. I wanted to kiss its delicate wing, make sandwich out of it, cuddle it and whisper Chicken-65 recipe softly into its ear.

The chicken had uncontrollable attraction for me too. What can I say, chicks dig me. I tried to persuade her to leave me. I confessed my hunger for her. I explained to her the various senses of the sentence, “I want to poke my hot iron into you.” She wouldn’t relent. She had dreams of marrying me and laying my eggs.

When the love story between us was cooking, another human laid his eyes on my chicken. He wanted it for a dinner date, where the date becomes dinner. I protected my feathered friend and made it mine.

I implored it to leave town, find greener pastures; I didn’t want to clip its wings. But it decided to abandon all its family for a human it knew for about 2 months and stay with me. Now I know why they call it chicken brain. We were a happy couple. Rest of the story is for birds.

(Reserve your DVD copy today!)

As one can imagine, we hated the wall, even though the wall did provide some entertainment.  For example, one day our street was invaded by monkeys.  A gentleman doing his business on the wall suddenly looked up to realize that a monkey was sitting on the wall and curiously summing up his frontal glory.  He had a dilemma of epic proportions.  Should he continue to finish his business and risk being bitten by the monkey or stop half way and run.  Alas, the cruel irony of life.  He did stop half way and run, AND got bitten by the monkey.

The moments of such mirth aside, one can safely assume that we didn’t want people to answer their nature’s call in front of our house.  We did the normal thing one with no experience in such matters would do.  We put up a big sign, “NO PEEING ON THE WALL.”  Our biggest mistake?  Putting the sign low enough on the wall so that people could actually use the sign for target practice.  Secondly, the sign reminded people of the existence of their bladder.  Without having to delve into specific statistical models, we could figure out that the traffic at the wall nearly doubled after posting the sign.

The second brilliant idea we had was to appoint two guys to walk about on our street and yell at the happy relievers.  “Hey, you got no sense of decency?  Shoo, shoo” was their general mantra.  This seemed to have worked on the first day.  But the second day there was a revolt.  People of our town, who never stood together for anything, were united to protect their right of public indecency.  Our appointed henchmen barely escaped being beaten by the mob.

A few days later one of my uncles improvised a solution with the use of household flour and sugar.  In phase 1 of the plan, we generously sprinkled the mixture along the opposite wall.  Phase 2 of the plan was carried out by thousands of red ants that took to streets to feast on the flour and sugar.  People, in the rush to lighten their bladders, pissed off the ants literally and figuratively.  The ants absolutely refused to coexist with such people by snacking on their feet.  Phase 3 of the plan was watching the delightful dance of people whose feet were being munched on by the ants, albeit they could only use one hand in their dance.  Our delight and free dance performances didn’t last too long because it rained that night.  Also, we couldn’t have afforded the daily feeding of ants.

We gave up.  We did everything humanly possible to persuade people to deposit their waste in their respective bathrooms.  We failed.  It was time for divine intervention.  It was my dad who came up with the most ingenious idea.

Two people were busy working at the wall the entire weekend.  Come Monday, the wall featured frescos of smiling Gods of various religions and denominations.  Every inch of the wall was covered in colorful pictures of benevolent deities – A Rama, A Christ, An undefined splatter of colors with a crescent on the top which one can only assume as the artist’s rendition of Mecca and other minor religious icons just to be sure.

That was it.  From that day forward not one person dared to descecrate the sancutm sanctorum of our town walls.  I was in my hometown a month ago.  The paintings faded and were retouched over the years.  I was happy to walk on our street that reeked of holiness rather than urine.

What he says: Hey we should cook more balanced meals, with more vegetables and Omega3s
What it means: In a rare fit of inquisitiveness, he read a health article on CNN
How to handle it: Just ignore.  It will pass in a few days.

What he says: I think the leaky faucet points to a deep rooted problem with how our plumbing is laid out and the net pressure of the water in the pipes.
What it means: He has no idea how to replace the faucet and is too proud to admit it.
How to handle it: Call a plumber and get it fixed.  Search on Amazon for books with topic, “How not to turn every small thing in life into a macho pride thing”.

What he says: The engine is making rattling noises, let me see what’s going on under the hood
What it means: He wants you to believe that he knows what the hell is under the hood, even though the only thing he can name there is the dipstick.
How to handle it: Have pity and pretend to believe him.  Just gently request him not to actually try to repair anything in there.

What he says: I prefer to watch unrated versions of movies because they show the true vision of the director
What it means: He knows unrated versions have more nudity
How to deal with it: Because he is not particularly interested in the nudity anyway, use the nude scenes as an opportunity to discuss the true vision of the director in the movie.

What he says: How does my shirt look?
What it means:  Shirt is just a decoy to take your attention off the fact that he didn’t wash his jeans in two weeks.
How to handle it: Tell him he looks completely out of shape in what he is wearing.  He will change the whole wardrobe immediately.  In fact, he will do anything to look toned other than exercising.

What he says: This year, for anniversary gifts, let’s give each other something we both can use
What it means: He wants to give *you* the Play Station Personal *he* always wanted to buy
How to handle it: In the same spirit, gift him a nice pair of Manolos

What he says: OH MY GOD!  I can’t find anything in the house. My life is ruined.  Why me?  Why now?
What it means: He can’t find his towel
How to handle it: Remind him it’s exactly where he left it. On the carpet, next to his closet.  Ask him if he knows what “Drama Queen” means.

What he says: Honey, why don’t we go to the mall
What it means: He saw some exciting lingerie in Victoria’s Secret catalog which you will never buy on your own.  He intends to casually walk by it and suggest that you buy it.
How to handle it: Get hold of the catalog and figure out what he has in mind.  It should be easy.  It’s the one with smallest surface area.  Now go to Victoria’s Secret with him.  Pick up the item before he gets a chance and say, “Look at this!  What kind of pervert would want to see his wife in this!”  Enjoy the rest of the shopping.

What he says: Ohmigod, look at tech stocks!  They are such a bargain!
What it means: He, again, convinced himself that he is a stock market whiz-kid
How to handle it: Don’t panic.  First change the password on his E*Trade account.  Then make him sit and write “I won’t gamble with stocks” as many times as the dollars he lost in stocks this year.

What he says: Honey, I created a directory called, “Work Files” on the computer.  Please don’t touch it. It has important information.
What it means: “C:\Work Files\January 2006\Sources\Examples\Documents\Junk” is where he stores the porn
How to deal with it: Being the software chick yourself, it’s not hard to write a program that replaces the contents of the directory with pictures of naked dudes every night.

What she says: How was your day honey?
What it means: She wants you to ask how her day was
How to handle it: Assuming, you are one of the 99% of men who neither wants to talk about his day nor wants to listen about your wife’s day, the best strategy is to switch to “rant mode”.  For example, in response to “how was your day”, you could say, “It was the most godawful day anybody can ever have.  I mean, I was trying to tweak the CPU frequency but the audio keeps crapping out”.  If she is one of 99% of normal human beings, she would have slept half way through.

What she says: Hey, you want to watch a movie tonight?  Something light?
What it means: She wants to watch some tear-jerker chickflick
How to handle it: Remember that, like everything she says or does, it is a test.  If you whine about the movie, it will be paid back in kind when you want to watch “Star Wars :The Clone Wars.”  The best way to handle it is to agree cheerfully to watch any movie she wants.  In fact, offer to drive to Blockbuster to get the movie.  Just stick a scotch tape to the underside of the DVD on the way back and soon you will get a chance to feign regret for a damaged DVD.

What she says: What should I wear for tonight’s party?  The blue dress I wore last Sunday or the red dress the Sunday before?
How to handle it: You are in a minefield.  First of all you have no clue if she really has those dresses or if she is just testing your memory.  More over, you have no clue what she wore last Sunday or the Sunday before.  If you make one mistake you will be going down the “Do you even notice me any more” discussion.  The best way to handle it is by concentrating and remembering at least one dress she owns.  If you can think of one, just say, “Why not that long yellow number?”  Adding “You look really good in that” will seal the deal.  But what if you can’t absolutely remember at least one of the dresses she has?  Then, you simply excuse yourself that you need to go to the restroom.  Go to her closet and find out!

What she says: Our car is making some rattling noises.  Can you get it fixed?
What it means: Your kid left a rattle toy in the backseat
How to handle it: Say, “sure honey”.  Take the car out “for servicing” at the nearest microbrewery and get the car fixed for a couple of hours.

What she says: Hey, I am going to the mall.  Do you want me to you get you a shirt or something?
How to handle it: You got a tough problem on your hands.  If you say “yes”, you are obviously not going to like what she bought.  So you can’t wear it nor can you return it (and stay married).  But you can’t say “no” to the question either because then the follow-up would be, “What, you don’t like my taste?”  You can’t honestly answer the question (and stay married).  The best way to handle it is by saying, “Sure.  The plain blue shirt I wear to work is pretty ruined anyway. Can you get me the exact same shirt?”

What she says: Oh, I LOVE these shoes!  But they are just above our price range. *sigh*
What it means: She wants you to say, “Oh, you deserve them honey”
How to handle it: If her pout made the corners of your eyes moisten, remind yourself what kind of cheap, insensitive and thoughtless husband you are.  You can’t just give away an expensive pair of shoes without a good business proposition.  So the way to counter it is by saying, “Oh, it’s not that expensive honey.  That’s how much the Prince of Persia IV for PS3 costs!”

What she says: Why are you behaving like this?  Why are you so irritable and argumentative today?
What it means: She has PMS
How to handle it: Use the normal protocol to handle PMS.  Agree with everything she says.

What she says: You have no idea what happened at work today, *sob* *sob*.  I had the crappiest day.
What it means: She is looking for affection, understanding and solace.
How to handle it: If you do anything out of the ordinary, she will be very confused.  So follow the normal procedure.  Try to empathize with her until you realize you miserably failed to understand why her day was crappy.  Then take the kids out to the mall while she talks to her best friend for a couple of hours.  Bring chocolate on the way back home.

What she says: Do you think my friend Sarah got a boob job?
How to handle it:  This is like a multiple choice question where all answers are wrong.  By answering either “yes” or “no”, you are admitting to checking out Sarah’s boobs AND monitoring their gradual progress over a period of time.  But don’t be too quick to dismiss, “Oh I only look at her face.”  It will look like an obvious cover up.  The best strategy is to feign disinterest.  Something like, “Which of your friends is Sarah?” is a good start.  Then shrugging and  brushing off, “I didn’t notice anything weird.”  That is the only way out.

In search of answers, I uncovered a job application for Sukdeep Groceries.  It will help you understand how these salespeople are hired.

Job Application for Sukdeep Groceries