Chuck Norris walks into a bar

There was this interesting “Chuck Norris” theme going on Twitter today.  This is my contribution.  I didn’t have much time to come up with this so this is all I can manage.  (If you don’t know Chuck Norris, you can replace Chuck Norris with Rajnikanth.  It makes equal sense)

  • Chuck Norris doesn’t need a gun because he can reach the enemy faster
  • Chuck Norris won the San Francisco marathon. He started in New York.
  • Chuck Norris was delivered via C-Section. He performed it himself
  • Chuck Norris pops bubble wrap with his gun
  • Chuck Norris is not above the Law. He is the Law
  • When Chuck Norris wants ice, he makes it hail
  • Baby Chuck Norris didn’t eat Gerber mashed foods. He crushed his own apples
  • Chuck Norris never used braces. He straightened his teeth with his tongue
  • Chuck Norris uses a lawn mower to shave
  • Chuck Norris will tell you if the oven is hot enough by touching it
  • When ToysRUs advertises a walker for toddlers, they specify they mean no disrespect the Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris
  • f nothing can move faster than light how do you explain Chuck Norris’ guns coming out of holster
  • Chuck Norris doesn’t like to handle diamonds because he keeps accidentally crushing them
  • Chuck Norris can impregnate a woman on a long distance phone call
  • To calm down Chuck Norris when he was a toddler, his mom used to play The Sopranos
  • When Chuck Norris wants a mobile phone, he carries around a cell tower
  • Chuck Norris doens’t need a gun because he can throw the bullets faster
  • Snake bite is a common cause of death near Chuck Norris’ house. He bites a lot of snakes
  • In their wilderness survival classes, Mountain lions learn how to identify Chuck Norris
  • When Chuck Norris walks into a bar and says “The usual”, bartender shoots a bunch of people

76 Responses to “Chuck Norris walks into a bar”


  • Read all your posts…
    Very good…Keep coming…

  • Chuck Norris can make a rolling stone gather moss.
    Chuck Norris can text on an iphone.
    Chuck Norris can have his cake AND eat it too.

    Chuck Norris can read twisted-dna and not laugh ! :)

  • Rofl! But…
    Can Chuck Norris use the restroom with both of his hands in the air??
    :-D

  • And also…

    What’s the name of Chuck Norris’ girlfriend?
    Chick Norris.

    Finally, what’s Chuck Norris’ favourite T shirt message?
    “Norris, No gain!”

    Cheers!

  • LOL..saw it on twitter early morning..!!

    Rajnikanth seems better!! :D

  • Came across your blog. Read all the posts, they were hilarious. Pls do write more

  • Looks like your well is dry, twisted_dna! You’ve started taking inspiration from email forwards!

  • Chuck Norris can shorten the day by speeding earth rotation, by one full day!
    Chuck Norris can burn the sun with a match stick.
    Chuck Norris can shit all over Pluto and make it as big to be called a planet.
    Chuck Norris can go back in time, bring a Dinosaur alive and kill it here.
    Chuck Norris can write Chuck Norris jokes.

    He he … fun post dude!

  • Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise. Sorry, I just had to post that.

  • And yet, Chuck Norris needs a blog post for a boost. Please do me a favor. Chuck Norris.

    g

  • LOL
    Substituting to Rajnikanth is even better for me

  • Here are my additions – making them up on the go.

    1. Chuck Norris shaves every morning. What you see on his face is his 5′o clock shadow.

    2. Chuck Norris uses sandpaper in his restroom. :D

    3. Chuck Norris’ nails are used by De Beers to cut diamonds.

    4. Chuck Norris can make an oven hot by taking off his shirt!

    5. Chuck Norris doesn’t need a cigarette lighter, his stare burns through most materials known to man.

    6. Ninjas can’t see Chuck Norris coming.

    7. Chuck Norris can disable a thermonuclear bomb in 3 seconds while blindfolded and with both hands behind his back.

    8. Chuck Norris is 6’2″, lying on his back!

    9. Cancer is afraid of Chuck Norris.

    10. Chuck Norris had more testosterone in his left thumb at 6 years of age than a whole body of adult bull elephant does during mating season.

    I am tapped out. :D

  • @ Idling in top Gear
    I’d slightly differ on your Point # 7. A thermonuclear bomb quietly diffuses by itself when it sees Chuck Norris coming :-D

  • Rofl.
    Let me try too.
    1) Chuck Norris can light a cigaratte with a stare.

    This one is a little old ..

    2) When Chuck Norris is doing push-ups, he is actually pushing the earth down.

    Nice post.

  • chuck norris compared to rajni? no way..You must have known this one bullet two villians.. one knife,bullet split.. two villains dead story.. even chuck norris requires practice to do that

  • I dont know who in the world Chuck Norris is, but your description fits Rajinikanth purrfuctlly :)

    Love all your posts btw, u r very funny.

  • You should follow fakechuck norris on twitter! I love the one which goes “there is no theory of evolution, just a list of animals that chuck norris decided to let live”

  • If this were Chuck Norris’ blog, all comments would be answered by now :-|
    (I know, I know, and I would be auto-kicked out :P )

    g

  • Raj:
    Thank you :)

    Manish Krishnan:
    Chuck Norris can read twisted-dna and not laugh !
    He he he! I am flattered :)

    Rofl Indian:
    The Chuck Norris Q&A is awesome! You should come up with a few more and post them

    ruSh.Me:
    LOL..saw it on twitter early morning
    Sorry about it :) Somebody on Facebook already warned me not to post to blog, twitter and facebook all at same time :)

    Sudhaa:
    Thanks for dropping by :)

    Adithya:
    You’ve started taking inspiration from email forwards!
    Then it’s in your own best interest to forward me better emails!

    Vijay Kumar:
    We DID try with Rajinikanth
    You and I should go mano-a-mano with our heroes :)

  • Dinesh:
    Chuck Norris can go back in time, bring a Dinosaur alive and kill it here.
    Lol. Don’t they commit suicide as soon as they see Norris :P

    RukmaniRam:
    Why is he biting snakes?
    How else would you expect Chuck Norris to kill snakes? Use a stick or something like those puny mortals?

    aditi c:
    I have been a big fan of chucknorrisfacts.com!

    Ghazal:
    Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
    Haha.

    litterateuse:

    Chuck Norris.
    chuck Norris to where? He is wherever you go in the universe!

    If this were Chuck Norris’ blog, all comments would be answered by now
    Chuck Norris doesn’t reply to comments. Commenters write their own replies and get them approved by Chuck Norris

    I know, I know, and I would be auto-kicked out
    And on Chuck Norris’s blog, the above statement applies literally :P

    La Vida Loca:
    Substituting to Rajnikanth is even better for me
    Shhh.. you don’t want Chuck Norris to hear that

  • Idling in Top Gear:
    4. Chuck Norris can make an oven hot by taking off his shirt!
    ROFL!

    8. Chuck Norris is 6?2?, lying on his back!
    Good one!

    Thanks for the laughs!

    Rofl Indian:
    7. A thermonuclear bomb quietly diffuses by itself when it sees Chuck Norris coming :-D
    Hehe.. I was going to say something in those lines then saw your comment :)

    Venkatesh G:
    Chuck Norris can light a cigaratte with a stare.
    Too late Idling In Top Gear already said that :)

    2) When Chuck Norris is doing push-ups, he is actually pushing the earth down.
    Haha. I was replying to somebody over Twitter yesterday. “Chuck Norris doesn’t roll on the ground. Earth just rolls around him”

    balu:
    one bullet two villians.. one knife,bullet split..
    Lol. I remember seeing this! Hard to beat that one

    Bhargavi:
    I dont know who in the world Chuck Norris is
    You don’t know because Chuck Norris doesn’t want you to

    Love all your posts
    Thank you very much!

    chutney:
    You should follow fakechuck norris on twitter
    I started following yesterday :)

    there is no theory of evolution, just a list of animals that chuck norris decided to let live
    Haha!

  • Chuck Norris won the San Francisco marathon. He started in New York.

    LMAO!! :) ) Chuck Norris indeed is Rajanikanth himself!!

    Maybe you should check this site out:
    http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com/ :)

  • Just stumbled upon your space, and for the record I dont usually EVER trespass in the blogging world.
    I dont know if this post was being tossed around to have a lil fun at Chuck’s expense,but neverthelesss this thread kinda got me thinking about certain established scientific facts about Sir Rajnisir, mostly unknown to the public at large. If you however were skeptical and needed more concrete details, I would be happy to follow up and furnish them for you :) …So for the record, here goes :

    Did you know ?

    1.Sir Rajnisir counted to infinity – twice.
    ( *23 Apr,1978 11:23 a.m- Anno Domini.
    *23 Apr,1978 11:24 a.m -Anno Domini.
    )
    2.Sir Rajnisir invented every colour. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
    (*15 Jun 12 B.C
    *The invention of pink has been deleted from the history records.Tom cruise has been too.)

    3.Sir Rajnisir’s hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

    4.Sir Rajnisir gave Mona Lisa that smile.
    (*May 1, 1784. We are not worthy to talk about Sir Rajnisir’s escapades in the sack.)

    5.Sir Rajnisir can slam a revolving door.

    6.Sir Rajnisir’s calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Sir Rajnisir.

    7.Sir Rajnisir can speak Braille.
    (*Quoted by Louis Braille, just before he “invented” the system. Sir Rajnisir refuses to take credit)

    8.Superman owns a pair of Sir Rajnisir’s pyjamas.
    (*Sir Rajnisir refused to sign the pyjamas for Superman.He does not respect or acknowledge anyone who is scared of a rock.
    )

    9.Sir Rajnisir owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him Win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 Card from the game Uno.
    (*1983 WSOP final table.testimony from Daniel Negreanu , Phil Helmuth and Johnny Chan)

    11.Sir Rajnisir divides by zero.
    (*Used this special technique to solve his first linear equation problem, which happened to be Fermat’s Last theorem
    )

    12.Sir Rajnisir doesn’t use pickup lines, he simply says, “Now.”
    (Testimony by Jessica Alba. Mona lisa was a drunken mistake.
    In the interest of Privacy Violation ,the name of the Queen of England cannot be disclosed. There is so little known about our REAL freedom struggle :)
    * Aug 14, 1947)

    13.Sir Rajnisir sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled talent. Shortly after the transaction was
    finalized, Sir Rajnisir wrestled the devil to the ground,locked him in his Kungfu death grip, and knocked the devil out with his tooth brush. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

    13a. Sir Rajnisir’s toothbrush is made of organic plastic.

    14. Sir Rajnisir once had an erection while lying face down. He struck oil.
    (The Kanchenjunga peaks, 1996. SirRajni sir momentarily experienced a vision about peace in the middle-east )

    15. The only time Sir Rajnisir was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
    (* 2008 , Sir Rajnisir accepted full responsibility for the release of the “Kingdom of the Crystal Skull”. He turned down Mr.Ford’s request to BE the new Indiana Jones. )

  • When god gets confused, who does he go to? Chuck Norris.

    Nice compilation!

  • rajnikanth is definitely better…my personal favourite was the ‘snake bite’.

  • So you havent chucked chuck eh!

    Chuck Norris can hang TD’s blog, coz that is where he hangs out :P
    Chuck Norris needs no water, coz he is the leaking cauldron.

    Lol this just gets funny

    Lets Hail Chuck Norris!
    Rajinikanth can come and share space with him too :P

  • Confronting Chuck Norris, the villain thinks he is f*cked. Actually, it is worse, he is Chu*ked !

    Chuck Norris meets a Punjabi girl. The phrase Chuck de Phatte is born, instantly.

    Cheers!
    ~uh~

  • I dont know Chuck, but reference to “Rajni Sir” makes sense.

    Rajni Sir is sitting in a “hotel” eating Idli.
    Waiter : “Rajni Sir, why did you take holiday today?”
    Rajni : “Is Idli famous or Pongal”
    Waiter : “Idli sir”
    Rajni : If government can give holiday for Pongal, why cant I take holiday for Idli?

    This is from a series of filler jokes on a local radio channel in Bangalore. “Life in Bengaluru with Rajni Sir” !!!

    • “Life in Bengaluru with Rajni Sir”
      Is there really such a thing? I am missing out all the FM fun in India I guesss!

      If government can give holiday for Pongal, why cant I take holiday for Idli?
      It’s a holiday for idly when Rajnisir doesn’t eat it.

  • stumbled upon this, my favorite:
    When Rajinikanth does division, there are no remainders.
    :)

    • When Rajinikanth does division, there are no remainders.
      There were no blackboards in young Rajnisir’s school because they were all broken when the teacher asked Rajnisir to ‘divide it’ referring to the problem on board.

  • What about that scene of Rajnikanth where villian and actress are on otherside of big wall, hero throws 1 gun in air shoots that trigger with another gun and bullet hits villian?
    Chuck No rris that!!

  • But,

    Seriously, Ranjni is more Funny …:)

  • Chuck caught shooting a buck
    and when the cops wanted some bribe, he said I don’t have a buck(pun intended)

    know it’s horrible, but don’t let that break the momentum, don’t think just laugh :P

  • Ha Ha … Nice One Budd …
    I must say the comments are FUNNIER … :)

  • Awesome rofl stuff!
    I am glad I visited your blog after a long time.
    Cheers,
    Salil

  • No new stuff since then .. Pls do write more

  • man… this is hilarious! a question for u to ponder…Wat will Chuck Norris do if its Kamalhassan’s movie?

  • I will have a good weekend ahead after reading this post from u. Ghosh who can beat ya:))

  • Why don’t u change the copyright till 2009. If u don’t, somebody will take it.

  • IS Chuck Norris known as Rajnikant in Chennai? [:P]

  • Hilarious :D
    I am blogrolling you

    Au revoir et salute

  • Daniel Negreanu is in fact my favorite poker player. I just love how he is capable of telling the other players playing cards :) It’s so funny to see the faces of his opponents, when he tells them their actual hand.

  • Daniel Negreanu is truly my favorite poker player. I simply adore how he is able to revealing the other players cards :) It’s so amusing to see the faces of his opponents, when he tells them their precise hand.

  • Daniel is really my favorite poker player. I simply adore how he can revealing the other players playing cards :-D It is so hilarious to see the faces of his opponents, when he tells them their precise hand.

  • Lol :) LMAO…
    There is a twisted dna in rajnikanth,norris and also mr.vijaykanth, who can pass the shock to electricity :)

  • I think you got no clue of what you are talking about. A typical northie know-all attitude, and no I am not a rediff messageboard frequentor. As a fan of Rajinikanth I think its my duty to clear a few things. First, the things Rajini did in Hindi movies are much, much worse than what he has done in thamizh films. I have seen 98% of all Rajini films and most of what the commentors say are BS. The one bullet-knife thingi, was not there in any film. Its the pseudo multiplex critic’s brain working overtime. And I don’t think he has done more gravity defying, silly stunts than say, a Mithun. In fact he is a much better actor than most Indian actors. Stop laughing, brace yourself and watch at least 3-4 70s films of his.

  • Good…………..Keep on publishing……….

  • Hi,

    I used to follow your blog. Why such a huge break from blogging? Anyway, I happened to post something on Chuck Norris and I am linking to your post too. Hope that is ok with you.

  • Loved your posts. So amusing. Will kep coming for more. Have just book marked you in a folder i fondly call- “The Pride of India”

  • okay so I spent the last 15 minutes searching for the same template you’re using and can’t find it. Didn’t want to have to ask but really would love to use it for my site, could you let me know? I’ll check back here soon for any replies. Thanks

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  • I was rolling on the floor after I read the post, and after I read the comments, I can never get up! Great collection, keep it up!

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  • Chuck norris can slam a revolving door :)

  • Thou shall not blaspheme against Chuck Norris he can shut down your website just with his thoughts

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