Anybody who knows me fairly well would tell you that I am not a 14-year-old girl. Yet I subjected myself to the phenomenal pre-teen hit book Twilight by Stephanie Meyer. Why I did such unthinkable injustice to myself, in spite of being forewarned, is beyond the scope of this post.
To summarize the storyline, Edward is an Adonis-lookalike vampire who distanced himself from standard-issue vampires and went on one of those low-carb, non-human diets. He mingles with humans, pretending to be human, and attends high-school. In lunch and other recess times, he practices being awesome. Along comes the classic dumb heroine, Bella, who is beautiful but doesn’t know it, has everything but brains. To Edward she smells like irresistible food and makes his life miserable. So our 100-year-old vampire eventually falls in love with 17-year-old Bella. Talk about age gap. In case I haven’t mentioned it, the author reminds you every two pages that Edward is an awesome personification of awesomeness. Rest of the story is the standard formula. Add forbidden love, a pinch of angst and a villain and shake it. Out pours a saccharine love story.
As you can see, the story is just laughable. I kept imagining somebody falling in love with their food. To give you a better picture, here is how the story will look like if told by Edward, a human being, who falls in love with his food.
For the love of food
I am Edward. I am a human being. I used to eat chicken for breakfast, lunch and dinner and when I got hungry in the middle of the night. But I became a vegetarian. I vowed not to eat chicken any more. In fact, I go to school with a flock of chicken and pretend to be a chicken myself.
One day, this extraordinary chicken waltzed into my class! It smelled just like Butter Chicken Masala. I was overcome with hunger. It started looking like a barbecued chicken, so enticing, so inviting. But at the same time, I was terribly attracted to it too! I had all these feelings I couldn’t understand. Let’s just say, chicken breast started meaning more than just a sandwich to me. I was confused. Testosterone and hunger fought for control over my body. I wanted to kiss its delicate wing, make sandwich out of it, cuddle it and whisper Chicken-65 recipe softly into its ear.
The chicken had uncontrollable attraction for me too. What can I say, chicks dig me. I tried to persuade her to leave me. I confessed my hunger for her. I explained to her the various senses of the sentence, “I want to poke my hot iron into you.” She wouldn’t relent. She had dreams of marrying me and laying my eggs.
When the love story between us was cooking, another human laid his eyes on my chicken. He wanted it for a dinner date, where the date becomes dinner. I protected my feathered friend and made it mine.
I implored it to leave town, find greener pastures; I didn’t want to clip its wings. But it decided to abandon all its family for a human it knew for about 2 months and stay with me. Now I know why they call it chicken brain. We were a happy couple. Rest of the story is for birds.
(Reserve your DVD copy today!)
Ah you clearly haven’t seen this then :
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PcHaAcPkXfA
But Twilight ??Seriously?? Oh FSM may spite you bit less cruelly!
But hey what’s the bet it wont be made into a movie soon ? Heck if Slumdog millionaire can win eight oscars…
Awesome story. Can’t wait for the movie to come out!
Both my teenage kids HATE the book and the movie! ;D.
I don’t read these kind of books, sounds weird to me but what I heard was most middle schoolers and high schoolers are crazy about it. Enjoy! It’s nice to feel like a kid sometimes!
hey when is your version of the rest of the books coming out?!!!I hope you go through the torture of reading the other books too so that we can get an alternate view like the one above!
Barney Stinson is that you in there?? Only you use “awesome” so often
trying too hard?
I’ll read your older posts and wait for the next one….
Laughing out loud for Chicken Breasts! I am sad you didn’t make any mention of Tender Loin! and what will happen to the eggs? Omlette? Egg burji? Egg Masala? The suspense is killing me!
Now I have to read the book…see what u do!
or maybe not.
Funny post none the less
Hahaha.. that’s hilarious! But there is something about those books. I read all the four in the series and as stupid as it sounds, I am not too ashamed to say that. They are far from favourites and I wouldn’t even think of owning a copy, but I read them all.
I had very similar feelings for Harry Potter. Just one night stand material to me.
Clever
ployplay on birds-g
Actually I am surprised why ytou went to read Stephanie Meyer. Even 14-yeard olds shouldn’t read her, she writes so bad. Reading even her excerpts can be a pain..
But then if you ahdn’t read the book, we could have got this humorous post.
G:
Ah you clearly haven’t seen this then
I didn’t! It’s hilarious! Now I kind of feel stupid for writing this article, it looks like a total ripoff.
But Twilight ??Seriously??
I don’t blame you for that reaction
Oh FSM may spite you bit less cruelly!
FSM?
But hey what’s the bet it wont be made into a movie soon ?
it is already made into a movie
No bets
Sheba K:
Awesome story. Can’t wait for the movie to come out!
The movie is already out. Unfortunately, there are no chicken in there
Asha:
Both my teenage kids HATE the book and the movie!
They are probably as smart as their mom
It’s nice to feel like a kid sometimes!
The problem is, that’s how I feel most of the time
Lakshmi:
hey when is your version of the rest of the books coming out
Right! You think I would make the mistake of reading another one of those!?
we can get an alternate view like the one above!
He he… you will get a lot of them alright
Neo2000:
Suit up!
Barney Stinson is that you in there?? Only you use “awesome” so often
He he he. Don’t watch the show so I will just assume you gave me a great compliment
maxdavinci:
Thank you.
trying too hard?
Criticism accepted
Dinesh:
Tender Loin!
ROFL. Didn’t think of that
and what will happen to the eggs? Omlette? Egg burji? Egg Masala?
(I am getting worse by the minute)
I would say egg masala, given that their mom smells like butter chicken masala
La Vida Loca:
Now I have to read the book…see what u do!
Lol, I will summarize it for you one of these days. I promise I won’t even add my sarcasm
Nags:
Just one night stand material to me.
ROFL! A brilliant way to describe these books… a one-night stand books!
gauri:
Clever ploy play on birds
Oh compared to how you play with words, this is chicken feed
Poonam:
Even 14-yeard olds shouldn’t read her
I totally agree. Especially young people shouldn’t read her. Her language is so bad, it will spoil the youngsters’ language. My language has already gone to the dogs, so I can afford to read
But then if you ahdn’t read the book, we could have got this humorous post.
Thank you.
Honored
Hi there,
Was bored at work so opened up your blog and I can’t stop laughing… man, this is the funniest post I’ve ever read. I actually love the first book twilight, I know its cheesy and convoluted and all that, but I really liked Edward… the series gets more warped, but I liked it. Edward and Bella do make you sick sometimes with their undying proclamations of love, but if you mange to skip all those parts, then the book has its funny parts…
But I am glad you didn’t like it, cause if guys started liking stuff like that, then there would be a serious problem… with them of course.
Ah my bad! I am really behind times then. So they have indeed made it into a movie eh ?
Been a reader of your hilarious blog for long but second time commenter. Strongly recommend Woody Allen movies.I am sure you will like it.
How could you not know FSM? But no worry..even infidels have a chance!Sometimes.
Remember that next time you ca”noodle”…
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flying_Spaghetti_Monster
brilliant! i have no idea a movie of this kind is about to be released.. must watch and laugh and draw parallels with the whole what!-me-and-chicken!-no-way concept.
keep it coming..
Ha ha ha… hilarious man (the comparison with chicken).
made me hungry …oi butter chicken i am coming…[:P]
pak!pak paka!!
“chicks dig me” is a killer … chicks might in fact digg this…
not me though… i’d wait for ur next one
n make it fast… your frequency is too low
Karen:
Hi there
Hi Stranger
Was bored at work so opened up your blog
Hope you will be bored more at work
the series gets more warped
I could get more warped? I was not planning on reading rest of the series, but thanks for the heads up
Edward and Bella do make you sick sometimes
Some times? They are pathetic. Such hackneyed story!
if you mange to skip all those parts
He he he… About half the book, I was reading one line per page.
then there would be a serious problem… with them of course.
I hope, from the fact that I didn’t like the book, you won’t assume that there is nothing wrong with me
G:
Been a reader of your hilarious blog
Thank you
Strongly recommend Woody Allen movies.I am sure you will like it.
Saw some of them not many. I liked Mighty Aphrodite.
How could you not know FSM? But no worry..even infidels have a chance!Sometimes.
Didn’t strike me you were referring to my religion when you said FSM 
Lol! Do I by chance know you in real life? I used to, in fact, proclaim FSM as my religion
Remember that next time you ca”noodle”…
ROFL. Will sure do
sonali:
must watch and laugh and draw parallels with the whole what!-me-and-chicken!-no-way concept.
He he he… I wanted to do the same, like watch the movie and LMAO. But people told me that the movie is worse than the book!
Chinmoy:
hilarious man
Thank you
made me hungry …oi butter chicken i am coming…
LOL!
Manish Krishnan:
your frequency is too low
Ya! I call myself a subsonic blogger
haha! i’ve read all your older posts and was rolling on the floor!
this ones damn funny! keep up the good work..
Ah ! The benefits of being a Veggi comes handy! The book / movie its just beyond pathetic but hey! you managed to make it even worse. Kodos!!
Boy, your love for Chicken is totaly seen.
That Bella is the kid from this movie Panic Movie right? People get really bad when they grow.
made me laugh a lot! loved it
Ah a fellow Pastafarian! Welcome to the “ship” indeed! But guess admittedly the signs were all over there…:)
Yeah Mighty Aphrodite is a pretty decent movie ( in Woody Allen’s oeuvre ) but you should check out his earlier works. Also his short stories if you haven’t already. His latest ones do leave a lot be desired ( and by that I don’t necessarily mean Scarlet Johansson in ‘that way’ . Ok I do. )
For sample of his writing :
http://waitalia.tripod.com/short-uk.html
No I dont know you in real life but why “used to ” ? You havent turned apostate have you ?
I reserve my copy now, immediately. You should send them for free for initial publicity.
I also need the transcript for a sequel where Edward opens a restaurant and put his kids up on the menu! Yummy story eh?
haha, funny description.
i had seen the movie last friday. its such a slow movie. “is he going to bite her or kiss her” was the question on my mind. and well, most of the time, he does neither.
I haven’t read the book. But I did see the movie.
I wrote a review of it, definitely not as good as yours. It was more a review of the movie than the story. Haha. It’s called “Toilet”.
But yeah. The sentiment’s the same.
aditi c:
Thank you very much
Aparna:
you managed to make it even worse. Kodos
That’s my speciality. I make everything worse
Boy, your love for Chicken is totaly seen.
Lol. Actually I am vegetarian too
People get really bad when they grow.
Yep. I am the living proof
AgonyAunt:
Making you laugh is a tough job 
made me laugh a lot! loved it
Thanks
G:
But guess admittedly the signs were all over there
Haha. Really?
His latest ones do leave a lot be desired … Scarlet Johansson…
You mean, they have a lot to be desired and leave you desiring more? My feelings exactly about Ms. Johanson.
why “used to ”
I still am a believer in the miracles of the great flying one. Didn’t use FSM in an argument with anybody in recent times
sthitapragnya:
where Edward opens a restaurant and put his kids up on the menu!
Man you make him sound like some kind of a vampire!
creek:
“is he going to bite her or kiss her”
Pretty much the same question throughout the novel too. Except, you can fast forward the novel at 4x a movie you can’t
he does neither.
Lol
Espèra:
I wrote a review of it
Checked your blog, don’t see a review. Do you have another blog, leading a double life like Edward?
It’s called “Toilet”.
Intriguing
v phunnyyy!!
Very Very Funny!
Chicken Soup dint figure out with the butter chicken masala, Maybe that was the plain Jane sister of Butter Chicken Masala, so our Hero wasnt interested in it
And U know wat A few days back! Ur web page did not open! Some internal Servor Error!
My 10 yr old came up to me and said her friends have read this book and she wants to as well. I said NO. Let me read it first. After I was done, I told her she could read it when she is 14.
And you sum it up perfectly.
I just loved your version of the book.I don’t think I want to read the real one.
Wait. Why would butter chicken masala start looking like barbecued chicken? And how is an ‘Edward’ so fond of chicken 65? I distinctly recall that being south indian street food… May be you have to be a non vegetarian to understand..
The sort of review that counts, this.
ayyo trauma – u are seriously twisted! story sounds like chicken shit only. your word plays are as usual, awesome
Let me become the only 25 year old who says she has read the entire series, dripping as it was of utter non-sense..You havent read the sequel with teenage angst, seperation-a supposed modern day take on (hold your breath) Romeo & Juliet and Wuthering Heights..But ya after seeing the alternate book cover and poster…twili..err tandoori chicken will never be the same again.
HILARIOUS!
But the chicken part.. I think it’d rather be lamb, considering that Edward does call Bella a ’stupid lamb’. Marinated or roasted.. that perhaps depends on his eye color.
ROFL..as Jefferson said, “Ridicule is the only weapon against unintelligible propositions”
Haahahahahhahahaha!! Wow! You really can make a person laugh. I would love to get a copy of your DVD and I wonder when will it be? Again, It’s a thumbs up for you.
When is the movie coming out? I think there should be a book too. A lot of people would be interested in a non-fat non-human diet, look at how thin he is!
teehehee! you’ve belted the shit outta all that hype! too funny! w00t!
Stumbled on to ur blog on a boring work day. I couldnot stop laughing! I even read some of the archives! Hilarious
roflarious mate…the butter chicken part got me straight in the sweet spot! (tummy growling)…grrrrooowwwwwwwllllll, i would be more like a werewolf left among a coop of hen…
and again, why did you read the book??
I tagged you in a post@
check mah blog
Ha.. fabulous.. simply fabulous and I laughed out loud too…
….
…
And I would also agree to one of the comment here that her writing is really really bad. Though it is just a one night material, I will have to say that it leaves u with a warm heart, especially thinking that there is some Greek God out there for everyone
I enjoyed the post more than the novel or the movie …. Will pop in again to read your other posts
And I am eagerly waiting for your jabs at the other books of Twilight series
Hey TDNA,
I have been your regular reader of your blog for long ..
First comment..
I had read this blog of urs the very first day, but didn’t quite understand and didn’t have time to search online more about it which is what I usually do ..
And completely forgot about it ..
Guess what my husband rented this movie couple of days back and I just loved the movie …
It is only today I realized probably u were ralking abt this movie/book and came back to read this again ..
Anyways – I have only one thing to say .. I loved the movie so much I wanted to go back to my teenage days and fall in love with a vampire ..
Well, if not a vampire atleast some guy .. coz I never had been in love while I was a teenager and it sounds like fun ?
you should write more often !!
you write very well, and you should keep at it. and share it too ! 
i hope you dint get laid off or sthg and got too busy searching for a new job
first timer here…and LOL, you had me smiling all the way. Was a major fan of twilight until i read it..and sheesh, total emo crap! :0 loved your comparision of bella to chicken…and lol, great pictures too!
Hindustan Time recommended your blog so I came overto check it out. Great sense of humour. Love the movie poster. Haven’t read Twilight(but a serious Buffy and Blood Ties fan)so can’t judge the author’s writing capabilities. I usually hate it when people read/watch materials meant for a younger audience and comment negatively on it because they usually forget that children have a diffrent world-view. And if kids aren’t allowed rated R stuff because it’s damaging to their innocent minds adults shouldn’t read/watch kiddie stuff because it’s damaging to their mature, practical and cynical minds.
Oh, $@%&.
My friend told me about this and that was HILARIOUS!
You’re made of win, my friend.
Sorry, I just realized I forgot to comment. I was too busy laughing. This analogy is the perfect way to explain what happened in the book. “Rest of the story is for birds.” I loved that part.
gr8 stuff u have written there…but it did make me feel a little annoyed. You write well but you have commented on someone else’s writing capabilities negatively. I have not read Twilight and don’t intend to either..it will better if you use your skills in a better way and not being so negative. It is fiction which may involve anything which are beyond one’s imagination. If you did not like the book at all how could you read it till the end?? Strange…well you succeeded in gathering the audience for you blog and this post. Sorry..didn’t interest me at least.
zenlike:
Thank you
zanychild:
And U know wat A few days back! Ur web page did not open! Some internal Servor Error!
Thank you very much for alerting me immediately, after a few days back
Ya, there were some server issues which were since fixed
I tagged you in a post@
The tag was promptly added to my list of tags to do
sraikh:
I told her she could read it when she is 14.
I agree the book is inappropriate for 10 year olds. It totally spoils their language.
starry:
I just loved your version of the book.I don’t think I want to read the real one.
May be I should publish a complete spoof books
RukmaniRam:
(I am)
Wait. Why would butter chicken masala start looking like barbecued chicken…May be you have to be a non vegetarian to understand..
ROFL! No, you should be vegetarian to write such clueless references
Princess Stefania:
The sort of review that counts, this.
hehe thanks
trauma queen:
story sounds like chicken shit only
lol. Ya, that is a more appropriate way to describe it
WSW:
sequel with teenage angst, seperation-a supposed modern day take on (hold your breath) Romeo & Juliet and Wuthering Heights
I laughed so much, it hurts! Teenage angst my eye! This is the romance our young generations are going to grow up with. Sigh.
Ishita:
But the chicken part.. I think it’d rather be lamb, considering that Edward does call Bella a ’stupid lamb’.
Yes I remember now. He does. In retrospect, lamb would’ve been a better choice.. easier to visualize a romantic relationship between a lamb and anthropomorphic rather than chicken
Marinated or roasted.. that perhaps depends on his eye color.
lol!
Liberal:
Jefferson said, “Ridicule is the only weapon against unintelligible propositions”
Ridicule is my solution to pretty much everything in life
xanindia:
Thank you! The DVD will be out as soon as I can find a way to make it withouth harming any animals
Zhu:
A lot of people would be interested in a non-fat non-human diet, look at how thin he is!
Lol. Ya, not at all like South American food
clueless:
Thank you
nidhi:
Stumbled on to ur blog on a boring work day
You make it sound like there is any other kind
I couldnot stop laughing!
I am glad you liked it.
Thank you
Nachi:
the butter chicken part got me straight in the sweet spot!
I am not sure if you are talking about the post or your lunch
and again, why did you read the book??
I gave a perfectly valid answer earlier. Beyond the scope of the post
Mahita:
I laughed out loud
Thank you!
And I would also agree to one of the comment here that her writing is really really bad
Ya, it was horrendous. It’s not only the grammatical errors but her entire language seemed shallow.
thinking that there is some Greek God out there for everyone
Yes, some blood sucking Greek god
Mahita:
And I am eagerly waiting for your jabs at the other books of Twilight series
I will jab myself in the eye before I read rest of the series
Anamika:
I have been your regular reader of your blog for long
And you are still reading! *Patting myself on the back*
I loved the movie so much I wanted to go back to my teenage days and fall in love with a vampire ..
I understand what you are saying. I saw some movies like that too… I wanted to go back to my teens and own Applebook 2!
had been in love while I was a teenager and it sounds like fun ?
I can personally assure you that it is a lot of fun. I used to fall in true love every 2 days in those days!
creek:
you should write more often
Watch what you wish for
you write very well, and you should keep at it. and share it too !
Thank you:) I agree, I should write more.
lakshmi:
Thanks for dropping by.
first timer here
And you are gone, never to be seen again
great pictures too!
Not many people noticed the pics
Thank you
Sonal:
Great sense of humour. Love the movie poster.
Thank you.
and comment negatively on it
No I comment negatively on everything
because they usually forget that children have a diffrent world-view.
On a serious note, kids shouldn’t be reading this book. The heroine sets a very bad example.
kids aren’t allowed rated R stuff … adults shouldn’t read
I am an exception though. I saw R rated stuff when I was a kid so I am allowed to read kid’s stuff when I am adult.
Jessica:
Please thank your friend for me too 
My friend told me about this and that was HILARIOUS!
Thank you
Ghazal:
I just realized I forgot to comment.
It’s ok I won’t hold it against you
I was too busy laughing
Glad you enjoyed it!
great:
You write well but you have commented on someone else’s writing capabilities negatively.
Of course I did. And it got nothing to do with my writing capabilities. I can freely express my opinion about anything in this world.
it will better if you use your skills in a better way and not being so negative
Nah, being negative is more fun
If you did not like the book at all how could you read it till the end?? Strange…
Aha! Aha! If I didn’t finish the book, you (or somebody else) would be saying “How can you comment on the book when you didn’t even read it fully?”
Sorry..didn’t interest me at least
No offence taken.
hey-y the entry form just to right a comment?
thanx for savin a few hours of my life from being wasted on readin & watchin twilight-wouldve bowed to pressure – esp as my bestfriend wanted to call my kid edward!!
u r cool dude ,u just r smart, u rite real intelligent.
hey,
even though I loved the book and the rest of the series, I couldn’t help but laugh at your side of looking at the story. In many ways you are right.
Even though it’s not going to make me stop loving it!!;)
btw, there is a half finished book on the authors website called ‘Midnight Sun’, which was supposed to be Edward’s side of the story. I hope you waste your time on it, so that you could write about it too!!!
This is superlatively funny.
I am not sure why I haven’t blog-rolled you for so long. But here we go!
Cheers,
Salil
I’m totally in love with the series and Edward….. but I loved your version!! Really looking forward to the rest!!
amazing……..super cool story
boss u forgot one thing here…….body type of the chik!!!!or the vampire….both belong 2 the same existence there!!!!!
I like the book,read on till the fourth book,not so bad as to call it torture,the fourth is the best,no romance,just a good plot,and chicken?come on!thats arghy!
This is the best Twilight interpretation ever!!
Amaaazing !!
Awesome!!
Loved your version though have not read the original and never intended to, for have read several similar stuff at teenage!!!
Really, this spoof would be a better seller than all the Vampire stuff in the market.
You shoulda stopped at the book review.
The rest killed it for me.
Good work. I like chicken too.
hehehe…….!!!
Gr8 comparison guys…..^_^
A big ” COCK-A-DOODLE-DOO “…..2 u
Well actlly i luv TWILIGHT n its whole series bt ur comparison was HiLLaRiOuS n RiB t!cKL!Ng…….O_o
its lyk a sayin in Hindi
“GHODA GHAAS SE DOSTI KAREGA TO KHAAEGA KYA”…..lol
wat abt,…eclipse, new moon and breaking dawn???im a 23 yr old jus lik dat 14-year old gal..who swoons on Edward’s name,..is in love with this vampire series…but just woke up to hear the cock croon..loved ur version of Twilight too!!!
I’m not sure if I’ve commented here before … I linked up to this post of yours and wanted to let you know. I hope you don’t mind!
This is absolutely hilarious!!!! I just can’t stop laughing!
“Rest of story is for birds”, a trick I could learn
Good one!
hahahahaha
yea i saw the movies quite recently and ur comical interpretation is accurate to the story line
haha u makeme laugh man
I lolled
SNOL-snort laughing out loud!! – ok yeah i made it up but seriously you took this to a whole other level of funniness! lov it lov it lov it!