Anybody who has a husband or a boyfriend or some other form of commitment-phobic, responsibility-fearing human partner, knows that anything he says has an ulterior motive. Every women is born with a natural ability see through the intentions but chooses to be patient and forgiving for the sake of a peaceful relationship. Just in case of doubt, here are some common scenarios and how to handle them.
What he says: Hey we should cook more balanced meals, with more vegetables and Omega3s
What it means: In a rare fit of inquisitiveness, he read a health article on CNN
How to handle it: Just ignore. It will pass in a few days.
What he says: I think the leaky faucet points to a deep rooted problem with how our plumbing is laid out and the net pressure of the water in the pipes.
What it means: He has no idea how to replace the faucet and is too proud to admit it.
How to handle it: Call a plumber and get it fixed. Search on Amazon for books with topic, “How not to turn every small thing in life into a macho pride thing”.
What he says: The engine is making rattling noises, let me see what’s going on under the hood
What it means: He wants you to believe that he knows what the hell is under the hood, even though the only thing he can name there is the dipstick.
How to handle it: Have pity and pretend to believe him. Just gently request him not to actually try to repair anything in there.
What he says: I prefer to watch unrated versions of movies because they show the true vision of the director
What it means: He knows unrated versions have more nudity
How to deal with it: Because he is not particularly interested in the nudity anyway, use the nude scenes as an opportunity to discuss the true vision of the director in the movie.
What he says: How does my shirt look?
What it means: Shirt is just a decoy to take your attention off the fact that he didn’t wash his jeans in two weeks.
How to handle it: Tell him he looks completely out of shape in what he is wearing. He will change the whole wardrobe immediately. In fact, he will do anything to look toned other than exercising.
What he says: This year, for anniversary gifts, let’s give each other something we both can use
What it means: He wants to give *you* the Play Station Personal *he* always wanted to buy
How to handle it: In the same spirit, gift him a nice pair of Manolos
What he says: OH MY GOD! I can’t find anything in the house. My life is ruined. Why me? Why now?
What it means: He can’t find his towel
How to handle it: Remind him it’s exactly where he left it. On the carpet, next to his closet. Ask him if he knows what “Drama Queen” means.
What he says: Honey, why don’t we go to the mall
What it means: He saw some exciting lingerie in Victoria’s Secret catalog which you will never buy on your own. He intends to casually walk by it and suggest that you buy it.
How to handle it: Get hold of the catalog and figure out what he has in mind. It should be easy. It’s the one with smallest surface area. Now go to Victoria’s Secret with him. Pick up the item before he gets a chance and say, “Look at this! What kind of pervert would want to see his wife in this!” Enjoy the rest of the shopping.
What he says: Ohmigod, look at tech stocks! They are such a bargain!
What it means: He, again, convinced himself that he is a stock market whiz-kid
How to handle it: Don’t panic. First change the password on his E*Trade account. Then make him sit and write “I won’t gamble with stocks” as many times as the dollars he lost in stocks this year.
What he says: Honey, I created a directory called, “Work Files” on the computer. Please don’t touch it. It has important information.
What it means: “C:\Work Files\January 2006\Sources\Examples\Documents\Junk” is where he stores the porn
How to deal with it: Being the software chick yourself, it’s not hard to write a program that replaces the contents of the directory with pictures of naked dudes every night.
“Because he is not particularly interested in the nudity anyway, use the nude scenes as an opportunity to discuss the true vision of the director in the movie.”
ROTFLMAO!! Good ones!
This is the part which is confusing to me….why would he NOT be particularly interested in the nudity if it were the female kind!?!?
Absolutely love your writing..great style.
Keep them coming.
M
Doodd… whyy????? I thought you were on our side , especially after the last post.
Wait a sec.. Is this your wife?
2 posts in 1 day? I likes
Are you the best or what? Loved both the posts like hell!!
Good One!
yeah!!! You staterd reading women…. Good one!!!!
ROFL
Loved every bit of this post!
Men will be men…. and we end up having a hearty laugh at their expense LOL
Ahem! sorry to say this Twisted, but this post aint funny! it a bore. yawwwwwwnnnnnnnn. methinks u let your wife / girlfriend write it for u. or u wrote this just to please all your female fans. or u were writing under the influence.
Heck – why am I lying. this was real good. but this i got to ask – how do u know the female psyche so well. the previous post i can understand. but to write this one, u must be one helluva observant guy. good on u!
cliches cliches n more cliches!! what makes u think only men make for ‘commitment-phobic, responsibility-fearing human partners’???
allow me to rewrite your blogpost:
What he says: Hey we should cook more balanced meals, with more vegetables and Omega3s
What it means: His cooking sucks, and he’s trying to get you to to eat raw fruits n veggies
What he says: I think the leaky faucet points to a deep rooted problem with how our plumbing is laid out and the net pressure of the water in the pipes.
What it means: He has no idea how to replace the facet and is too proud to admit it she knows how to fix it
What he says: The engine is making rattling noises, let me see what’s going on under the hood
What it means: the engine is making rattling sounds
What he says: I prefer to watch unrated versions of movies because they show the true vision of the director
How to deal with it: watch the unrated version of brokeback mountain
What he says: How does my shirt look/This year, for anniversary gifts, let’s give each other something we both can use
))
What it means/ How to handle it: whatever you said
What he says: OH MY GOD! I can’t anything in the house. My life is ruined. Why me? Why now?
What it means: He can’t find his towel
How to handle it: let him find his towel
What he says: Honey, why don’t we go to the mall
What it means: He saw some exciting lingerie in Victoria’s Secret catalog…..
How to handle it: first you buy the Manolos….
What he says: Honey, I created a directory called, “Work Files†on the computer. Please don’t touch it. It has important information.
What it means: “C:\Work Files\January 2006\Sources\Examples\Documents\Junk†is where is stores the porn
How to deal with it: nothing to worry about – he will never bother to look at your ‘chick flick movies’ folder which also has porn
and when i say what do u want for anniversary means i am reminding that u hav to gift me something for anniversary
Haha!!! You forgot to mention about how men would never pay heed to directions given by a girl sitting besides him in the car!!!
What I say: I see what you have done here. You are seeking balance. It is now the Men’s turn.
What I really mean: Dude, I know you were totally ‘bust’ed with the boob job thingie in the last post, that’s why you had to write about men losing towels and wondering if dipstick inside the car hood is really cheese dip for his chips.
How to handle it: Make a graphical post on how you don’t like a random stuff bought from a random store in US. This thing always works. Or, I bet you will now have a million search hits from “boob Job” and now you can probably write a post like “Saree below navel”, only you will have to title it as “boobs above navel”.
Trauma queen’s version looks pretty as well
ROTFL!! I should have just requested u to write this post, instead of even trying to reach your level of writing. Put Feet (** thats my college lingo for “respectfully bows to you”)
Twisted joining politics ???
Trying to appease both parties by talking against each other ?
Love, Love, Love it!
Subtle plug for Amazon I see
What she says: Sweetie, I read your post this morning. Nice!
What it means: If you hope to have dinner or live in this house, go make repairs….*NOW*!
How to handle it: Just like you handle everything else. Like a real man. Hurriedly scribble another post on the same lines. This time a self-deprecating one; gender reversed. Women are idiots anyway. If they didn’t see the humor in the first one, they’ll feel good about themselves and buy this one. Dinner secured, roof over head (at least for now), and female readers retained.
Three birds, one stone. Win-win-win
-g
PS: Nice post! (The non-cover-up one
)
What he says: Every women is born with a natural ability see through the intentions but chooses to be patient and forgiving for the sake of a peaceful relationship.
What it means: I give up.
How to handle it: Don’t. He already has. Like a real sensitive [sic] man.
-g
Good post. Enjoyed reading it.
Hey!! I’ve been following your blog for quite a while now and I love it!
ROFL @ everything in this post…hillarious!
Damn it, I should say Truma Queen is better than you man !!
Seriously accept TD, You were stalked and deprived of food & Shelter for a day or two and you were made to write this follow up one right?? Go ahead Admit it!! Its OK !!!
Very preceptive post. Dangerously so!
Can you read minds?
The last point! Why did you put the last point!
Ahem….ahem….Looks like the cat’s caught it’s tongue!! I shall refrain from saying anything.
hahah!
Another classic one dude!
Loved ALL of them!…lol!
Brilliant.. thanks for warning for the future..
and u seem a pro on the other side too! how?
Ashish, MS, Snigdha, Goofy Mumma, Mithiri, Ekta:
Thank you!
Manish Krishnan:
I thought you were on our side
mai samay hun. I have no side. I am on the side of making fun of everything
Wait a sec.. Is this your wife?
No, she didn’t actually type it
La Vida Loca:
2 posts in 1 day? I likes
Ya, apparently wordpress does allow post most frequently than once in 2 weeks, I never explored
barath:
You staterd reading women…. Good one!!!!
You can only start, you can never finish
Priti:
Men will be men…. and we end up having a hearty laugh at their expense LOL
Ya, goes both ways
Anon Again!:
sorry to say this Twisted, but this post aint funny!
LOL!
u let your wife / girlfriend write it for u.
DUDE! Stop spreading rumors. I don’t have a girlfriend!
or u were writing under the influence.
Haha. WUI!
Thanks buddy
trauma queen:
allow me to rewrite your blogpost:
you are pretty good, you should write my next post too!
What it means: His cooking sucks,
That’s not a flashing news
What it means: He has no idea how to replace the facet and is too proud to admit it she knows how to fix it
This is cheating, you are just rephrasing what I said!
How to deal with it: watch the unrated version of brokeback mountain
ROFL
How to handle it: let him find his towel
Ah, live and let live policy! I wish more people are like that
How to deal with it: nothing to worry about – he will never bother to look at your ‘chick flick movies’ folder which also has porn
Hahaha. Appropriately named as “chick flicks”
itchingtowrite:
and when i say what do u want for anniversary means i am reminding that u hav to gift me something for anniversary
That’s quite nice. Most women don’t remind and let the guy face the consequence
Nupur:
Haha!!! You forgot to mention about how men would never pay heed to directions given by a girl sitting besides him in the car!!!
Ya, too cliched. I just don’t like cliches and stereotypes. (I am kidding. I forgot to use that stereotype)
Dinesh:
ROFL! You are insightful
Phoenix:
I agree with you 
Trauma queen’s version looks pretty as well
See, it’s only pretty. Mine is functional
How do we know:
I should have just requested u to write this post,
Oh no, then we would’ve missed your real insight
Put Feet (** thats my college lingo for “respectfully bows to youâ€)
ROFL. You learn something new everyday
Srikanth:
Twisted joining politics
What? I didn’t use swear words, didn’t try mudslinging, didn’t praise other bloggers for my benefit… I am totally unfit for politics
Trying to appease both parties by talking against each other
Ya, I am a f***ing John “Maverick” McCain
clueless:
Love, Love, Love it!
Thank you, thank you, thank you!
Nitin:
Subtle plug for Amazon I see
Yes, I am planning to sell those books on this site through Amazon. If nobody wrote them yet, better for me. I will write them too
gauri:
ROFL! That is very insightful and very scarily accurate
Three birds, one stone. Win-win-win
See that’s what exactly I do. Take a cliche and enhance it
PS: Nice post! (The non-cover-up one
)
Now that’s what’s called a cover up
What it means: I give up.
He he he. Not giving up… it’s encouragement.. so women keep doing it more and more
kusublakki:
I’ve been following your blog for quite a while now and I love it
Thank you both for following it and loving it
Aparna:
Damn it, I should say Truma Queen is better than you man !!
Well, she has an ax to grind so she is more passionate about it
Seriously accept TD, You were stalked and deprived of food & Shelter for a day or two
I must have been, I am not sure… I was busy working
Rada:
Can you read minds?
Nope, can’t even read mine
Rockus:
The last point! Why did you put the last point!
he he he. I know I busted a lot of people with that
sthitapragnya:
I shall refrain from saying anything.
I wish I had that kind of resolve in a lot of situations
Abhinav:
thanks for warning for the future..
You mean warning future about you?
buddy:
and u seem a pro on the other side too! how?
You will have to learn a few things under duress
Gauri: You ROCK!!! i loved that comment.
trauma queen is better than you
nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah
with or without the axe effect
mastered the fine art of covering one’s ass, i see
Superb.
Wow, your posts had me in splits.
Also loved trauma queen’s mini-post , especially the sggested use of ‘Brokeback’ (can just imagine the efect of that one.:)
Tough crowd tonight.
hahahaha thanks for the translations!
Hahaha..good ones!! And all of them sound so real..
is it u who wrote it?
wat a change!
no bad u tend to be jumping sides back and forth!
but then u dint jump as deep as trauma queen!
she is a real trauma i say
Came here today after a long gap and spent the next 15 minutes simply relishing and laughing loud at each line from your ’saying-meaning’ series
Thanks so much for the laughs..especially after the depressing days of the mumbai incident.
You rock sir!
You’ve been awarded for being so funny. Go check my blog!
Hey, Pick up your award from here.
here after quite some time. how do you manage 45 comments for ALL your posts uncle???!!?? i thot that was possible only for college kids’ blogs such as my own!!
Hello! Howdy!! :–)
Both posts, super good! :–)
I truly pity your husband!!! chu chu chu
Hilarious yet so so true!!
dude..be careful you don’t want to be hounded by some guys in the middle of the street for getting their decades old secrets out
awesome post…but the earlier one was better!!
Happy New Year Twisted! Do we get a gift, like a new post before we send off 2008?
Whats up? Nothing for so long?
Here’s Wishing you a very happy and prosperous ‘09!!!!!
woke up from a siesta and i am sure going to have a good time now,thanks to all the endorphins that released reading this post:)
have a great new year!
hiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
Loved it.. whoever you are, you have expressed reality in a unique way. We want more from you.
Superb. Its actually so true what men say! Like your writing and your text.
Keep writing and smiling
Sup.
What you lack in quantity you definitely more than make up with quality. Every one of your posts is worth its weight in gold. Keep up the good work so sneakers like me can read and enjoy
Man!! U rock each time…..
hilarious.. too good.. men can be weak at times and try to fool women by their attitude
good one
I loved the lingerie bit! Where do you come up with this stuff?
Exactly the reason I don’t take offence at anti-women jokes. WE (men and women) should learn to celebrate our (men’s and women’s)flaws because we really don’t have any good qualities and it ain’t nice to pretend.
Exactly the reason I don’t take offence at anti-women jokes. WE (men and women) should learn to celebrate our (men’s and women’s)flaws because we (men and women) really don’t have any good qualities and it ain’t nice to pretend.
This is some kick-ass stuff, brother!
Really Funny.. Keep it up..
I have long been trying to explain the same thing to my friends but I think it’s easier if I just email them the link to this article instead! Thankyou for writing such an insightful feautre.Hey!