Anybody who has a wife or a girlfriend or somebody in between understands that anything she says has a hidden meaning which the male species has not evolved with enough sensory perceptions to understand. This handy guide addresses some common scenarios.
What she says: How was your day honey?
What it means: She wants you to ask how her day was
How to handle it: Assuming, you are one of the 99% of men who neither wants to talk about his day nor wants to listen about your wife’s day, the best strategy is to switch to “rant mode”. For example, in response to “how was your day”, you could say, “It was the most godawful day anybody can ever have. I mean, I was trying to tweak the CPU frequency but the audio keeps crapping out”. If she is one of 99% of normal human beings, she would have slept half way through.
What she says: Hey, you want to watch a movie tonight? Something light?
What it means: She wants to watch some tear-jerker chickflick
How to handle it: Remember that, like everything she says or does, it is a test. If you whine about the movie, it will be paid back in kind when you want to watch “Star Wars :The Clone Wars.” The best way to handle it is to agree cheerfully to watch any movie she wants. In fact, offer to drive to Blockbuster to get the movie. Just stick a scotch tape to the underside of the DVD on the way back and soon you will get a chance to feign regret for a damaged DVD.
What she says: What should I wear for tonight’s party? The blue dress I wore last Sunday or the red dress the Sunday before?
How to handle it: You are in a minefield. First of all you have no clue if she really has those dresses or if she is just testing your memory. More over, you have no clue what she wore last Sunday or the Sunday before. If you make one mistake you will be going down the “Do you even notice me any more” discussion. The best way to handle it is by concentrating and remembering at least one dress she owns. If you can think of one, just say, “Why not that long yellow number?” Adding “You look really good in that” will seal the deal. But what if you can’t absolutely remember at least one of the dresses she has? Then, you simply excuse yourself that you need to go to the restroom. Go to her closet and find out!
What she says: Our car is making some rattling noises. Can you get it fixed?
What it means: Your kid left a rattle toy in the backseat
How to handle it: Say, “sure honey”. Take the car out “for servicing” at the nearest microbrewery and get the car fixed for a couple of hours.
What she says: Hey, I am going to the mall. Do you want me to you get you a shirt or something?
How to handle it: You got a tough problem on your hands. If you say “yes”, you are obviously not going to like what she bought. So you can’t wear it nor can you return it (and stay married). But you can’t say “no” to the question either because then the follow-up would be, “What, you don’t like my taste?” You can’t honestly answer the question (and stay married). The best way to handle it is by saying, “Sure. The plain blue shirt I wear to work is pretty ruined anyway. Can you get me the exact same shirt?”
What she says: Oh, I LOVE these shoes! But they are just above our price range. *sigh*
What it means: She wants you to say, “Oh, you deserve them honey”
How to handle it: If her pout made the corners of your eyes moisten, remind yourself what kind of cheap, insensitive and thoughtless husband you are. You can’t just give away an expensive pair of shoes without a good business proposition. So the way to counter it is by saying, “Oh, it’s not that expensive honey. That’s how much the Prince of Persia IV for PS3 costs!”
What she says: Why are you behaving like this? Why are you so irritable and argumentative today?
What it means: She has PMS
How to handle it: Use the normal protocol to handle PMS. Agree with everything she says.
What she says: You have no idea what happened at work today, *sob* *sob*. I had the crappiest day.
What it means: She is looking for affection, understanding and solace.
How to handle it: If you do anything out of the ordinary, she will be very confused. So follow the normal procedure. Try to empathize with her until you realize you miserably failed to understand why her day was crappy. Then take the kids out to the mall while she talks to her best friend for a couple of hours. Bring chocolate on the way back home.
What she says: Do you think my friend Sarah got a boob job?
How to handle it: This is like a multiple choice question where all answers are wrong. By answering either “yes” or “no”, you are admitting to checking out Sarah’s boobs AND monitoring their gradual progress over a period of time. But don’t be too quick to dismiss, “Oh I only look at her face.” It will look like an obvious cover up. The best strategy is to feign disinterest. Something like, “Which of your friends is Sarah?” is a good start. Then shrugging and brushing off, “I didn’t notice anything weird.” That is the only way out.
I am a pretty normal girl and human being. So if he tells me he had this technical thing, being a technical person myself I would discuss whats wrong with the CPU and audio device. So saying “If she is one of 99% of normal human beings, she would have slept half way through” was not funny at all.
I hate tear jerkers chick flicks and I have the sense to check a DVD.
Oh! leave it….my comment alone will make a post.
Don’t stereotype every wife or gf or woman.
Genius….is an understatement! I hope my husband doesnt get a copy of this…I’ll lose all my bargaining power
Hah, I just wrote the whole essay and i got dc and lost it.
Anyway writing it all again. I go with both the ladies, reema and homecooked. Don’t you think that the women accept whatever excuses (craps) men throw at them – because the sole reason to accept the excuses (craps) is that the women completely go out of energy and get tired of the lame excuses.
At the same time, as you put it, many of the questions are also not genuine and useless which are asked by women.
And guess what, you’ve skipped/ not experienced many many many more traits. Seems u’re one lucky fellow.
Or you’ve deliberately spared them. You can cover up in next post 
Anyway, although all the blah blahs i did above, I still love to read your posts and this one is as usual, hilarious. Cheers.
On a second thought, “Anything in between wife and galfrd” kind of guys don’t need to understand it
Oh c’mon DNA.. Why it has to be girls or girl friends all the time. Men too gossip and do share it quitely among their friends meaning complaining/ whining about women.
You have a blog award waiting in my blog.
Hehehe, presenty and luckily I have none..!
God bless my future!
Even though your post reinforces the stereotype, I hope the guys and gals who read this post take it for exactly what is: an irreverent and deliciously wicked post designed to draw a chuckle out of you!
Dude for each of your question that you mentioned, whichever way you answer it, it is going to be a trap. What if she asks for CPU frequency? Do we say 10 times a day!! The dress thing is a true minefield whichever way you go.
You can also add this question: “Did you like the chicken I cooked today? Be honest about it!”
After this question, you are dead either way you answer!
..and then there are a bunch of us who don’t fall under the stereotype.
I rem a specific convo with the husband on someone’s boob job, and he replied “More like get one tummy tuck and get a boob job at half the price.” and I had to agree.
Perceptive. We like that in men you know
Haha!!! It’s just amazing how you notice trivial things and manage to present it in such a nice way!
I know , this post was just to bring out a chuckle . .So I am going to be very mature about it and just say ”
“
Its vile, stereotypical, and capital MCP-ist.
AND i loved it
Let me guess… someone noticed a good boob job today, and his wife noticed that he noticed… or perhaps.. someone had a fight with the wife today.. or maybe….?
You almost inspire my next post..!
There… revenge is mine .. heee heee haaa haaa haaa… tho not half as funny as you make them.
The wife has trained u well
Now I HAVE to meet her 
I’m curious now. How many of these are from personal exp? Quite a few would be my guess..
Nice Post. I wouldnt want to say anything more. (Someone is reading over my shoulder)
I might have to forgo some pleasures for the next week or so, till I get a chance to turn my charm on ….but, what the hell…
buddy, the star wars is such a crappy movie. Seriously! Dont even start about skywalker of bongbanger or whoever he is.
TD,
A bit cliched?
Nevertheless, I laughed.
-Nikhil
Ah, the experience!
LOL!! Had me in splits. I’m not married and so have no personal bits to add.. but really a blogpost for monday, yes!
Toooo good!
)
This is no more than a cliched portrait of women, inspired by forwards. Not even funny!
I have a question: are women supposed to use this as a guide as well?
Funny
WHERE do guys look for to find such specimens?? They must be making that extra effort, must be some masochistic streak in them that makes them look for such ‘pearls’ and hitch up with them!! Lol. In that case it is well deserved.
LOL .. good one…
think you missed another one
“Look.. Hot chick”, what she actually means is ” I hope you haven’t checked her out, If you have then please tell me I’m better than her.Yet, In the midst of all this, I wanna sound like a cool girlfriend “.
More often than not, you’ve already checked her out.. but u cant say “Yeah .. seen that !” … and you think shes smoking hot and on any normal day, by urself, you wudve gaped with mouth wide open..but u can’t now. On the other hand, if you haven’t noticed her you can’t say “Where ? Where?” cos that would make you sound desperate. The best thing to do would be to say “Why should I look at a hot chick when I have you”… which can be construed in different ways
Mr Twisted! U r truly a genius!
When I was reading this piece, I almost saw my life rush thru in front of me. really awesome.
and apologies to Reema – but me and all my guy friends seem to have similar experiences. funny, we have never met the 1 % that Twisted refers to.
Oh really? You don’t look at Sarah’s boobs?
Eventhough this is funny, it is insightful. A rare collection of gems on how to handle the females. I do wish I read it much earlier, rather than nod after reading each point. Ah well, let me go back and build that damn time machine!
Hmmm…Very insightful I should say and also such knowledgeable words
doesnt usually come out very easily unless one experiences them personally time & again..Its more like trail & error method… but then what works for you may not work for others too.. we women can be very shrewd when required.. and you will never even get to know 
This is so unfair you know! How about the likes of me that watch football alongside hubby rooting for the team which btw the hubby makes fun of (Peyton “sucks” Manning, it seems… bawllll), play hoops every night with hubby dear (and kicks some ass too), play Prince (check typo above) of Persia and/or egg hubby to play Prince when self is too tired? The likes that actually point out a hot chick when self spots the said chick??? Huh? Huh? Huh?
and chickflick? bah!
Man, you are too good.I do hope your wife aint reading this.
TD, U…… !! U left the most important thing here… THE FOOD !!!
“How is the @$$%#$%$@! dish I made for dinner, when the Sharmas came home last month”??
Ah!! U dont have any clue, do you??
I’m taking your word for it and will religiously play by your rules in case any of the above predicaments. But in the event of any of these ruses not working, do we have a money-back guarantee?
u seem to be quite the pro!
Reema:
Don’t stereotype every wife or gf or woman.
Well, if I don’t include every woman, it’s not even called a stereotype, duh!
So if he tells me he had this technical thing, being a technical person myself I would discuss whats wrong with the CPU and audio device.
Sounds like you are challenging me to come up with a post on Techie wives/girlfriends. Wait, I already did. Knowing how big a fan of stereotypes and generalizations you are, I am sure you will enjoy it:
http://www.twisted-dna.com/2006/08/29/is-your-girlfriend-a-computer-geek/
I hate tear jerkers chick flicks and I have the sense to check a DVD.
Let me change the title of the post from “A personal attack on Reema” to “Humor”.
In any case, you seem to be offended by the fact that I am targeting women with the purpose of demeaning them. But you should understand that I am an “equal opportunity insulter”. I make fun of anything that comes into my view. So sorry to have offended you but no harm was intended.
Homecooked:
I hope my husband doesnt get a copy of this…I’ll lose all my bargaining power
Oh you are just saying it, I am sure you have tons more trick questions which you will never reveal to us
Phoenix:
is that the women completely go out of energy and get tired of the lame excuses.
You know I didn’t think of this one. That’s a good idea. If exasperation works, it is what we will use
And guess what, you’ve skipped/ not experienced many many many more traits
I can’t use all the material in one post. I need to save some for future posts too
I still love to read your posts
Thank you
pria:
Men too gossip and do share it quitely among their friends meaning complaining/ whining about women.
Men don’t gossip! If they have to whine and complain, they start a blog like me
Abhinav:
God bless my future!
Don’t leave it to Gods lest you will end up with multiple. Did you notice how many wives each one has!
Rada:
That’s exactly what it is.
irreverent
You pretty much summed up the entire blog in one word
Dinesh:
rads:
..and then there are a bunch of us who don’t fall under the stereotype.
Then we will just have to expand the stereotype to cover everybody
he replied “More like get one tummy tuck and get a boob job at half the price.†and I had to agree.
The question is whether you agree or not, the question is how he paid for it
Perceptive. We like that in men you know
You should put a “:P” at the end. Otherwise some poor chap may believe it and present his perspective on how brilliant this wife’s friend’s cooking is.
Nupur:
you notice trivial things and manage to present it in such a nice way!
Once you say the wrong thing, you will realize they are not trivial by any means
Priya:
“
So I am going to be very mature about it and just say â€
I am guessing you believe in the saying, “If you don’t have any nice things to say, don’t say anything”
Chutney:
Its vile, stereotypical, and capital MCP-ist.
Did the post come off a that? Man, I am getting really good at conveying the intended tone!
How do we know:
someone noticed a good boob job today
I notice bad boobjobs too. I don’t discriminate. Today? I live in California. So I notice everyday.
and his wife noticed that he noticed
Wife gave up long time ago. Now she would worry if I didn’t ogle at pretty women.
There… revenge is mine ..
That’s a pretty good revenge
La Vida Loca:
Now I HAVE to meet her 
The wife has trained u well
No she didn’t. I trained myself
maxdavinci:
I’m curious now. How many of these are from personal exp? Quite a few would be my guess..
Lol. One would guess. Actually, it’s hard to tell what is personal and what is observed but the experiences are so similar.
jizt:
Nice Post. I wouldnt want to say anything more. (Someone is reading over my shoulder)
ROFL!
I might have to forgo some pleasures for the next week or so,
Oh my god, this is the best honor I received, forgoing certain things to make the comment
buddy, the star wars is such a crappy movie. Seriously! Dont even start about skywalker of bongbanger or whoever he is.
What! You didn’t see Princess Leia and the metal bikini in the “Return of Jedi”? How could you still say that!
Nikhil Narayanan:
A bit cliched?
A bit? I need to work hard and get more cliches in!
Adithya:
Ah, the experience!
Yes, the collective experience
Karthik Sriram:
Thank you
Karthik:
Thanks to both.
Ooh, two Karthik’s in a row
Priya:
This is no more than a cliched portrait of women, inspired by forwards. Not even funny!
Inspired by forwards! You should’ve forwarded me some of those, saved me the trouble of writing it!
RukmaniRam:
I have a question: are women supposed to use this as a guide as well?
No, I wrote another one for them
Amarghosh:
Thanks
shail:
WHERE do guys look for to find such specimens??
You don’t have to look that hard
In that case it is well deserved.
See the deal is, there are no women without bad qualities. But nobody talks about the good qualities because, well, it’s not funny 
It is well deserved
Manish Krishnan:
Brilliantly put.
“Look.. Hot chickâ€, what she actually means is †I hope you haven’t checked her out, If you have then please tell me I’m better than her.Yet, In the midst of all this, I wanna sound like a cool girlfriend “.
ROFL! That’s a really good trap
Anon Again!:
When I was reading this piece, I almost saw my life rush thru in front of me
Hahaha. Well, I will make sure the consecutive posts help more rushes
and apologies to Reema – but me and all my guy friends seem to have similar experiences. funny, we have never met the 1 % that Twisted refers to.
Dude, why are you dragging me into this!
Sudipta Chatterjee:
Oh really? You don’t look at Sarah’s boobs?
Absolutely NOT! I refuse to do it until she gets a boobjob
Rockus:
I do wish I read it much earlier,
No use. Your knowledge, quick-wit and intelligence are of absolutely no use
You Know Me Very Well:
Its more like trail & error method
Haha that’s a good one! Yep, it was “trail, error, huge argument, discussion, careful next time” method.
but then what works for you may not work for others too
what do you mean what works for me? Nothing works for me or anybody… this is just ranting
Mythili:
You are like a dream. I mean, every guys dream of a wife
clueless:
Man, you are too good.I do hope your wife aint reading this.
She already did. No, I am not writing from the afterlife. I must give her credit for seeing the humor in it.
Aparna:
TD, U…… !! U left the most important thing here… THE FOOD
Lol, ya. The food our wives make is a constant source of amusement too
“How is the @$$%#$%$@! dish I made for dinner, when the Sharmas came home last month�?
Ah!! U dont have any clue, do you??
No I don’t have a clue. You didn’t invite me when you invited Sharmas!
sthitapragnya:
do we have a money-back guarantee?
Absolutely, provided you are still alive
buddy:
u seem to be quite the pro!
No I am not. Professional is somebody who gets paid not the one who keeps paying for it all through life.
Weeellllll, it is ur blog, aint it? apologies – was feeling reckless the other day. wait a minute, i am always like this…
Hey you swallowed my reply! Blank reply! Is it a tactical move? You don’t want to say how the chicken tasted?
TD, you are purporting the fallacies of stereotypical gender equations, which might pass off as humor but not of the tasteful kind. Women are a more refined species and hence are high-maintainence, in stark contrast to men who are more oriented towards the physical, the tangible – they need to touch and feel things to believe, they need proof, scientific or otherwise. Women do not need absolute proof, they don’t look for facts or figures but experiences and feelings. By propagating the wrong things about a gender, you are not contributing to a well-rounded view on the matter.
ummm……u know y we make u all read beyond the words,
, tht too waiting to watch the animated one!
coz then atleast u guys will think and TALK
which otherwise wud have been an overrated activity while u r glued to the TVs!
and i like Star wars- whatever part
“Just stick a scotch tape to the underside of the DVD on the way back and soon you will get a chance to feign regret for a damaged DVD.”
Ha…tats so wicked!!!
“What she says: Why are you behaving like this? Why are you so irritable and argumentative today?
What it means: She has PMS
How to handle it: Use the normal protocol to handle PMS. Agree with everything she says.”
Okies..I wud accept that now!!
“What she says: You have no idea what happened at work today, *sob* *sob*. I had the crappiest day.
What it means: She is looking for affection, understanding and solace.
How to handle it: If you do anything out of the ordinary, she will be very confused. So follow the normal procedure. Try to empathize with her until you realize you miserably failed to understand why her day was crappy. Then take the kids out to the mall while she talks to her best friend for a couple of hours. Bring chocolate on the way back home.”
And this one too..so true so true!!I mean nothin else works yaar..n isn it so clear??Y try sth diff nw?
And yes the boob job thing was the best!!Ha ha..U r so damn clever to think of all these man!!Good work..
Just toooo good. I couldnt stop laughing in each and every sentence…
This article is so damn true, i love your posts
My favorite has got to be the “So how was your day today?”, which is for me a daily battle to try skipping or shortening her answer (in a loving and caring, who cares kinda way, of course). And I 99.9% of the time end up doing just that, computer tech talk, (Well the SMPT server crashed so we had to reinstall freebsd and all the deamons … etc …) except that while talking you’re slowly walking away towards the living room or what not. From there you finish your speech and yell back, “And you, how was yours”, and hope that she hasn’t followed you..
That’s my routine get away
Awesome dude… every one of them hit the nail bang on the head. Particulalry liked the ‘which dress sould I wear’ one. Have been in exactly the same situation countless times.
My dad should really read this. Then again, it would give me nothing to laugh about if he did see it…
The boob job statement brought out a nostalgic occurence in my life wherein my girlfriend asked me whether or not her figure was better than her best friend’s….try answering yes or no to that…they keep foisting these catch 22s on us…