Monthly Archive for November, 2008

Seeing beyond the words

Anybody who has a husband or a boyfriend or some other form of commitment-phobic, responsibility-fearing human partner, knows that anything he says has an ulterior motive. Every women is born with a natural ability see through the intentions but chooses to be patient and forgiving for the sake of a peaceful relationship.  Just in case of doubt, here are some common scenarios and how to handle them.

What he says: Hey we should cook more balanced meals, with more vegetables and Omega3s
What it means: In a rare fit of inquisitiveness, he read a health article on CNN
How to handle it: Just ignore.  It will pass in a few days.

What he says: I think the leaky faucet points to a deep rooted problem with how our plumbing is laid out and the net pressure of the water in the pipes.
What it means: He has no idea how to replace the faucet and is too proud to admit it.
How to handle it: Call a plumber and get it fixed.  Search on Amazon for books with topic, “How not to turn every small thing in life into a macho pride thing”.

What he says: The engine is making rattling noises, let me see what’s going on under the hood
What it means: He wants you to believe that he knows what the hell is under the hood, even though the only thing he can name there is the dipstick.
How to handle it: Have pity and pretend to believe him.  Just gently request him not to actually try to repair anything in there.

What he says: I prefer to watch unrated versions of movies because they show the true vision of the director
What it means: He knows unrated versions have more nudity
How to deal with it: Because he is not particularly interested in the nudity anyway, use the nude scenes as an opportunity to discuss the true vision of the director in the movie.

What he says: How does my shirt look?
What it means:  Shirt is just a decoy to take your attention off the fact that he didn’t wash his jeans in two weeks.
How to handle it: Tell him he looks completely out of shape in what he is wearing.  He will change the whole wardrobe immediately.  In fact, he will do anything to look toned other than exercising.

What he says: This year, for anniversary gifts, let’s give each other something we both can use
What it means: He wants to give *you* the Play Station Personal *he* always wanted to buy
How to handle it: In the same spirit, gift him a nice pair of Manolos

What he says: OH MY GOD!  I can’t find anything in the house. My life is ruined.  Why me?  Why now?
What it means: He can’t find his towel
How to handle it: Remind him it’s exactly where he left it. On the carpet, next to his closet.  Ask him if he knows what “Drama Queen” means.

What he says: Honey, why don’t we go to the mall
What it means: He saw some exciting lingerie in Victoria’s Secret catalog which you will never buy on your own.  He intends to casually walk by it and suggest that you buy it.
How to handle it: Get hold of the catalog and figure out what he has in mind.  It should be easy.  It’s the one with smallest surface area.  Now go to Victoria’s Secret with him.  Pick up the item before he gets a chance and say, “Look at this!  What kind of pervert would want to see his wife in this!”  Enjoy the rest of the shopping.

What he says: Ohmigod, look at tech stocks!  They are such a bargain!
What it means: He, again, convinced himself that he is a stock market whiz-kid
How to handle it: Don’t panic.  First change the password on his E*Trade account.  Then make him sit and write “I won’t gamble with stocks” as many times as the dollars he lost in stocks this year.

What he says: Honey, I created a directory called, “Work Files” on the computer.  Please don’t touch it. It has important information.
What it means: “C:\Work Files\January 2006\Sources\Examples\Documents\Junk” is where he stores the porn
How to deal with it: Being the software chick yourself, it’s not hard to write a program that replaces the contents of the directory with pictures of naked dudes every night.

Reading between the words

Anybody who has a wife or a girlfriend or somebody in between understands that anything she says has a hidden meaning which the male species has not evolved with enough sensory perceptions to understand.  This handy guide addresses some common scenarios.

What she says: How was your day honey?
What it means: She wants you to ask how her day was
How to handle it: Assuming, you are one of the 99% of men who neither wants to talk about his day nor wants to listen about your wife’s day, the best strategy is to switch to “rant mode”.  For example, in response to “how was your day”, you could say, “It was the most godawful day anybody can ever have.  I mean, I was trying to tweak the CPU frequency but the audio keeps crapping out”.  If she is one of 99% of normal human beings, she would have slept half way through.

What she says
: Hey, you want to watch a movie tonight?  Something light?
What it means: She wants to watch some tear-jerker chickflick
How to handle it: Remember that, like everything she says or does, it is a test.  If you whine about the movie, it will be paid back in kind when you want to watch “Star Wars :The Clone Wars.”  The best way to handle it is to agree cheerfully to watch any movie she wants.  In fact, offer to drive to Blockbuster to get the movie.  Just stick a scotch tape to the underside of the DVD on the way back and soon you will get a chance to feign regret for a damaged DVD.

What she says: What should I wear for tonight’s party?  The blue dress I wore last Sunday or the red dress the Sunday before?
How to handle it: You are in a minefield.  First of all you have no clue if she really has those dresses or if she is just testing your memory.  More over, you have no clue what she wore last Sunday or the Sunday before.  If you make one mistake you will be going down the “Do you even notice me any more” discussion.  The best way to handle it is by concentrating and remembering at least one dress she owns.  If you can think of one, just say, “Why not that long yellow number?”  Adding “You look really good in that” will seal the deal.  But what if you can’t absolutely remember at least one of the dresses she has?  Then, you simply excuse yourself that you need to go to the restroom.  Go to her closet and find out!

What she says
: Our car is making some rattling noises.  Can you get it fixed?
What it means: Your kid left a rattle toy in the backseat
How to handle it: Say, “sure honey”.  Take the car out “for servicing” at the nearest microbrewery and get the car fixed for a couple of hours.

What she says: Hey, I am going to the mall.  Do you want me to you get you a shirt or something?
How to handle it: You got a tough problem on your hands.  If you say “yes”, you are obviously not going to like what she bought.  So you can’t wear it nor can you return it (and stay married).  But you can’t say “no” to the question either because then the follow-up would be, “What, you don’t like my taste?”  You can’t honestly answer the question (and stay married).  The best way to handle it is by saying, “Sure.  The plain blue shirt I wear to work is pretty ruined anyway. Can you get me the exact same shirt?”

What she says: Oh, I LOVE these shoes!  But they are just above our price range. *sigh*
What it means: She wants you to say, “Oh, you deserve them honey”
How to handle it: If her pout made the corners of your eyes moisten, remind yourself what kind of cheap, insensitive and thoughtless husband you are.  You can’t just give away an expensive pair of shoes without a good business proposition.  So the way to counter it is by saying, “Oh, it’s not that expensive honey.  That’s how much the Prince of Persia IV for PS3 costs!”

What she says: Why are you behaving like this?  Why are you so irritable and argumentative today?
What it means: She has PMS
How to handle it: Use the normal protocol to handle PMS.  Agree with everything she says.

What she says: You have no idea what happened at work today, *sob* *sob*.  I had the crappiest day.
What it means: She is looking for affection, understanding and solace.
How to handle it: If you do anything out of the ordinary, she will be very confused.  So follow the normal procedure.  Try to empathize with her until you realize you miserably failed to understand why her day was crappy.  Then take the kids out to the mall while she talks to her best friend for a couple of hours.  Bring chocolate on the way back home.

What she says: Do you think my friend Sarah got a boob job?
How to handle it:  This is like a multiple choice question where all answers are wrong.  By answering either “yes” or “no”, you are admitting to checking out Sarah’s boobs AND monitoring their gradual progress over a period of time.  But don’t be too quick to dismiss, “Oh I only look at her face.”  It will look like an obvious cover up.  The best strategy is to feign disinterest.  Something like, “Which of your friends is Sarah?” is a good start.  Then shrugging and  brushing off, “I didn’t notice anything weird.”  That is the only way out.