Monthly Archive for June, 2008

Gynecological amusement

If you are a woman visiting the gynecologist, you have plenty to occupy yourself with.  But for a guy who is accompanying, willingly or otherwise, there is nothing to do other than stare at the walls.  If you want to avoid getting bored out of your mind, you need to find something to do.  Anything.  Here are a few tips to keep yourself amused.

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* Every gynecologist’s office has stacks of pregnancy magazines.  Go through them and find pictures of pregnant woman who are air-brushed to perfection, like these:

original.jpg


Use your pen and imagination to add bad hair, a few stretch marks and, in general, make them look more natural.
scribbled-2.jpg

Add the confused and scared husband too, if you so please.

scribbled-1.jpg

Time killed: 15 minutes

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* Find a breast-exam brochure and give yourself a breast exam

Time killed: 5 minutes (Varies depending on how thorough you are)

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* When nobody is watching, pour some water on the floor near the receptionist and shout, “Watch your step, there is a puddle of water here.”  Then watch the show as all pregnant women run to the bathroom to check if their water broke

Time killed: 3 minutes

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* See if you can get hold of two speculums.  (If you don’t know what a speculum is, you will find out when a doctor tries to expand a crevice in your body).  Use the two speculums as ducks to put on an impromptu duck puppet show.

ducks.jpg

Time killed: 15-30 minutes, depending on the size of audience

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* Go into men’s bathroom and call the reception on your cellphone and complain angrily that they are out of tampons in men’s bathroom.

Time killed: 5 minutes.  (30 minutes if they call security)

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* Go to the sign-in sheet and enter the name, “Aineed Tupee” in there.  Wait for the nurse to come out a few minutes later and shout,

“Aineed Tupee … AINEED TUPEE”

Time killed: 1 minute

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* Every gynecologist’s waiting room has a huge chart describing all available forms of contraceptives for women.  The charts even have professionally photographed pictures (No, not of women wearing them!).  Go to that chart.  Look at each contraceptive and “expand” it into something else.  For example, take IUD (Copper T):

iud.jpg

You can turn it into:

copper-t-rex.jpg

Time killed: 20 minutes (1+ hours if you pack paints and stuff beforehand)

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* Did you notice every gynecologist’s waiting room has humongous posters of “Female Reproductive System”?  Something like this:

femalerepro.jpg

I may not be able to crack the mystery that puzzled mankind since the beginning of time.  Why do they hang it on the walls there?  But I can tell you that, with a dextrous finger, you can use the diagram to perfect your technique.

Time killed: Limited only by your imagination (0 minutes if children are present)