In the “good manners” books, they spend chapters upon chapters on such details as which hand to hold the fork with and which finger to pick the nose with. But they don’t spare a word for public restroom etiquette. Which forces me to pass on a few etiquette requests to my colleagues and other people I had the misfortune of sharing a restroom with.
1. When you are in the restroom, I implore you to keep oral communication at a minimum. In other words, shut the f up. We are not having a communal, joyous experience here. Just finish your job and get out.
2. Do you know what’s worse than #1? Turning your head and looking at the guy you are talking to. It’s creepy. Don’t do it. Just pretend there is something very interesting going on in your bowl and focus on it.
3. Do you know what’s worse than #2? Talking from inside the stall. I don’t really need to associate you with all the reverberating sound-effects.
4. As you know, urinals come in two sizes. Tall and short. For some reason short guys insist on choosing the tall one, even if they have to stand up on their toes to reach it. So, please, let the tall guy behind you have the tall one.
5. When somebody is waiting for your to finish, please take as much time as you need to finish your job and dress yourself properly, including zipping up completely before you turn around from the urinal. I am speaking for the entire male and most of female community when I say, nobody wants to see your underpants.
6. It really doesn’t concern me but I have to say this. Please don’t set your drinks on the urinal! Can’t you leave them at your desk or on the sink? And it is just plain gross to sip your drink while urinating.
7. If the restroom has more than one urinal, it is customary to leave at least one urinal between you and any other fellow users. But don’t go out of your way to leave more than one gap. You will look too secretive and raise suspicion.
8. Some restrooms are cursed with attached showers. I understand that you have to wait for the shower when somebody is using it. But that does not give you the right to bare yourself in full-frontal, thereby permanently scarring the retinas of unsuspecting restroom users. Please, for the love of all straight Greek gods, wear a towel or something.
9. It must be one of those unsolved medical mysteries, why some people’s Salivary glands lunge into production precisely when they are at the urinal. Whatever the reason may be, spitting while urinating is disgusting. Further more, you are challenging yourself to hit a single target from two different sources, thereby defocussing yourself and increasing the chances of inaccuracy in your delivery. Remember that the subsequent users of the urinal must suffer the results of your failure to hit the target.
10. Do you really have to check news on your phone when peeing, performing a fine balancing act with both hands, where any slight slippage of either hand could be very expensive? Let me break it to you. Unless you have superpowers to make news happen faster by peeing, nothing is going to change in those 2 minutes.
11. Any bodily contact with another person, such has hand-shakes or shoulder-touches, while in restroom, must be avoided at all costs. Should such contact be unavoidable, it must be restricted to the “green zones.” The following picture depicts a normal path traversed by ordinary urinators. Green and hazard zones are marked.
You spoke for the suffering silent millions there!!
I believe most of these “ugh” things are prevalent world-wide.
No: 5… its scary as well …
Good points.. looks like you’ve been thru a lot in the restroom .. no pun intended
Simply hilarious and so real too!
I think you can add one thing here. I have seen this with hubby and my son, they both kind of scratch their bums when at it
(I hope hubby never reads that I’ve written this here
)
Wo!!
lol, P posts are fun.
Excellent. Have you come across someone who takes the middle urinal in a place with 3 urinals, even though the other two are empty? That is a checkmate move.
you are something else! only you can come up with a hilarious, complete with pictorials – how could any man do wrong after reading this?!!
#8 should be extended to gyms and swimming pool pre/post shower rooms… every time I go in there I suffer from disorientation, shortness of breath, and further more utterly unnecessary images in my head flashing at the most unexpected times causing distress and further halucination/disorientation.
bottom line: male pornographic moments should be restricted to one’s own home and/or absolutely private locations/rooms only.
awesome post!
heehhe lol
Fantastic Post
This is fantastic. I would appreciate if this becomes a part of any etiquette course
. Liked the way it is written. Simply hilarious.
LMAO! As always freaking hilarious..!
Hehe, nice!
http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/urinal
So.. this post must have had a big warning, Strictly for Guys :–D
You must be really terribly free, attaching pictures for this simply too much post…have heard of a lot do’s and don’t for restrooms…but this one leaves me with a huge grin…
great one
Lol! Post with graphic explanations and all! I’m glad women have fewer such issues
And I dint know tat urinals came in different sizes too.On second thots, how will I? I dont really peek!
Nice Graphics…
Thanks
based on point # 2…
there were 2 adjacent booths in my hostel,
On one it was written “Baju mein mat dekhna”
On the adjacent one, it was written, “aakhir dekh hi liya na m@$&^0d”
Almost everyone visiting the restroom came out laughing.
The toilet sketches are hilarious!! I would also add ‘not farting loudly while you are inside a stall’ to you list.
..and there are ones who open/close door with wet hands and makes me wonder was that really water or… B-(
UGH!!!
different heights? really!!!
ROTFL! Worth every millisecond the long wait! You have surpassed yourself!
I remember seeing a restroom ettiquette software. There are some 5 urinals and you there are people using some. You need to pick the correct one to use. Much like your (7).
And the illustrations are excellent!
somebody is practicing their new skills no?
well done!
LoL.. toooo good! Was laughing like hell..
Coincidentally my latest post also is on restrooms
http://deeyendee.blogspot.com/2008/03/open-source.html
@Bombay Addict:
“Check mate” move.. LoL..
Here’s my 2 cents.
In #11, you mentioned about the hazard zone. Taps on the wash basin are highly hazardous unless they are activated/deactivated by sensors. If not then even after washing you hands with all the liquid soap, you still have to touch the tap to shut it off, thereby taking the hazard with you.
Suggestion : Use only one hand while peeing, open/shut the tap with the other hand while washing.
As always..hillarious post! You should do it more often..;)
Sanjay.
TD,
I can feel your angst coming out in waves from your page! You poor, long suffering soul! I vote we print this off and post on every urinal door! what say?
I’ve always wondered what goes on behind those closed doors – now I know it all!
Bombay Addict: I believe the term is stalemate
Hilarious! Thank god us women have closed loos huh!!
Srini:
You spoke for the suffering silent millions there!!
Yes, the self appointed leader of restroom sufferers
Vijay:
looks like you’ve been thru a lot in the restroom .. no pun intended
Lol. Yes, I put up with a lot of crap
~nm:
they both kind of scratch their bums when at it
lol. I haven’t seen people doing it public restrooms, not that I am carefully taking count of who is scratching their bums
I hope hubby never reads that I’ve written this here
I am going to find hm and pass this on
How Do we know:
Wo!!
I will assume you were about to say “wow” and pat myself on the back on your behalf
radhika:
lol, P posts are fun.
Thanks for getting the title
Bombay Addict:
That is a checkmate move.
ROFL!
kodi’s mom:
how could any man do wrong after reading this
Because they are men?
arun:
male pornographic moments should be restricted to one’s own home and/or absolutely private locations/rooms only.
No, no. Bad image. Bad image. I don’t even want to know where they restrict their pron moments to
awesome post!
Thank you
La Vida Loca:
somebody is practicing their new skills no?
You got it
well done!
Oh, long way to go. But thanks for the kind words
Hawkeye:
Fantastic Post
honored
Na.Su.Krishnan:
I would appreciate if this becomes a part of any etiquette course
The only problem is, men don’t read any etiquette books
Liked the way it is written. Simply hilarious.
Thanks you!
hideindisguise:
LMAO! As always freaking hilarious..!
Thank you the disguised one. I didn’t know who you were for a minute. lol.
Nitin:
http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/urinal
That is a hilarious one. I remember seeing it a long time ago.
SK:
So.. this post must have had a big warning, Strictly for Guys
I thought girls are always curious to know what goes on behind those closed doors
prats:
You must be really terribly free
Haha. Au contraire, no time to breathe. This is my excuse to take time off from the things I really need to do
great one
Thank you
Pointblank:
I’m glad women have fewer such issues
Really? I expected them to have more issues.. you know for obvious reasons (I will leave it up to you what those obvious reasons are)
And I dint know tat urinals came in different sizes too.On second thots, how will I? I dont really peek!
I know exactly how women’s bathrooms look. I didn’t peek. I accidentally walked in, fortunately it was empty
Kuriako:
Given my drawing skills (or thilack thereof), it took a lot of effort 
Nice Graphics…
Thank you
Jeff Murdock:
there were 2 adjacent booths in my hostel,
Haha, nice piece of bathroom humor. They are always so funny and give us something to do
Chakli:
The toilet sketches are hilarious!!
Thank you
I would also add ‘not farting loudly while you are inside a stall’ to you list.
Hmm… we can’t. It’s their gas. We will be hindering their freedom of expression.
Stone:
..and there are ones who open/close door with wet hands and makes me wonder was that really water or… B-(
haha. You are right! Don’t spoil my mental peace by raise doubts as to the chemical composition of the moisture on the door handle.
thinking aloud:
different heights? really!!!
Yes, men do come in different heights. Oh you mean, urinals? They too
Ok:
ROTFL! Worth every millisecond the long wait! You have surpassed yourself!
Thanks man
I remember seeing a restroom ettiquette software.
See Nitin’s link above
And the illustrations are excellent!
I am learning to draw these days. I will be subjecting you to these things more
King Vishy:
LoL.. toooo good! Was laughing like hell..
Glad you liked it.
ntp9704:
ROFL. You wrote a thesis on this issue! Good one.
Sanjay:
As always..hillarious post! You should do it more often.
Haha. Yes, yes. Got your subtle hint that I need to get off my lazy ass
desigirl:
I vote we print this off and post on every urinal door!
Lol. The only problem is, men don’t read anything off the bathroom wall unless it has some dirty pictures on it
Mala:
I’ve always wondered what goes on behind those closed doors – now I know it all!
He he. Actually the best part in men’s bathrooms is the bathroom graffiti
randomwalker:
Bombay Addict: I believe the term is stalemate
Lol. Either way, any next person who comes in screwed
gooddaysunshine:
Hilarious! Thank god us women have closed loos huh!!
Ya! We demand equal rights and closed bathrooms!
This is simply brilliant!!! You must market this by publishing pamphlets and educating the ‘illiterate’ souls!!!
This post reminds me of another blogger’s posts on symbolical gyan. Here, have a look.
[http://krishashok.wordpress.com/2008/02/04/symbolically-speaking/]
Just going by the pictures, i thought you had something to say about the water fountains.
Disturbing thought, that.
lol, first time here, you give really good advice
Sense and Sensibility. Kool hai.
Hey Twisted, funny stuff as always. Excellent diagrams.
I’ll have to disagree with Chakli. Farting in the men’s room should be encouraged. Better there than in the outside world. Also, the number of “Non Hand Washers” out there is totally disgusting.
And finally, I’m a tall guy, but prefer the short urinal. Porcelain is cold ya know.
dude,
Dave Barry called. He wants all his jokes back.
dude… dude… dude…
i’m kinda new to this… this post was awesome… this related so well to my test blog.. u should check it out sometime….
I SO relate to that. We need more people like you to write on things like this.
AND WASH THE DARN HANDS!!!!
hey T-DNA, been a long time,since I had good laugh.. hopefully, I will have the energy to explore your next post for more humour;) Have a good day!
hehehehe!
Kya baat! waow!
How are you TD? Good!
Was thinking where hav eu been and see I got to see this post
thanks for the laughs;
This is absolutely wonderful.
I am simply amazed the way you have presented a very delicate yet very important thing…
I wonder if any one could have done it better.
I absolutely agree with everything, and have been a silent spectator to few of the instances…
And if this is a guide for ne of my fellow hostellers, you have certainly missed the first point which goes:
0. Wash your hands after the divine act.
Gross but true!!
Regarding 5. It is even worse to look at those parts of other guys anatomy.
Hilarious! Can’t decide which is funnier, the pictures or your list! Should be put up in every restroom.
That was one awesome post… and amazing pictures…
Looks like u’ve been thru a lot to have been so meticulous in ur post…
Hey! There is another biohazard area that u may have missed….urinal to person (without washing hands). But this one is hilarious.
hahah!
god..these need to be printed and published in every urinal!
lmao on “…for the love of all straight Greek gods” [i doubt if there are any
]
# 6 is quite an usual sighting at the girls restrooms in clubs/pubs. More than one drunk women using the same stall should be BANNED! *YUCKS
Hahaha nice one man… simple language.. great illustrations…
Quite insightful and enlightening, however pretty unhelpful for women. I could so picture a post very similar to this (of course with totally different tips on etiquette [I spelled that right at the first shot...yay!]) in my head for women. Is that cheating?
I can tell you this though…ladies bathroom is a whole different ball game. Although, I agree with the whole talking part in the restroom. I just don’t get it…socializing in restrooms makes me so uncomfortable!
LOL….the things that happen in men’s restrooms; we’re blissfully unaware of!
Love the diagrams. Very umm, visual
I’m so glad I’m a woman!!!!
good job
NOW I figure why that photograph (if I may call it that) is so familiar! It’s that guy from MAD isn’t it?
Ooh yes, the diagrams, the descriptive diagrams are great. They ought to printed and posted in all public toilets. Not that it affects me. Hell. Being a girl, the biggest worry however, apart from toilet propriety is catching a disease when you use the toilet. And Where To Keep The Bag.
School restrooms have been known to double up as photo studios too.
I think this calls for a post on toilets. And don’t worry, I’ll advertise your blog. For free. That’s the 11th rule that you should have written. “Write a damn good blog post. Other people will feel inclined to post something about it and would invariably end up mentioning your blog. A link too, maybe.”
I believe Dave Barry wrote an article about this
Very funny stuff, but your illustrations make it funnier…
What impeccable research! What wonderful clarity of illustration. Positively thesis material:)
LoL… One funny and informative post…
Haha. This is hilarious. Can I blogroll you if you don’t mind.
Haha. This is hilarious. Can I blogroll you if you don’t mind.
Haha. This is hilarious. Can I blogroll you if you don’t mind.
Outright hilarious!!! LOL
wow! looks like you have done quite some research in the toilet department
nice tips
funny, i wrote a similar post few days back…!!
http://spectatorspeaks.blogspot.com/2008/03/hitchhikers-guide-to-urinal_09.html
Amazing man! What a brilliant, funny and important post. People the world over need to read this and follow the tenets
Wow! It seems that you have had to endure quite a lot in restrooms…
] Sorry abt that! 
Btw, useful post. However, I’m afraid to fwd the URL lest I should end up infuriating some of my friends [by suggesting a lack of etiquette on their part...
Looks like you have taken this idea ( or lets say grandly borrowed ) from Dave Barry’s guide to the guys …
hahaha!!
im sure u must have embarassed many guys with this post…
next time they use the restroom they’l make sure that YOU ARE NOT AROUND! :p
cos i guess such ppl NEVER learn
That’s a master piece
MUCH needed guide!! our office is really small with just one unisex loo! i got so sick of wet seats and dirty floors that i wrote a really scathing notice to put up!
even that didnt help!! maybe this will!!
cheers!
I dont think i could have got a better understanding of so many aspects of the M restroom. Hilarious to the core and very well presented
This is really cool. Perhaps we should make it a hand out and give it to HR so it will be distributed to every employee and new joinees during Induction. Seriously, I have faced so many talkings during peeings I feel disgusted to lose focus. It goes Talk … pee… talk … pee…!
ur sketches are simply cool!
and it also gave me a peek into the men;s rest room lol!
Hi,
Been reading your blog for a while, I’d written something similar on mine. Hope you give it a read… comments are welcome
http://dorkster2000.blogspot.com/2006/11/men-and-their-anti-social-behaviors.html
my first time on your blog. Quite liked your stuff and look forward to more of them.
coming to office loos, it might be a coincidence but my phone inevitably rings when I am there
Hi, This is the first time I went through your blog. Needless to say I laughed for a long time.