Dear Bolly
Published February 4th, 2008Everybody has problems. When people have problems they struggle through them and finally find a solution. But if you are too lazy to solve your own problems, there is a plethora of agony aunts who offer perfectly middle-of-the-road, utterly politically correct and hence completely useless advice. However, to rival the Dear Abbys and Dear Margos of the world, there is a new star in the advice column scene. It is none other than our own Bollywood! Who better can advise people than Bollywood with decades of experience in life’s problems.
I have been fortunate enough to obtain the first set of the questions and answers from the brand new advice column, “Dear Bolly!”
Question:
Dear Bolly, I am a proud grandmother of a handsome boy who is now living in the city. I want him to come back to our village and fall in love with this girl. But he refuses. How do I get him to come back to the village?
Answer:
A simple telegram that says “Grandmother serious. Start immediately.” will do the trick. When he comes back expresses shock upon finding you in the pink of health, let out a hallow guffaw and tell him “I will not die until I play with my great-grand children.” The girl you mentioned will take care of falling in love part, with brass innuendos and slutty songs.
Question:
Dear Bolly, I would like to disguise myself. Any suggestions?
Answer:
A completely unrecognizable disguise can be worn by simply wearing black sunglasses and a slightly different hairstyle. Not even your mom will be able to recognize you. But be warned! Lowering the glasses on to the nose and looking over them and winking has been proven to let your girlfriend identify you immediately.
Question:
Dear Bolly, Urgent! A snake bit my girlfriend. What do I do now?
Answer:
Fret not. Snakes can not only inject venom into human bodies, but they can suck the venom out as well, just like sucking juice out of a juice box. The trick is to make a compelling argument to the snake to take the venom back. This can be achieved by climbing up on a hill and singling a melancholy filled song. When you sing the song, the snake has two options to make you stop singing. It can bite you and take you down. Or it can take the venom back from your girlfriend. Stay as far away from your girlfriend as possible, because, then the snake would take the quickest way to put an end to your song and suck the venom back.
Question:
Dear Bolly, My girlfriend is in a girls-only hostel. I want to get into the hostel and meet her. How can I do that?
Answer:
One of the original intentions of burqa is to help men get into women’s hostels. Do not worry if you are a 6-footer or have hairy legs and hands showing through the burqa. Nobody will notice it. Strategically placed balloons (sold separately) are known to enhance the effect.
Question:
Dear Bolly, I am a pretty girl and a sister to a handsome, hero-like, guy. Astrologically, what birthstone should I be wearing to get married soon?
Answer:
It doesn’t matter what birthstone you wear, you will soon be raped. The rapist will refuse to marry you until your brother makes him see the error in his ways, by beating him into a pulp. So the answer to your question is, you will be married soon. So be happy.
Question:
Dear Bolly, my car stopped all of a sudden on a rural road. How do I fix it?
Answer:
There is only one solution any kind of car problem. Pour water in the radiator. Grab the empty can from the trunk, which never fails to be present, and walk in a random direction until you chance up on a lake and a pretty girl taking water from it.
Question:
Dear Bolly, I just had a serious accident and am unconscious. Will I recover?
Answer:
People seldom die from accidents. No matter how you are hurt or what bones are broken, what you immediately need is an operation. The doctor will tell your family exactly how much the operation will cost, which, in most cases, is 1 lakh (100,000) rupees. Don’t worry. Stay peacefully unconscious. You will soon wake up with a bandage to your head and rest of the body unscathed. Please remember that it is good etiquette to ask, “Where am I” upon waking up.
Question:
Dear Bolly, I am a pretty and young girl. What is the proper way of taking a shower?
Answer:
Even in utmost privacy, girls must wrap their torso in a sari or towel while taking a shower and soap only uncovered parts.
Question:
Dear Bolly, I am poor but for a brief period I need to make people believe that I am rich. How do I do that?
Answer:
The key to your success lies in obtaining the right kind of a glittery, slivery long coat that has the right mix of garishness and cheapness. Which should be topped by an equally appalling hat. Other accoutrements include shiny shirts, crocodile shoes and large glasses. A possible source of such costume would be Las Vegas pimps. Speak in a weird “foreign” accent. Carry two suitcases and tell people that the suitcases are full of gold. That’s it. Everybody in the world will believe that you are extremely affluent.
Question:
Dear Bolly, I am a five year old boy and talk like a 16 year old. I want a baby brother or sister. How do I get one?
Answer:
I am sorry that you are slow in development. 5 year old boys should be talking like 19 year olds. In any case, you might try an advanced technique to achieve your means. You start by asking your mom and dad to kiss you on either cheek. While their faces are in forward motion, with lips extended like suction cups, you slide your head out of the way. Completely oblivious of this change, your parents will continue the forward motion like two brain-dead zombies, to meet in the middle, causing a kiss to happen. A kiss on the lips is known to spontaneously produce a baby.
68 Responses to “Dear Bolly”
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DNA,
What can I say other than Dumb A.. and as long as we have ppl’ asking such queries and ther are ppl’ who reply to become popular.
Oh absolutely agree with the car breakdown answer…lol…always happens doesnt it…directors pls think of something different…
Btw super blogs…continue the good work…
Totally HIL-ARIOUS!
Are you serious.. is there a “Dear Bolly!” thing really?!
:D
The snake bit my girlfriend one is hilarious! Very Bollywoodesque. But seriously tho, is this column for real?
Loved it!
Hilarious!!
LOL! LOL! LOL! Your blog is laugh-riot. Its even funnier than most of the Bollywood movies. I went back n read a lotta ur older posts. Made very interesting reads. Thanks for the entertainment Bolly!
There is one more solution to the car problems, which applies only if you are a beautiful girl. You are bound to find a mechanic (read hero) coming up from either side, who will fix your car (even though he is travelling on a bicycle himself) or you you a lift/tow your car. There is a high chance you will be so impressed with his car-fixing abilities, that you two will ride together in the sunset.
But if you are a sister to a hero-type man, your best bet is to get as far as possible from the car, while remaining hidden. There is a high chance that the next car coming around is a open-top Jeep full of rowdies.
Great article, btw…:D
Dear Bolly, I am a slightly studious college going guy with an irritating, fixed smile and a good boy clean shaven looks. How do I, magically, find the girl of my dreams?
The key is to go the library you spend all your time in, and look through a whole lot of random books upon a random shelf. Soon enough, across the shelf you will find Her. Also looking through books. Her chunni will get stuck between a couple of books. Or else she will catch sight of you too, across the shelf while taking out the exact book she wanted and which was between the two of you. That will be all!
Lol. I loved the list.
ah! truly fantastic… was planning of something similar on my blog, but will chuck the idea now. Will come up with something else for my ‘baba bangali’ column….
this post proolly summarizes all the movies in teh 90’s
You forgot to mention that in the dire situations when you are about to be beaten to pulp by a bunch of goons, a “dil-se” song to God can bring various extra-terrestrial forces and suddenly make you kick ass like Asterix on his magic potion. Heh… any guesses about the magic potion itself?
Sorry, the plain-speak one was meant to be for this post
Good one!
pria:
Ya, you should read Dear Abby, it’s really funny
Vivek:
directors pls think of something different…
What! You are questioning the wisdom of Bollywood directors?
Btw super blogs…continue the good work…
Thanks
Veens:
Are you serious.. is there a “Dear Bolly!” thing really?!
Of course! Did I ever lie!?
MsCutePants:
But seriously tho, is this column for real?
Nah, I made it up just like I make up everything else
Caramel:
Loved it!
Thank you!
Aparna:
Hilarious!!
Thank you ma’am.
Pointblank:
Its even funnier than most of the Bollywood movies.
You are not setting the bar very high you know
I went back n read a lotta ur older posts.
I salute your patience
Thanks for the entertainment Bolly!
Lol
Fleiger:
(even though he is travelling on a bicycle himself)
ROFL! So true!
There is a high chance that the next car coming around is a open-top Jeep full of rowdies.
Hahaha! Of course they will all be drinking that vile drink called beer and which make them all ready for raping somebody
Nishant:
Her chunni will get stuck between a couple of books.
Wow, dude you are bringing nuances into the scene! Watch out or you will be enlisted to direct a movie soon
maxdavinci:
ah! truly fantastic… was planning of something similar on my blog, but will chuck the idea now. Will come up with something else for my ‘baba bangali’ column….
Oh, please do! I am sure you can make better list!
this post proolly summarizes all the movies in teh 90’s
That is when I used to watch Bollywood movies, when I was in India.
You hit the nail on the head
Sudipta Chatterjee:
You forgot to mention that in the dire situations when you are about to be beaten to pulp by a bunch of goons
You may be mixing metaphors here. Aren’t the extra-terrestrials, snakes, dogs etc. are reserved for situations where villain is raping the heroine or hero is dying of some mysterious decease?
Heh… any guesses about the magic potion itself?
Hmm, no! Enlighten us please
DivSu:
Good one!
Sorry, the plain-speak one was meant to be for this post
I will accept comments anyway you post them
Hilarious! Esp. The young-girl-taking-shower part. I wonder what a `Dear Kerala-Movie` column will look like ????
LOL! hilarious!! i have one, i have on *raises hand excitedly like Monica in that episode from FRIENDS*
“If you are a sister of the hero and you faint during a family function , fear not. you are definitely pregnant. and the doctor take your pulse and announce the news with a grave face to the entire family who has assembled in the room.”
Hilarious!!!
Had loads of fun reading all your blogs. Keep posting.
hahaha.. all i can say is Hilarious… it is a trip back to all the bolywood movies I ever watched,.. Also reminds me of my American friend.. She was recounting her trip to India when she saw a dance performance by some guys at an Indian Firm she was visiting. “The girls were all cheering… I so wanted to tell them, he is not your type, he is so gay!! “. I have promised her to watch an Indian movie with her.. that should be quite a shock
Hillarious, like everyone else is saying. (psst.. are you by any chance trying to endorse Hillary by posting funny stuff and getting people to say its hillarious? Then i am saying Obamious!)
)
very entertaining post dna! thank you.
LOL ur too funny DNA! Glad to find u still blogging and doing so great, as usual!
Keshi.
golly!! you just summed up all the scripts ever written in bollywood..how could you kill the suspense like that
recently stumbled upon your blog - 2 days back - and i havent visited another blog since then…coz there plenty to read and laugh over in your archives!!love it!
And then Bollywood has slowly crawled in here I see, but how???
Man!! that was one brilliant analysis, esp the
**Dear Bolly, I am a pretty and young girl. What is the proper way of taking a shower?
You have watched the movies thoroughly I can see lol….
great time I had reading here
Just went thru’ and wat can I say:)
Zsycho….. ist…… or trist…….
Let me make it Q N A too….
Wow, this Bolly is so knowledgeable!
Or… or… is someone a bit schizophrenic??
Lol. This was a hilarious one!! Takes a serious Bollywood movie buff to study, analyse and document such stuff. Loved the ‘i want a baby brother or sister’ one. That scene is always soooo dumb!!
:D Just hilarious! I knwo it happens in Bolly all the time! You have written it exactly as it happens in our movies
Too good!
the list had me in splits
it sure does apply to most 90’s kollywood movies too!
A total laugh riot.
Here’s one you missed..
Dear Bolly,
I hate my rival I plan to burn down his ancestral home - what do you think?
BurningThots
Dear BT,
Well not good at all since your idea is bound to backFIRE.
To start with as soon as you set the house aflame the heeroine let’s call her damsel-in-distress or DID for short will be trapped by the flames in particular by two strategically placed burning embers…
Also the grandson - the dearly beloved grandson and apple-in the eye of the said DID’s stern grandfather will also be trapped in the same house. The grandson is the DID’s elder pious widowed sister’s son BTW.
Our erstwhile hero your esteemed rival my bechaara boy will instead of dialling 911 - run into the house and rescuse aforementioned DID and just as he hands over DID to bystanders with suitablly soot blackened faces and flick off his burning jacket with total disdain one will hear the wail of the baby…
Our hero is off again on rescue mission 2. Before he returns with the green goblin ..err I mean baby you will be struck by terrible remorse and you along with the entire cast and crew (including extras) will sing a song to Ram-Allah-Yesu.
The sky opens up and throws down a deluge. (Noah curses he wasn’t prepared this time around). Hero returns grandson to glycerine-cum-rain soaked granddad. DID runs to hero and stops short within 2 feet summoning the best coy smiles she can…
And you my friend either fall on your knees with melodramatic speeches and hope they forgive you (or else better get yourself a good arson lawyer…)
Good one! You can also have : Dear Tolly Q n A (for all the Rajnikant fun)
the snake bite was superb~~laughing my ass off~~~~~hahahahaha
Not doubting the “wisdomous” directors one bit…
You crackpot!
ekdum sahiie!
Mazaa aya aur humne yeh padka kar usko piya…………………..
Bah! Too cliched. Nowhere close to your best.
-Ok
“with lips extended like suction cups”
Hahaha….I laugh out loud very few times and one of the the few is while I read your blog
Good one as always!!!
Oh, but the kiss doesn’t happen, don’t you remember - kid moves, cackles wickedly and song comes on. Or scene cuts to a close-up of a few flowers swaying in the breeze - nature takes its course, with a big cry/cradle/such associated images announcing the new arrival. My first time commenting here - nice posts!
Wonder how this got linked on Desipundit. Never seen a more mediocre post being linked on DP. You have done better before.
Nice one…bt u missed a famous situation “main tumhare bacche ki maa banne wali hoon”
Dear Twisted, your blog is too too too good yaar. I am feeling very inadequate in my humour after reading your blog. Maybe one reason why I am staying far for sometime, but your pull is always bringing me back. I am not watching the Hindi movies, but still I am finding this post very very funny, I am even el-oh-elling (that means laugh out alouding).
Please to help me, I have my own problems, please to pass onto to Bolly for me.
Dear Bolly, my friends keep insisting I go with them to watch Hindi movies & declare me to be a “spoiled sport” when I don’t. I am young & very pretty (mostly in my head). What should I do?
Regards to you and phool family.
From Indian Girl.
Hilarious man !!
Procrastinx:
Somebody should write it though. It will be quite funny.
I wonder what a `Dear Kerala-Movie` column will look like
Haha! I think the answer would be all too obvious and end in obvious situations, if you know what I mean
Aqua:
*raises hand excitedly like Monica in that episode from FRIENDS*
Lol, I don’t remember that specific episode but I can imagine Monica doing it
If you are a sister of the hero and you faint during a family function
Hey, hey, hey! That was reserved for another blog post
Bharathi:
Had loads of fun reading all your blogs. Keep posting.
Thank you! Glad you liked it.
preethi:
I so wanted to tell them, he is not your type, he is so gay!!
Haha! Right on! I see these “latest fashions” the young Indian guys are wearing these days and all I can think is “that is so gay!” Seriously! Bell-bottom pants!
Suvarna:
are you by any chance trying to endorse Hillary by posting funny stuff and getting people to say its hillarious
Haha. Good one. No matter what people say, Obama is going to steal the election
Keshi:
Ohmigod, Kesh’s here! Glad you see you buddy.
Glad to find u still blogging
You are in the minority
Archie:
how could you kill the suspense like that
Haha, you are right. I should’ve put a spoiler-alert.. Spoiler alert for the entire 90s bollywood movies
love it!
Always, wonderful to hear somebody liked the blog!
prats:
You have watched the movies thoroughly I can see lol
Yes, to quote your words, especially the shower scenes
pria:
Hey pria. I can count on you to like it
Zhu:
Wow, this Bolly is so knowledgeable!
He he he. Yes, decades doing the same plots, these solutions come naturally
Or… or… is someone a bit schizophrenic??
A bit? Show some respect here, I am completely schizophrenic
Priyanka:
That scene is always soooo dumb!!
Ya, and nauseatingly saccharine!
~nm:
You have written it exactly as it happens in our movies
Years of practice in watching movies, you see
Katra:
it sure does apply to most 90’s kollywood movies too!
Yes, but Kollywood and Tollywood have their own nuances. I hope somebody would be kind enough to document them.
Anu:
ROFL. That is so accurate! You should totally blog it and add a few more
By the way, You have instantly won a prize for longest comment ever on this blog
Pallavi:
but I think people are going to hunt me down if I do some other post like this one 
Good one! You can also have : Dear Tolly Q n A (for all the Rajnikant fun)
You can’t believe how much I want to write that
rambhai:
Hey, thank you for being so kind to read even the older posts and give me feedback. Thank you.
OrangeJammies:
You crackpot!
Lol, you found out just now?
wildflower:
ekdum sahiie!
Yes, Bolly is never wrong
deepthi:
Mazaa aya aur humne yeh padka kar usko piya…………………..
Sounds like a song. You know, actually Dear Bolly really existed, she would probably sing every answer back
Ok:
Too cliched
Well, documenting the cliche is the purpose of the post you know
Sravya:
Good one as always!!!
Thank you ma’am!
sra:
Nobody ever kisses in Bollywood movies 
but the kiss doesn’t happen, don’t you remember
Yes! You are so right! What was I thinking
Glad you liked the blog
Ray:
Mediocrity is subjective you know
Vibhash:
main tumhare bacche ki maa banne wali hoon
LOL.. Ya, that’s the classic one. Couldn’t figure out how to fit that one in
Melody:
your blog is too too too good yaar
Mel, you are too kind.
Dear Bolly, my friends keep insisting I go with them to watch Hindi movies & declare me to be a “spoiled sport” when I don’t. I am young & very pretty (mostly in my head). What should I do?
Dear Indian Girl, when friends invite you to movies you should go. What happens if you don’t go is, the power will go out when you are alone in the house. You will quickly change into a white sari and run out and it will promptly rain. You will have to scream in a very shrill voice and all that. Why all this trouble? Just go to the movies
sidharth:
Hilarious man !!
Thank you
Wow, that was fun.. i always wondered about these columns and some of the queries that pour in are utterly butterly ridiculous….
Fun reading… came by after a while…
:)
hehehehehhe there is tag for uuuuuuu
Hillarious stuff!
you should have a disclaimer that people shouldn’t read your blog while eating or drinking something. I almost choked on my lunch reading through the blog. I was surprised you missed one bolly!
Dear Bolly, I have only one bullet in a 1930 revolver, and the enemies have AK47s looking guns and they are shooting and missing me eventhough I am only 10 feet away, how do I get rid of them.
Dear Hero, just look around and you will find a Gasoline filled tanker, all you have to do is just shoot in some random direction, the bullet will take a gasoline-seeking characterisitc and hit the tank. All the enemies will be flying around in the big blast in the background while you walk away from that place.
Hillarious stuff.
Sanjay.
You know what else you forgot?
You can always tell if someone is pregnant. They throw up in the bushes.
Funny, funny post! =D
heh..heh… that’s a true bollywood ishtyle for you…:)
Well, Hello Bolly.
I’m not really a Bollywood fan. I’ve only really liked a handful of movies there… And yet, I have seen more than enough to see that your ‘Ask Bolly’ feature would have made a big hit.
The cliche I like best is the family reunion bit… When a family scatters in the beginning of the movie with some random piece of junk… which ultimately bonds them at the end of the movie… Of course, this RP of J would be accompanied by a nostalgic song as well..
There was a parody of this which came on TV…
The dad was taking a bath with Hamam soap. The wife was lathering the soap for him… The elder brother took the top of the soap box, and the younger one ran off with the bottom half…
Towards the end of this spoof… the elder brother and younger brother comes together, pieces the box together… and hugs…
The mother then comes in with her piece of soap. She starts crying and telling how she held on to that bar of soap hoping for such a miracle…
Then comes the father. He lifts off his shirt and says “I’ve been keeping the lather safe… Never washed or wiped myself clean… just so this day would come…”
One thing you have to admit… Bollywood entertains… It may not be the way they intended, but it sure does entertain…
:)
Hahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!
Is it ok to spread ur blog around..blog roll u???
Hope there are no Bolly clauses for that????
dear bolly,
when r u going to meet farah khan?
for a remake of the biggest bollywood remake ever?
this is freaking awesome! rotflmao!!!
-sp
hi i liked this one very much. can i take it as a tag and give my own answers with your permission.. do hop down to my blog in your free time. this made me laff, wud come here pretty often
Please o please include some Bolly-esque question that would very appropriately place Jodha Akbar in the list of very many movies that you have dissected. Sincere request
Dear DNA,
I find myself addicted to blogs and reading posts like this and LMAO one at 4 am. Ne suggestions?
haahahaahah!
Cldnt stop laughing…how the hell did u even think of these questions!!!
Ridiculously funny!
Hey DNA,
Have u gone for a treasure hunt??
Haha, this is by far the funniest take on bollywood masala I’ve read in a long time!
Man! your DNA is seriously twisted….hehehehe
Made me laugh thoroughly…
Last one was really amazing…
“I am poor but for a brief period I need to make people believe that I am rich”
Alternate way is dress white from top to bottom, and wear a “cooker gasket” on head. Refer to brands like “Prestige” etc, Sold by third party partner companies.
This will make you look like an “Arab Sheik”, who is automatically deemed to be rich.
And please make sure you carry a funny accent.
Awesome man.. Your posts are real cool….
Hi twisted came across ur blog and found it really funny. Will be back again for more.pls keep me satisfied.
Wonder how you missed out on the rainy dance sequence as a sure-shot way to seduce a girl!
Btw, hilarious stuff!
a hilarious take on bollywood cinema…cant stop grinning!
good article, i like this