Pregnant Pondering
Published November 14th, 2007Not too long ago, the pregnancy and childbirth process used to be very different. Three months after marriage, women promptly sprouted bumps. Soon thereafter were unceremoniously transferred to respective parents’ house and a few months later they returned with a tumbling child in their arms. Nobody seemed to pay much attention to this process, including their husbands. Rinse and repeat every year.
Things changed a lot of late. It’s socially acceptable and very cute to talk about pregnancy. If a person is my friend or family, I am the best guy to discuss every aspect of pregnancy. But if a person is a colleague, I really wish they are more discrete about what information they divulge and how they divulge it.
If you are my colleague, not a friend:
• You must forgive me for not excitedly participating in the discussion about your wife’s amniotic fluid. Please don’t take it personally. I have nothing against colleagues or amniotic fluid. It’s the combination I am not crazy about.
• If you are a guy, please don’t announce “We are pregnant.” No you are not. She is. You just contributed, hopefully. Say something like “we are expecting”.
• Guess what this is:
A drugged up, half-sleeping, exhausted woman with hair all over her face which is kept in place by sticky sweat, IV fluids and other goo. She is holding a 3 second old child. A lot of tubes hanging around. Worked into this mess is a smiling face of a proud father.
That’s right. This is your very first family photograph, taken moments after your child was born, even before your wife had a chance to cover herself fully. Wonderful. Just go ahead and keep it to yourself. That’s all I ask. Please, for the love of God, don’t email it to everybody at work.
• Sonograms are not cute. They belong in a file in doctor’s office not on your cube wall. And no, that’s not a nose. That’s probably a smudge on the printout.
• I know you are pregnant. I know you have to pass my cube every time you go to the restroom. You don’t have to sheepishly explain to me, “The bladder gets smaller, you know.” I know. But you must believe me that I have more things to do at work than keeping count of your bathroom breaks.
• If you are a guy, don’t come around proudly announcing “I cut the umbilical cord myself.” The whole father cord cutting thing is an artificial tradition to involve the completely useless father in the process of delivery. It’s nothing great. Don’t expect me to atta-boy you as if you pushed a baby out of a 2 inch opening in your body.
• What’s with video taping the birthing process? I know people who went into labor rooms with professional video equipment and lighted the vaginal passage like the inside of Louvre. What do people do with these videos? Watch them on family gettogethers? Play for guests over dinner? Don’t answer it. It’s a rhetorical question. I don’t want to know.
To top it all, yesterday a female colleague of mine tells me, “Oh we are seriously trying for a baby.” Now I am stuck with all kinds of images of how they are trying and in what positions.
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Thank you! You wrote down all my rants about this subject
And I am really surprised your colleague actually told you they were trying. No boundaries?
Erm, You left out “My wife is ovulating right about now, we need to plan for our vacation, soon!!”. Somehow I dont think I need to know a coworker’s wife’s ovulation scheduled, no thank you!
shriman dna:
“Now I am stuck with all kinds of images of how they are trying and in what positions. ”
chhee chhee! what a mind you have, twisted must be your middle name. the only answer is “missionary position”* of course.
- s.b.
*missionary postion = go to ethiopia or some such godless country as missionaries and adopt a baby like, you know, the pitts, the madonnas etc. do (this position might also lead to marvels like immaculate contraception)
you will never improve… be happy they don’t go into details.
Hmmm I think you should pass this piece of advice onto your friend. I got it from a sitcom. You, (by you I dont just mean you. I mean everyboy. o dont taken it personally) cant conceive if they do it with girl on top. The thing is the boys cant fight the force of gravity. Actually made me think a lot about the power of gravity.
Having shared this piece of valuable information I also want to point out one more thing. I dont think women should be allowed to talk about womeny things. Its soo yuck. And unfortunately the only thing a girl wants to talk to you (again same disclaimer) are those things.
hilarious as ever. Thank God, none of my colleagues were pregnant when I was working. My boss had a 3 yr old girl and everytime we called her, we had to had to speak to her girl(to amuse the girl I suppose) which I found very irritating.
you really do make one think.. nope, hopefully, am not guilty of anything you mentioned here, though i did discuss domestic maid travails with another colleague whose wife was due to deliver in the same week..and facing the same issues.. does that make me a criminal?
haha.. thats an interesting post. There is a fren of mine who declined that she was pregnant until she was into her 7th month… i don t know why. Ya, i also agree why some imbeciles take video during painful labour. Probably to scare themselves. Maybe this video more scary than normal horror movies… I find that digusting seriously
I am glad times have changed and daddy is there to cut U chord!! By the way, we need 10cm to pop out a baby and it’s pure joy to see the infant on the video after the fact, not necessarily the gory detalis!!!
My FIL proudly says he went to see a Raj Kumar movie while his wife went thru labor and delivery alone in the hospital. (She suffered a severe depression after that, wonder why!) He came back after he had his dinner to see the baby. I would have beaten him with my old boot!!
Hilarious. Loved the accurate insights laid out so cut and dry. It’s umbilical c[h]ord.
hmm, maybe you shld give this ‘trying’ colleague your ’sex after child (or not)’ flowchart.
** loads of sarcasm!!
You have loads of **we r pregnant** people around you ?
Gosh ! the video Taping part is so true!! and I didn’t know that “the bladder gets smaller”
Chao!
haha.. interesting post…. the video taping i agree, have wondered what they do with it too.. if you ever find out let me know.. just General Knowledge I promise!!! And the umbilical chord… yea what do u think.. its the cutting the ribbon ceremony?? I also had a lot of new dads… talking to me about pregnancy and child birth when i was pregnant…. I was like .. hey you dont know even half of the story.. and no you dint experience a damn thing… leave out the TMI please!!!
Oh dear! I hope I’m not guilty of any one of those. All I am guilty of is dragging my poor hubby to lamaze which ended up being brutal to both if us. And forget video taping the whole process…hubby managed to barely survive the child birth process and later told me that was the most disgusting thing he’d ever witnessed instead of showering me with chocolates and champagne. At the end Epidural saved the day. Too much info???
LOL, nice post and, like someone already said, captures a lot of the peeves that I have with this subject as well.
- “not excitedly participating in the discussion about your wife’s amniotic fluid.” - this is usually after they talk about how many inches she was dilated. Talk about a word painting a thousand pictures.
- “We are pregnant.” - I have heard this phrase too - have also heard the guy saying “we are trying”
Whatever happened to the storks and them landing on the roof? Poor little creatures have gone the way of the dodo. The same guys that say “we are pregnant” must have gone and shot them.
BPSK
And then follows long animated conversations abt how he/she slept in day and played(??) whole night blah blah….and also they proudly send 2000 snaps album of a week old baby!!
Hehehe.
Now I have bigger problems - I have collegues who love to discussing getting pregnant process/ Apparantly there are posiotions that determine the sex of the baby. Suffice it to say, I am off the whole thing.
:)
Don’t be so harsh tdna, the poor things are all excited and u know how it is with new ‘rents!
hahahah..heyy look who’s awake. This is a tell all culture…I guess people will talk
There ! There ! You are not alone . Some women also go through this . You really don’t want colleagues advising you about positions and keeping feet elevated after doing it .Wait till your colleagues have popped out the babies and you will be wishing for amniotic fluid discussions over not pooped / pooped yellow ( I am told looks like paneer bhurji ) / snot ( over lunch mind you !) .BTW enjoy your lunch - and also your bhurji !! muahaha !!!
..not to mention details in GREAT, BRUTAL detail about labour ..( and advise before and after from other colleagues who have had kis) have been so traumatized that am contemplating adopting ..or better still, getting adopted by someone.
And yes, ‘we are pregnant’ is the singlemost inane comment a man can make - the female hurling out her insides in the midst of morning sickness and the husband chomping on pizza next to her states “yes, yes, we are pregnant” ..
Great post!
Dude, you’ve got some seriously weird pregnant women in your office…
And I would break the camera of anyone who tried to record me in the wonderful yet reasonably messy and undignified process of giving birth to a child…
Ha ha ha,
That truly has to be one of the most hilarious (yet true) posts that I ve read in recent times.
The missus regularly shocks and scares me when she says stuff like “You know I was speaking to Parvati about the way we do it and she suggested….”, man, that is disgusting, the fact that women share secrets like that.
I guess your post is an extension of what women do, b coz, I just guess they are like that. You can’t hate them, you can’t love them, what do you do!!! That is life I guess!!!
Cheers………..Jamster
i love you. wonderful! wonderful.
i made a similar rant here;
http://hawkeyeview.blogspot.com/2007/10/pregnant-women-vs-mr-johnson-getting.html
*tight hug* for this post. and goodness, every time i receive one of those labor room photos (A drugged up, half-sleeping, exhausted woman …) I want to smack the idiot who sent it. prolly most of the women don’t know about these emails else the next pic would be of proud smiling father sporting a black eye
To understand what they do with those pregnancy videos, you should watch an episode of FRIENDS where Rachel is supposed to watch the video but Chandler n Monica watch it mistaking it for porn… They dont show the video but their expression speaks millions…
Very funny….. as always. a laugh riot.
Having to empathize ans sympathize takes the cake. Even if I really really hate this woman, just because she has a protrudin belly, I have to be nice and polite to her and what’s worse is when they come around asking for you to ‘get that amazing Brownie you carried at pot lunch last week’. “O I abs loved it, can you get it for me tmrw? This is my last week before I go for my maternity leave you know”. I don’t really know and the Brownie store shut shop lady.
I teach, among others, a class of 5 women. They found it fun to talk about their respective C-section last class, with a lot of details of course. I thought they were gonna pull pictures out of their bags.
I’m a woman and I was grossed out. See?
I still can’t believe it’s apparently acceptable in North America to have not only the father of kid here with you during labor, but also your own parents. That’s plain weird if you ask me.
GG:
I am really surprised your colleague actually told you they were trying
Boundaries! This specific colleague has been very discrete when compared with some other conversations I had!
Altoid:
LOL! Fortunately I have been kept out of the loop on ovulation schedules
some body:
*missionary postion = …
ROFL
I was thinking missionary position is something to do with nuns and all that.. you are ruining my fantasies
Karen:
That’s what most people are saying
you will never improve
Oh thank you for not saying I am getting worse
Ok:
you should pass this piece of advice onto your friend
I heard that advice is true. But passing this advice on is saying, “I am open 24 hours a day to discuss your progress”
Lavs:
everytime we called her, we had to had to speak to her girl
Haha! I know that torture! I was going to do a post on that!
Esha:
does that make me a criminal?
I am sure you are more sensitive than the people I deal with. See, it’s not the information. It’s the “unwanted information.”
lalitha:
until she was into her 7th month…
Haha. That’s a huge thing to keep under wraps
more scary than normal horror movies…
As somebody here was mentioning, the Friends episode speaks volumes.
Asha:
I am glad times have changed
I agree. I am glad times have changed and men are taking more responsibility. That’s all nice. What bothers me is the dissipation of information without thougt.
My FIL proudly says he went to see a Raj Kumar movie…
Haha. I know what you are saying. Things have changed but not much. Most of my friends who are fathers, never changed a diaper. Makes me quite mad.
sanjay:
Thanks for pointing out the mistake. I corrected it.
desigirl:
maybe you shld give this ‘trying’ colleague your ’sex after child (or not)’ flowchart.
vEENs:
You have loads of **we r pregnant** people around you ?
and I didn’t know that “the bladder gets smaller”
Ok, now don’t go blogging that, “some bloggers dole out a lot of unwanted information.”
Preethi:
its the cutting the ribbon ceremony??
That’s exactly how they make it sound like!
I agree some dads make it sound like they carried the baby themselves
Mala:
Lol, you are smart enough to realized when people are not comfortable to talk something.
About your hubby, I know! I know it’s a all supposed to be lovely and all that but it is a little gory. For the the faint of heart
And I do know men who collapsed in the labor rooms!
Epidural is one of the greatest inventions in man kid. Saves the wife some pain and restores husbands sanity
Too much info???
LOL. There’s nothing new in there
BPSK:
Talk about a word painting a thousand pictures.
ROFL
LOL@the storks
Stone:
The talk about babies is totally different post! And boy do I have some nasty stuff to say about that topic!
Sakshi:
If it were true, half the population would be delivering dogs!
posiotions that determine the sex of the baby.
Holy cow! Never heard this
rads:
Don’t be so harsh tdna,
Harsh? I thought I was being polite! Glad I was not trying to be harsh
La Vida Loca:
What do you know! Most people you deal with at work are knocked out on Novocaine
Minka:
you will be wishing for amniotic fluid discussions
LOL. Ya, amniotic fluid definitely wins over yellow poop any day!
I am told looks like paneer bhurji
haha. I’ve grown recalcitrant to such comparisions. In fact, these are the comparisons we used to use back in school to get people to leave food so we could eat it
A Cynic in Wonderland:
or better still, getting adopted by someone.
You are pretty creative
‘we are pregnant’ is the singlemost inane comment …
LOL. You painted an accurate picture
Rohini:
Dude, you’ve got some seriously weird pregnant women in your office…
Haha! What can I say, I am a pregnant babe magnet
And I would break the camera of anyone who tried to record me
Thank you for reassuring that people feel like that. In the US, we are constantly reminded that men are supposed to find it adorable to see a head crown in the vagina.
Jamster:
the fact that women share secrets like that.
Lol. In this case, ignorance is truly a bliss
You can’t hate them, you can’t love them, what do you do!!!
You marry then
I am glad you liked the post.
Hawkeye:
Hey! Nice to see you here.
He he.. nice take with your Poker pun
You are a very punny guy 
Aqua:
I want to smack the idiot who sent it.
What? I thought all girls just coo over such picture! Thanks for proving my view wrong
proud smiling father sporting a black eye
Haha. I agree… some sense need to be smacked back into them!
Born a Libran:
Haha… thanks for reminding the episode. That pretty much sums up the feelings most people have. There was a SNL episode where they play the video to their guests. That was hilarious too
Nidhee:
Thanks bud
Razzmatazz:
can you get it for me tmrw?
No kidding!! That is outrageous. Some women really expect to be put up on a pedestal! It’s sad. Majority of pregnant women in the world don’t get enough nutrition but some women over eat because of their “cravings”!
I don’t really know and the Brownie store shut shop lady.
There is no getting around it
He he he. I am sure you muttered under the breath but showed up with brownies the next day
Zhu:
It’s not a very remote possibility!
I thought they were gonna pull pictures out of their bags.
Be glad that they didn’t
I still can’t believe it’s apparently acceptable …
It grossed me out initially to be in the labor room but I got over that because she needed support. But having more people in there is kind of gross. I heard of stories where whole families sat in the labor room with champagne to celebrate the new family member. That’s sick
Hilarious!! Stumbled on your blog very recently and love it!!
My colleague (manager actually) came back to work from her honeymoon and took off all the time calling in sick for an upset stomach. Kept happening and she was even spotted eating fried cashews!! It irritated all of us completely for it looked like she was shirking work and using sickness as the excuse. To a sarcastic question as to how she was feeling she even went to the extent of saying that she caught a stomach flu from her sister..
Imagine our shock when we came to know she was actually pregnant and was actually embarrassed to tell as it was so soon after her wedding…arranged one at that!! She actually called her baby the stomach flu!!!
But once this became public news she started cribbing about her husband and was blaming him for putting her in this situation…errr didnt she have a part to play as well!!
people tape that?
You wonderfully polite man, remind me never to tell you anything again.
i don’t know what your problem is! you DON’T want to know/see all the personal TMI of your pregnant colleagues??
i’m right there with you! so funny and true — as usual.
ROTFWL!!
aap aur aapka imagining up positions. hey ram! bahut ashleel mijaz hai aapka DNAji…but hell, i bet that folks are still not gonna learn. so here’s wishing you luck for having to live through more such needless, useless and completely gross information. (although i am wondering how much of such info you yourself might have provided over the years???)
:)
ROTFWL!!
aap aur aapka imagining up positions. hey ram! bahut ashleel mijaz hai aapka DNAji…but hell, i bet that folks are still not gonna learn. so here’s wishing you luck for having to live through more such needless, useless and completely gross information. (although i am wondering how much of such info you yourself might have provided over the years???)
:)
phuuh, you are not alone dude, I have two momma’s around me in office who talk all the time about how the size of the tummy is related to the sex of the child and how the nausea is related to what the baby would like to eat and such… sigh!!! We all know its a beautiful thing to happen and all that, but boss why torture everyone with all these talks :-/
we are pregnant?? ROTFL!!!
lol
Its strange, na, how the importance and meaning of certain topics change when it belongs to others …hahahaha
Am glad there are men like you around. Let the feminine mystique remain. And only join in if you would like to take on the labour and the pains that go with it, I say to them over eager beaver fathers. My husband stayed out of the OT, and was handed over parcel of brat, washed of blood and gore and tied neatly. I was presented to the public, washed and tidied. Its an image issue. Thats not what gets the man thinking you’re sexy ever….
el amigo loco .. Lolz
Hahaha..the last one was the best!
That was too funny…loved the ending!!
Hey, Cos of your copyright msg and all, and cos i found your post on getting to the final base so funny, i copied it onto my folder of fav articles etc. just informing you, so tht u dont send out the ‘fuzz after me for violating copyright laws
bumped on ur blog from Preethi’s and love this one.
Intersting post and made me think a lot. Each of those mentioned in ur post is so much true. I am now wondering what guys do with such video tapes.
Should we forget the women who encourage men for such actions?
Office cooler conversations are alright, but Im dreading the day when people start facebooking, youtubing, tweeting, orkut scrapping, liveblogging, podcasting and vidcasting the entire 9 month saga from conception to delivery.
ha ha!
this post made my day.
cheers,
asuph
Just wait till your ‘we’re trying’ and ‘we’re pregnant’ people graduate to baby talk. when you hear the glossary list [mum means water, lili means silly, chheee means pee, etc etc ] you will miss these days!
Entandi chala rojulaindi kanipinchatle…rendu rojulaki okasari oka post padesthe mee sommem poyyindi..hmph!
lolzzz… u had me in splits.. thankfully i haven’t experienced this till now.. so u can have been properly spared!!
U dont know how it felt when a colleague of mine approached me and said it aloud “Congratulations… Neena (name changed) Ma’am just gave birth to a healthily baby!”, she said that out loud enough to have everybody looking at us, must have been very exited and happy, but believe me, I didn’t had no hand in that.
Hey..I have come across blog of a lady where she explains the same 9 month process in detail. Missed the link somehow:(
Between the photo case is unbelieveable!
Lolz, every visit here and I cannot begin to wonder how blessed you are..as far as humor is concerned:)
Professional photography:O:O I wonder how the pregnant woman allows that..If I were her I would smack that camera man’s face:P
And e-mailing a hopsital pic gets me all unnerved..Most of my friends have done that:P
hahahaha… i’ve seen this, heard it from so many ppl.. that now wen someone says they are preg i just shrug it off and dont ask a question.. cos i know an epic tale follows
oh, did u know ppl can plot and plan as to when they get preg so they a particular kinda baby..[i know its a human,pink,crying,screaming,wormy, wooozy one,] i mean u want a boy, u conceive on a part day… blah blah.. shall write abt it on me blog sooooooooooon… its howlarioussss n scary~~~
Hey I heard this ovulating stuff in ‘Friends’, soap in Star world. I just found it weird! and you just said it.
Again, a good article. It’s been long time that I visited your website. Just came to say “Happy New Year”
Haven’t been a regular reader of blogs of late, but thought I’d just wish you a happy new year. Could help laughing helplesly at your posts, each successive one almost better than the previous. I for one, am GLAD you haven’t changed, not one bit.
15 yrs to bring the porn out into the open..? LOL! that must have been some scare ROFL!
And Gawd, you have some awful pregnant people and their relatives around you. LOL ROFL ROTFL at your imagination going riot…! HAPPY NEW YEAR, TDNA!
Shi-i-i-te! And they call themselves adults? Some things are meant for REALLY close friends, or .. erm.. the other soon-to-be-parent. NOT colleagues!
And now I shall shut up. Indian 18-year olds are supposed to believe that “virgin” refers to Mary and children happen “when people are in love”. I am an Indian 18-year old. So gah!
Thanks for sharing
awesome posting man your blogs goes on top of my list~~~this is the funniest it can get ~~~keep posting~~~”i am expecting”
I’d prefer reading in my native language, because my knowledge of your languange is no so well. But it was interesting! Look for some my links:
may be those snaps should be kept private..
Can you belive?
our superstar SRK made statements like these on the Simi Garewal show on TV show ….. and the wife would have felt like begging the Mother Earth to open Her mouth so that she jumped in….
Don’t expect me to atta-boy you as if you pushed a baby out of a 2 inch opening in your body.
- Pure gold. Reminds me a bit of George Carlin. No. He did not push a baby out of a 2 inch opening. I just meant part of his style is similar…
…professional video equipment and lighted the vaginal passage like the inside of Louvre.
- Oh, God. Scratch off the Louvre from the list of places I want to see before I die. I think this sentence just killed it.
Now I am stuck with all kinds of images of how they are trying and in what positions.
- Free in-house porno. Not bad. Of office colleague and hubby. Ouch. Bad.
:D