How my company harassed me
Published October 11th, 2007My regular programming at work was interrupted by an unexpected email from our HR. The email said, in essence, “You must complete a mandatory Sexual Harassment Training.” I felt insulted. I mean, I know how to sexually harass people. I don’t need training.
The online presentation started out promisingly. It showed several scenarios where people were performing sexual harassment. Although, I would say their approach to harassment was tad amateurish. I mean, to harass a female colleague, one doesn’t walk up to her and put a hand around her shoulder. I would do it more subtly. I thought of contacting the HR and offering my skills to prepare a more educational and “hands-on” presentation.
After 10 minutes into the presentation, it suddenly turned tables and started preaching that harassment is wrong. That was when I realized the training was about how not to harass. What is wrong with HR? They want to take every bit of fun out of work! I could see where it was going. I was prepared to hear that “The Comprehensive Vital Statistics Chart of All Female Employees” I was planning to hang on my cube wall was borderline inappropriate.
It turns out anything you do, say or even think at work is inappropriate. And the presentation goes on and on, mostly because they have to find ways to include all ethnic types in the US in the “sample scenarios.” White, Black, Hispanic, Asian and that guy with unrecognizable origin who everybody else is supposed to identify with multiplied by male, female and somebody you can’t tell which.
What was more insulting were the “breaks”. After every 3 minutes, they have this completely retarded quiz with the answer so obvious that you have to be some blond bimbo to miss it. (Apparently saying “blond bimbo” is inappropriate too!) The questions looked as asinine as this:
Q: When you meet a female coworker, what is an appropriate way to greet her?
A) Hug her firmly and gently caress her posterior
B) Drop on all fours and lick her feetC) Look into her eyes and say “Good morning”
D) Jump on her and dry hump her
Really? This is an insult to quizzes worldwide.
And the presentation goes on to tell you that the company wants you to be one of those nerdy, stuck up a-holes who reports everything they see to management. In fact, not reporting a potential issue is a violation of company’s policy. I am going to send reports to HR from tomorrow. “I saw a male person holding his unclothed genitals (hidden from view) for about 30 seconds in a public place.” Also known as peeing in the restroom.
In any case, by the end of the presentation, I was mortally scared to even talk to female coworkers. It is worse with male coworkers, who I can’t even look at. You see, in California, the laws for same-sex advances are much stricter. And how the hell am I supposed to know what is construed as making an advance in the homosexual world! The only way to stay away from sexual harassment is to blindfold and gag myself and wear a straitjacket and hope that it does not remind anybody of some kinky BDSM fantasy.
52 Responses to “How my company harassed me”
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Goldd!!!!… god bless “all-night” coding in the lab
And about the post…. hahahhahahahha!! Say, have you ever tried out the four different options in that quiz?
I remember this senior of mine who came back to visit our undergraduate college just as we were about to leave it for the corporate world. Apparently they had been ogling at the new females they met in their batch during the training session. When the HR came and gave a basic presentation on sexual harassment and they came to know that even staring comes under that definition, they promptly shifted focus to their printouts
HAHAHAHA…how you have put humour in otherwise a serious topic is amazing! I just looooooooooved reading it and was giggling all through out.
I felt insulted. I mean, I know how to sexually harass people. I don’t need training.
Rotfl!
Haha. That’s it. Working from home is now your only option!
So, are women allowed to sexually harass men? This is so sexist! As if women can’t make men uncomfortable. Haven’t they watched “Disclosure”?
Same sex harassment didn’t mention the wide stance issue
Haven’t they read Senator Craig’s defence?
“After every 3 minutes, they have this completely retarded quiz with the answer so obvious that you have to be some blond bimbo to miss it.”
I always wondered if someone did answer every question in those stupid online courses wrong? What will happen then? I was never brave enough to go through it and always changed my answers on the last minute so never had the opportunity to know what happened then…
BTW, It was a hilarious post. Loved reading it, especially when it went..”After 10 minutes into the presentation, it suddenly turned tables and started preaching that harassment is wrong.” Great one…
Wow! Wonderful ! You got to see - several scenarios where people were performing sexual harassment .. Were the fairer sex good
Those orientations so turn me on. And the line between hitting on someone and sexual assault is really thin isn’t it?
tdna - Were there a Jessica and a Bob role-playing?
hehehhehhehh…..
More asinine quizzes to come?
:)..i hope u learnt something! at least the quiz was informative..:)..
I wonder if this harrassment training is some end-of-year quota that HR has to fulfill because my company recently had one too. It came right on the heels of the employee engagement survey, which precedes open enrollment. Sounds like a corporate conspiracy.
BTW, is option B in the multiple choice above inappropriate? I see people do that all the time to my boss.
The correct answer is A, isn’t it?
Very funny post. The previous common taters have highlighted the best lines!
Just had to retake mine. Apparantely training certificates dont cross state boundaries
These training only give you more ideas, like you now know more ways to greet your female co-workers !
lol !
Really funny post !!
:) Excelllent and very informative.
he he he simply hilarious. no wonder these days my male co workers talk to me ver professionally, if this happens what will happen to office romance or finding your life partner at work.
Lol @ the whole post - esp Loved the quiz
Trust HR to give people great ideas!
‘Peeing in the restroom’ description was terrific. How would you describe ‘leering’ then? Wondering…
LOL, another great post.
And be careful you aren’t going tap-tap-tap with your feet when in the restroom! Keep your iPod switched off and tiptoe carefully.
Sudipta Chatterjee :
Say, have you ever tried out the four different options in that quiz?
Who told you this? Do you know anybody in our company?
even staring comes under that definition
LOL. Not just staring. If you go by HR’s definition, even being in the same room comes as harassment!
~nm:
Seeing humor in serious topics is good and bad. I was giggling throughout the presentation myself
Neha:
Nice to see you here! Glad you liked the post.
MsCutePants:
That’s it. Working from home is now your only option!
You are underestimating me. Who says I can’t harass people on phone and email
Broom:
As if women can’t make men uncomfortable.
My point exactly! This is very unfair. Not one woman sexually harassed me until now and I demand I be treated fairly.
Gigi:
I am sure we will see it soon. ‘Our company’s policy is that you keep your hands in your stall when you are in the bathroom” 
Haven’t they read Senator Craig’s defence?
LOL. Fortunately, foot tapping hasn’t made it into the presentation yet
Richa:
I always wondered if someone did answer every question in those stupid online courses wrong?
Lol, I had the same curiosity. I did try to choose the most ridiculous answers. But I was afraid that they might make me take the course again
Loved reading it,
Thanks for letting me know.. can’t get bored of hearing it.
The Pilgrim:
Were the fairer sex good
Haha. They are “average.” You know, the inconspicuous type they hire for these presentations!
Maverick:
The line is so subtle that people can interpret just a handshake as hitting on them. As I said, straight-jacket and blindfold is the only way
And the line between hitting on someone and sexual assault is really thin isn’t it?
Ya, we are not supposed to hitting on people either
rads:
tdna - Were there a Jessica and a Bob role-playing?
Lol. You can assured of that. Bob, Sarah, Chris, John… they are in every presentation.
La Vida Loca:
The company make sure we are regularly entertained!
More asinine quizzes to come?
I am sure
Pallavi:
at least the quiz was informative..
As somebody was saying, now I know more ways to greet women
terri:
I see people do that all the time to my boss.
ROFL! Brilliant one
Alan:
The correct answer is A, isn’t it?
It caught me by surprise too. We get used to option A so much, I didn’t know the right answer is “C” until I took the quiz.
Sakshi:
Apparantely training certificates dont cross state boundaries
Haha! Like drivers licenses… each state has different approved ways to harass
Ravi:
These training only give you more ideas, like you now know more ways to greet your female co-workers ! :
ROFL. I must say I am richer with knowledge now
Ok:
very informative.
Lol. Feel free to use the info as long as you don’t quote me
risha:
no wonder these days my male co workers talk to me ver professionally
No, that’s because they know you have a blog
if this happens what will happen to office romance or finding your life partner at work.
You got it wrong. Sexual harassment doesn’t happen before you find a life-partner. It happens after
Melody:
Very informative presentation. I am a better harasser now.
Trust HR to give people great ideas!
Ya
Kalyan:
How would you describe ‘leering’ then?
I wouldn’t. Why would I describe my own actions to HR
Traveller:
I should keep my iPod switched off then… no wonder I am seeing hands coming from under the stall walls 
Keep your iPod switched off and tiptoe carefully.
Haha. Never thought about that
I’d have picked B) Drop on all fours and like her feet
Do they have any rules for female employees harassing the men? I think they should seeing as how they seem to have included just about everyone else.
By the way, sounds like your HR department has way too much time on their hands.
too good and very true loved this post!
Shantanu
this is a sign my friend…time tpo give up the job and start full time training classes on how to umm.. perform sexual harassment…
U’ll be minting millions
LOL!!! It’s getting out of hand, isn’t it? A kindergarten kid hugs a girl and he or his parents are notified and warned!!:P
that’s funny…there couldn’t be a better time to read this post..as i was reading this, a mail popped in mailbox from our HR saying I need to complete “MANDATORY WORKPLACE HARASSMENT TRAINING”….
hahah!!
I can beleive companies are actually doing sexual harassment training!…i wld have been sitting there laughing throughout!!
Are you serious about the quiz ??? Please, tell me you’re not. Tell me that… or well, nevermind.
As a female teacher, I get my share of jokes about sexual harassment (”what, another teacher had sex with her student ? Zhuuuu!”). Lucky me, I teach adults and they are usually much older than me. But still… what’s wrong in North America, seriously ? In France, we just have sex with everyone and it’s not a problem !
Just kidding about the last bit…
You’re bookmarked and RSS-feeded. I love your humor… thank you for pointing me to your blog on Bloggeries forum !
Hmmm….it would actually be very interesting to watch option D - probably make the work day more bearable.
Too good!
Just stepped on to your blog. Very humorous and relaxing. Liked it.
and i thought u were more weird than the US…
good luck
Omgeesus that was very humerous! Oh wow, way to take a spin on the world, that was priceless. I don’t usually read many blogs, but yours is hilarious! Good job!
dood…this is one real lol stuff…first time here..was pleased to c ur comments on my foto blog..mycliks.blogspot.
thx…will frequent this space..
“Options B and D are the appropriate choices. This will automatically lead to Option A with the girl initiating.”
- the dogs Ginga and Boo
tagged
Amazing…
We have more mandatory trainings like “anti bribery policy” in our company.
I was shocked to learn how “not” to bribe being in India.
-Srikanth
I would think ignoring people would also come under harassment… So what do you do then?
Tooo good!. Very nicely written and very creative!
Got here from Mel’s page!
Agony Aunt :
I’d have picked B) Drop on all fours and like her feet
We are not talking about husbands here
Do they have any rules for female employees harassing the men?
No,but I think they should. They should make it mandatory for females to harass men at least a bit!
Shantanu:
Thanks
chandni:
time tpo give up the job and start full time training classes
Sounds wonderful! One problem though, if I quit work,where will I get practice
Asha:
A kindergarten kid hugs a girl and he or his parents are notified and warned!!
Haha. Totally! Now confess, who did you hug when you were in kindergarten?
pg:
I hope you finished your training and now are a better harasser
ekta:
i wld have been sitting there laughing throughout!!
I took care of that part
Zhu:
Are you serious about the quiz
Lol, not I was not serious. But the quizzes are equally ridiculous!
In France, we just have sex with everyone and it’s not a problem !
ROFL!
Just kidding about the last bit…
Damn, you have to spoil the fun don’t you!
Your new orkut friend:
it would actually be very interesting to watch option D
My coworkers are already avoiding me. Don’t give me any more encouragement
Divsu:
Too good!
Hey there! Thanks.
Sumana:
Nothing serious here… just fun.
relaxing
That is the whole idea
adi:
and i thought u were more weird than the US…
No guesswork needed here. I am.
anisha:
good luck
Lol. No I am not actually going to try any of the things I mentioned
Kathleen McGiveron:
Thank you Kathleen! You made my day.
dakaltiz:
What happened to that phoblog? You went into some kind of hiding!
Hey
mosilager:
the dogs Ginga and Boo
We need to take some lessons from you about option D
itchingtowrite:
tagged
Grrr..
Srikanth:
Born a Libran:
I would think ignoring people would also come under harassment…
Then I can sue the entire workforce of our comapny
So what do you do then?
If a female is being ignore by men, she should make sure she is not invisible (I don’t have any other explanation). If a male is being ignored by women, he should accept the facts of life and live with it.
Arjun Prabhu:
Thank you
you have received an award on my blog.
Please to be collecting
wow..!.. hilarious.. visited your blog after a long time and am glad i did.. first time i was here, i found it so funny, that i went to your archives section and read all your old posts !!..
your writing is brilliant..
Hehehehee
What else.. lufleyyy!!
Thanks for sharing
awesome, great sense of humor, indianised “Jerry SEINFELD” if i may say so..
I’d prefer reading in my native language, because my knowledge of your languange is no so well. But it was interesting! Look for some my links: