Monthly Archive for October, 2007

Best publicity in life is free

A couple of weeks ago, a then friend of mine asked me how he can promote his blog. I gave him some ideas. For the benefit of humanity, I am sharing the tips here.

Here are Twisted DNA’s top 10 inexpensive ways to promote your blog.

10

Write the blog URL on your back and streak across any big game

9
Change work email signature to your Blog URL. Remember that everybody is allowed one accidental email to “Company All”.

8
Prepare posters of your blog URL. Roam around in the mall and find people in wheel chairs. Quietly stick the posters to the back of the wheel chairs. People in the wheel chairs are quite nice and won’t say a word as long as they don’t know you stuck those posters. Free advertisement all day.

7
Go to the airport passenger service and report that your kid is missing. Insist that your kid’s name is your blog URL. For the next few hours, passengers at the airport will hear, “twisted-dna.com, please come to passenger service.”

6
Sign up for story reading for kids at your local library. Remember, it’s OK to insert product placements into the story you are reading. For example, “Seven dwarfs came home after a hard day’s labor and logged on to Twisted-dna.com while Snowhite cooked the dinner.”

5
Cut outlines of your blog URL in aluminum wrap. Go to the beach on a warm day. Carefully drop the the outlines on oblivious sunbathers’ backs (or on their faces if they are sound asleep). They will advertise your blog for free until their tan wears off.

4
Find a celebrity lookalike, make a fake celebrity sex tape and distribute it. In the sex tape, wisely weave your URL into the dialog. For example: “Oh God. Yes. Yes. Last time I had so much pleasure was when I was reading twisted-dna.com. Don’t stop now.”

3
Camp out at an obstetrics ward. Talk to women going into labor rooms and tell them that the new Lamaze technique is to shout out your URL when they are having contractions. For the next few hours they will promote your blog at the top of their lungs.

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2
Follow fire engines. If there is a fire, hang banners of your site near the fires. News crews will take care of the rest.

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1
Print tons of copies of your blog. Go to all public restrooms in your area and leave copies in the restroom stalls. People using them have NOTHING else to do and will read your blog. Be prepared to accept some criticism, expressed in innovative ways.

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How my company harassed me

My regular programming at work was interrupted by an unexpected email from our HR. The email said, in essence, “You must complete a mandatory Sexual Harassment Training.” I felt insulted. I mean, I know how to sexually harass people. I don’t need training.

The online presentation started out promisingly. It showed several scenarios where people were performing sexual harassment. Although, I would say their approach to harassment was tad amateurish. I mean, to harass a female colleague, one doesn’t walk up to her and put a hand around her shoulder. I would do it more subtly. I thought of contacting the HR and offering my skills to prepare a more educational and “hands-on” presentation.

After 10 minutes into the presentation, it suddenly turned tables and started preaching that harassment is wrong. That was when I realized the training was about how not to harass. What is wrong with HR? They want to take every bit of fun out of work! I could see where it was going. I was prepared to hear that “The Comprehensive Vital Statistics Chart of All Female Employees” I was planning to hang on my cube wall was borderline inappropriate.

It turns out anything you do, say or even think at work is inappropriate. And the presentation goes on and on, mostly because they have to find ways to include all ethnic types in the US in the “sample scenarios.” White, Black, Hispanic, Asian and that guy with unrecognizable origin who everybody else is supposed to identify with multiplied by male, female and somebody you can’t tell which.

What was more insulting were the “breaks”. After every 3 minutes, they have this completely retarded quiz with the answer so obvious that you have to be some blond bimbo to miss it. (Apparently saying “blond bimbo” is inappropriate too!) The questions looked as asinine as this:

Q: When you meet a female coworker, what is an appropriate way to greet her?

A) Hug her firmly and gently caress her posterior
B) Drop on all fours and lick her feet

C) Look into her eyes and say “Good morning”

D) Jump on her and dry hump her

Really? This is an insult to quizzes worldwide.

And the presentation goes on to tell you that the company wants you to be one of those nerdy, stuck up a-holes who reports everything they see to management. In fact, not reporting a potential issue is a violation of company’s policy. I am going to send reports to HR from tomorrow. “I saw a male person holding his unclothed genitals (hidden from view) for about 30 seconds in a public place.” Also known as peeing in the restroom.

In any case, by the end of the presentation, I was mortally scared to even talk to female coworkers. It is worse with male coworkers, who I can’t even look at. You see, in California, the laws for same-sex advances are much stricter. And how the hell am I supposed to know what is construed as making an advance in the homosexual world! The only way to stay away from sexual harassment is to blindfold and gag myself and wear a straitjacket and hope that it does not remind anybody of some kinky BDSM fantasy.