One-upmanship at Twisted DNA

One-upmanship

Published September 24th, 2007

One of the things I like about living in the US is that I don’t have to meet anybody I don’t want to meet. Almost. No neighbors dropping by unannounced. No visiting long lost relatives, who one wishes remained long lost. No casual acquaintances getting too friendly. I may be giving the impression that I am averse to people. I am. What I am more averse to is the games one is often forced to play in such gatherings. Take, for example, the popular game called “one-upmanship.” It’s easy to play. You go to somebody’s house and start explaining to them how yours or your son’s life is better than theirs. The goal of the game is to try to be as obnoxious as you can.

We had the misfortune of meeting one of the finest players of this game over the weekend. She was visiting her son in the bay area and bestowed the pleasure of her company on us without even our asking for it. We are apparently related. It is one of those relationships that needs a whiteboard and other visual aids to explain. She started the game masterfully as soon as she entered.

She: Do you own this house or rent it?
Me: We own it.
She: Hmm.. but it looks like an apartment.

Ouch. Then she looked at the kitchen.

She: Is this the only kitchen?
Me to myself: No, we have a couple more kitchens in the garage
Me: (Mumbling) ya
She: Oh very small. Our son’s kitchen is VERY big (she bulged her eyes for added impact)

How ever much I tried, I could’t get myself to give a damn about their kitchen. She was perplexed by my lack of enthusiasm. She reiterated the greatness of their kitchen. What does she expect me to do? Fall on my knees and proclaim, “Ye Master of colossal kitchen, have mercy!”?

Then she inquired how many years I lived in the US. I submitted the information for her perusal. She looked at her son with a glint of pride in her eyes and informed me, “My son has been living here for 30 years.”.

Oh my effing God! He is living here for 30 years AND has a huge kitchen. If I were a woman, I would’ve married him.

Then she compared what companies we work for. This is one time I wished I worked for a well-known company like Wal-Mart. Working for a fruity company like Apple is a sign of a loser. (I don’t work for Apple but something similar)

The questionnaire continued intermittently through the duration of the visit. I didn’t do all that bad because at the end of the interview, she seemed reasonably convinced that we are fit be called humans. She even showed a hint of respect. But wait… there is more.

Just before she left, in a sudden wave realization, she asked, “It’s almost noontime. You don’t seem to be cooking?” While I was trying to find a way to play down the answer, “We are not big on cooking,” she guessed the answer anyway and asked in disbelief, “You don’t cook much?” When met with silence, she continued to interrogate us.

“Or are you like one of those people who make a lot of food and keep eating that stale food throughout the week?”

I gladly assured her that we are not one of “those people”. We cook fresh when we cook but we opt for entrees that are easier to cook, like Pasta. What do you know? Apparently that is worse than eating stale Indian food. She said scornfully, “Ya, a lot of Indians don’t cook proper food these days.” With that triumphant victory, she gave us her blessings and left with a content smile, leaving us to contemplate on our miserable Pasta-eating lives.

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48 Responses to “One-upmanship”

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1 Dee Sep 24th, 2007 at 6:46 pm

hahaha….ROFL ..I have many relatives that have lived here for ‘30yrs’ and can totally relate to this nag…except in my case it is not about the kitchen…but its the life in ‘India’ vs ‘America’ thingie…
2 Deepak Sep 24th, 2007 at 9:14 pm

not ur best post…had to say that. Infact I disliked it.
3 Sakshi Sep 24th, 2007 at 11:01 pm

Oh! I know the feeling - I love being in the US for the same reason. Until I meet some random person who proceeds to inform me who well their son/daughter does in their job, how they are happily married and have the required # offspring. And how I fall short on all that.
And you cook pasta? Can I come over? I will only comment on the portion of food .. I promise.. well that and the 2 garage - but I will be in awe, lowly post doc and all that
4 noon Sep 24th, 2007 at 11:25 pm

Funny funny! And I can relate to this…I love the annonymity here - though within the Indian community there is no escaping this game…relatives/acquaintances - they all love this instant “answer these 10 questions and let me see which spot I should place you in the ladder” game when they come to your place or meet you at a party!
5 Keshi Sep 24th, 2007 at 11:49 pm

totally funny!

btw DNA u dun seem to want to visit me anymore

Keshi.
6 harish Sep 25th, 2007 at 1:50 am

“Ye Master of colossal kitchen, have mercy!”
- That would be one of the most funniest ways to address a person.
7 SK Sep 25th, 2007 at 6:57 am

LOL! :–)
Havent come across such a lady yet, and certainly dont want to.
8 rads Sep 25th, 2007 at 7:02 am

Your opening line speaks volumes. Can’t believe she rattled you though..
9 MsCutePants Sep 25th, 2007 at 9:18 am

HAHA That was one funny post…Why do the Indian Aunties act that way? Oh so annoying to be scrutinized under the microscope like that. This is why, temporarily living in Bermuda, I deal with no relatives here…I have none on the island yay!

Although I have to say, when we went to India on holiday, after being away for 10 years, I had to answer the barage of questions put forth & realized that the third degree performed by nosy Aunties was virtually non existent in Canada…Until one of them come visits you & totally destroys that zen like existence.
10 pria Sep 25th, 2007 at 11:17 am

You where kind enuf to treat her well for all curiosity which never ends. I thinks its always the I people who really wanna know how long, status and stupid queries od your horoscope.

I can never have one such, if I do come across I will only smile and tell I am on vrat/viratham and wont speak today.
11 Kodi's Mom Sep 25th, 2007 at 12:18 pm

oh so funny! and can totally relate! as noon said, no escaping this ‘game’ in the desi community…although it has always been a mystery to me - why is pasta hated so much? isnt it very close in structure and content to the revered vermicilli?
12 Not_a_dimwit_like_you Sep 25th, 2007 at 12:36 pm

What makes you think that Indian “Aunties” r out to only compare ? That Indian “Uncles” only want to know ur salary. That Indian people dont know how to converse??
Oh and what if instead of a loong distant Indian relative, it was an Amru (American) who visited ur home unannounced ? U would lay down ur best plates , and wipe their ass if necessary !
If Indians and their ways are so bloody painful for u, maybe you should just cut off all ties and proclaim to be of the (as u wud call it) superior American race. And what would Americans call u in turn ? Their brother ? No…you would still be called a bloody immigrant.
13 La Vida Loca Sep 25th, 2007 at 2:41 pm

oh poor you!!! working for a fruity company, with a small kitchen and eating pasta!!! aiiyyyooooo!!!!! haven’t lived in the US for 30 years? the horror!
Oh btw how old is the lady’s son? 70? that can explain a few things!
14 starry nights Sep 25th, 2007 at 9:12 pm

I have come across a couple of people just like that and I can relate to this whole episode.I feel sad for the son.(and for the future daughter-in-law).
15 ~nm Sep 25th, 2007 at 9:40 pm

Hahaha..I was laughing through out and trying to imagine your/or anyones expressions when that friend cum relative was saying all those things! God! I Actually sometimes admire such people who can say the stupidest of things and not feel stupid at all!!!
16 chandni Sep 26th, 2007 at 3:42 am

obnoxious!
17 just like that Sep 26th, 2007 at 11:21 pm

Having gone thru the pain of putting up with relatives ‘who you wish would remain lost’(LOL) I could perfectly empathise…

and this post has your trademark humour in dollops
“No, we have a couple more kitchens in the garage” ROFL.

There’s no winning them over these obnoxies. you’re damned if you do (whatever) and damned if you don’t too.
LOLLLL at your ‘miserable pasta eating lives’!
18 Twisted DNA Sep 27th, 2007 at 12:29 am

Dee:
life in ‘India’ vs ‘America’ thingie…
Ya, for some reason people don’t like other people to be happy where they are. They have to say, the life is better on the other side!

Deepak:
Thanks for you honest opinion. I appreciate it. I don’t think this is my best post either.

Sakshi:
Wait! I thought bachelors are exempt from this sort of crap. Because people don’t have any expectations of them.. you know like owning a house or a BMW etc. May be bachelor/bachelorettes of “certain age” are not exempt

Can I come over?
Pasta sounds interesting? Let me guess, Top Ramen is the staple for you

noon:
“answer these 10 questions and let me see which spot I should place you in the ladder”
Lol. Excellent way to put it! People love to box and label others.

Keshi:
Hey! Glad you liked the post. Will talk and explain

harish:
That would be one of the most funniest ways to address a person.
Nah, we can make it much more funny if we throw in a few expletives

SK:
Havent come across such a lady yet
Just move to bay area
19 Twisted DNA Sep 27th, 2007 at 12:30 am

rads:
Your opening line speaks volumes.
Really? You are not reading between the lines are you? Don’t because I am not that deep

Can’t believe she rattled you though..
Lol. Put me in any social situations and I will rattle like a baby’s toy

MsCutePants:
I have none on the island yay!
Moving to a, possible deserted, island sounds very attractive

Now, going to India and taking all those quizzes is another story

pria:
I will only smile and tell I am on vrat/viratham and wont speak today.
ROFL! Wonderful plan. I need to invent such vrat for men

Kodi’s Mom:
why is pasta hated so much?
I think it’s because of 2 reasons. 1. It’s easy to make. Unless you are sweating by gallons in the kitchen to make your kid’s food, you don’t love you kid enough. 2. The fact that you are not ashamed to announce that you eat Pasta says that you are “Americanized”, which is always a cause for concern!

Not_a_dimwit_like_you:
Thank you for your opinion

La Vida Loca:
Oh btw how old is the lady’s son? 70? that can explain a few things!
Lol. I guess the son is in 50s. It’s kind of weird how the lady is still talks about him as if he were a baby!
20 Twisted DNA Sep 27th, 2007 at 12:30 am

starry nights:
I feel sad for the son.(and for the future daughter-in-law).
You know, it would be injustice on my part if I didn’t mention the son looked a little uncomfortable. And this guy is married and has TWO kids not one like we did… so he is “better” in that respect too… sigh.

~nm:
who can say the stupidest of things and not feel stupid at all!!!
Lol. True, it’s not easy.

chandni:
obnoxious!
Ya and I don’t know how to deal with those people!

just like that:
ROFL
Thank you! Always good to hear.

you’re damned if you do (whatever) and damned if you don’t too
Haha. So true. As I was saying… people just don’t want you to be happy doing what you are doing. They have to tell you how you can be better (in their definition of “better”)
21 Anila Sep 27th, 2007 at 3:05 am

That was funny! Even I hate such ‘unwelcome’ guests.
For me, it gets the most irritating when some aunty from the neighbourhood walks in suddenly and starts worrying about my marriage. Don’t let her study more, don’t let her work abroad, Grrr..
22 Agony Aunt Sep 27th, 2007 at 4:38 am

Laughed my head off didn’t know we indians were so concerned about our kitchens.
23 Broom Sep 27th, 2007 at 11:16 am

Eeeps - she would enjoy meeting me - I am one of those bad Indians that eats stale food.
24 ss Sep 27th, 2007 at 12:18 pm

hi
Hilarious post and I just read a few older posts. They are awesome as well. Will visit regularly from now I guess
(I think I need 1 day off a week just to read blogs!)
25 Esha Sep 27th, 2007 at 12:57 pm

OK, there is a correction to what I once said. Twisted DNA is my No. 1 stress buster, followed by alcohol. ROFL AGAIN!

Btw, the game is played in india too, and at a much bigger level. they have even made a TV ad about it.
26 Sudipta Chatterjee Sep 27th, 2007 at 5:58 pm

Hhahahaa…. too good, sire! You just made me wide awake after a 48 hour coding session.

But you forgot the people at the other end of the spectrum. There are the kind who have to denounce their kids in almost a sort of a contest. “Oh my kid never does any homework”, “My kid is always finding excuses to get out of study” and similar ones. Wonder if it is more localized to India itself.
27 Shreemoyee Sep 27th, 2007 at 6:17 pm

And did you all eat pasta after they left?
28 deitaDi Sep 27th, 2007 at 7:05 pm

baanchan.. idi yaadikoccindi - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OB99ITZbq4o
29 unpredictable Sep 27th, 2007 at 10:59 pm

OMG. U must be terribly patient to have not slapped her or asked her to shut up and get the hell out of your house. Wat kind of painful people are out there really?
30 Alan Sep 28th, 2007 at 4:00 pm

I’ve been Americanized for a long time, and I think pasta is just fine. Though given a choice, I would opt for South Asian cuisine.
31 freespirit Sep 29th, 2007 at 2:46 am

Posts like these are why I should get back on the blogosphere more often! U never fail to inspire me with the fun stuff:) You’ve now given me an idea for my next post which has been long in coming. So enjoyed your pasta lunch with the other immigrant?
32 sundar narayanan Sep 29th, 2007 at 10:50 am

and imagine taking such person to THe lord of the rings on the big screen so they can experience something in nice sound in a clean theater (not that there aren’t big screens with nice sounds in India)..

and the response ..

“this is the same as Pralayam.. they have just shamelessly copied from Mahabharat!”

:)

there is no winning.. the sooner you realize that, the better off you are..

and from reading your post, you are already a Pro at this game..

:)
33 Srikanth Oct 1st, 2007 at 1:56 am

It does happen quite often…

I smile at innocence/ignorance/(other english terms which I donot know)… not just with moms of 30 years in US, or moms of 30 somethings, but even with 30 something “kids”

Which company you work in?
Me: Some unknown company name…
Oh, I donot know that… Which “platform” you work on?
Me : (Neither on Bangalore Cantonment or Kacheguda platforms… I have a decent office to work on) but I reply saying “I work on all platforms… “
34 rads Oct 2nd, 2007 at 3:01 pm

You know, I was thinking that this kind of situational pieces would be best done in our native language. Really. The satire would be perfect.
35 OrangeJammies Oct 5th, 2007 at 2:16 am

Since we’ve all encountered these aunties, at least in the U.S. game, there must be a factory where they’re conveyor-belted out from, no? Oooh, the things I’d do if I could locate the darn place.
36 Maverick Oct 5th, 2007 at 1:55 pm

And then didnt she get started on how their son’s family cook proper nutritious Indian food daily. boyyyyy how did she forget it
37 Pallavi Oct 7th, 2007 at 9:09 pm

oh man!!!! what annoying encounter..whole focus of this materialistic American dream is so depressing….
38 mahathma Oct 7th, 2007 at 9:45 pm

relatives are fucked up
39 Nivi Oct 9th, 2007 at 1:52 pm

“She: Is this the only kitchen?
Me to myself: No, we have a couple more kitchens in the garage”

ROTFL. Super funny. Well maybe one of the reasons we like it here, but come on if not for these where would we get our lighter moments from
40 pelf Oct 18th, 2007 at 10:03 pm

We have a lot of those busybodies here in Malaysia. Well, at least my neighbour is one of them. She walks into my rented house (I’m a student, sharing the house with 2 other hourmates) and plants her vegetables and flowers in MY garden. She walks over anytime as though she owns it.

And whenever our gate is left open, she would come in uninvited and start criticizing the cleanliness of our house (or rather, the lack of it, but still, it’s NONE of her business!).
41 adi Oct 19th, 2007 at 2:05 am

:)
it happens only in India
or the extended global India
42 Kiran Manral Nov 5th, 2007 at 11:51 pm

Verryy Brilliantly put. Know many of them aunties who are like hawks when it comes to comparing their grandkids (super duper multiple skill Mensa level geniuses) with lowly brat who doesnt even get his alphabets right. Or with moi, who cooks like a galleon chef, vis a vis, their Cordon bleu daughter in laws. I invite myself over for lunch.
43 Suki Jan 13th, 2008 at 6:29 am

Wha..? What on earth was that all about? Sheesh, now I know why I’m nearly a misanthrope.

Oh, and do you work for Orange?
44 Rajat Feb 27th, 2008 at 1:15 am

haha……well….i guess a person realizes this only when he doesn;t get any of it…..as in..in india…i go thru al dis quite often….but never really thot of writing it down…
and ya…even id love a life like urz…..d ” me being advers” thing…
45 Rajat Feb 27th, 2008 at 1:17 am

ya…happens so often hea in india…
even id love a life like urz…..
me and only meah….
46 Rajat Feb 27th, 2008 at 1:22 am

yeah…so true….id say d dropping in and playin d one-upmanship game is work of ppl who are way to vella to carry on with their own lives…i guess …

1 The game of one-upmanship at Blogbharti Pingback on Sep 28th, 2007 at 5:51 am
2 Garden And Swimming Pool Trackback on Feb 29th, 2008 at 1:59 pm

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