Monthly Archive for July, 2007

Chat busters

Chat is my primary means of communication with friends, colleagues, family and annoying cousins who don’t have internet access. Half the people I befriended in the blogworld are on my chat too. As a result, I chat all day.

There are downsides to chatting all day, apart from Carpal-Tunnel Syndrome. I tend to make typos. Some typos are innocuous. But some promote profound misunderstanding of my character. I was fortunate enough to save some of the biggest typos I did (so that I can use them on a rainy day when I don’t have any other interesting post).

I would like to vindicate myself of some of the unflattering impressions I may have created.

    • I may have rooted for a specific body part of yours (go tit), but I just meant to say I got it.
    • I may have accidentally made sexist comments about random women, (I like her butt), but it was a simple case of an extra “t”. I meant to say “I like her, but….”
    • I may have insulted popular people (He is retarded as an authority), I just have regard for them
    • I may have sounded like I was bagging quickies in the middle of the afternoon at work, (back in a sex) but I was just taking a break for a “sec” (without sex, of course)
    • I may have spread vile office rumors about my superiors (he has 20 people blow him). I meant to say that guy has 20 people below him.
    • Just because the PCI port seems to take anything in it, I might have sounded like I was insulting it (stick it in the PCI slut), but I just meant slot
    • I may have asked you to do nasty things to your monitor (Did you tryc licking on the icon). I hope you didn’t try that. Just click on the icon.
    • I may have sounded like I was asking for sexual favors (Can you do me). I was not. At least, not in this instance. It was just an eager-enter syndrome. I pressed enter before typing “a favor”

Management is child’s play

When you receive some management training, and consequently lose some common sense, you tend to think like a manager every waking minute. If the sight anybody not working makes you wince, imagine the pain it causes to see a resource run around naked without any task assigned to him. Yes, I am talking about a toddler/pre-schooler.
If you ever had tried to assign tasks to a pre-schooler, you would have realized that pre-schoolers’ work-ethic and their view towards work assignments are very unprofessional. How do you deal with a subordinate who takes the task and its materials, shoves them in the toilet and pees on them? Very unprofessional.

If you still want to make your child work for you, you need to get creative in your assignment and the motivation you provide to ensure their timely delivery. Here are a few tasks I can suggest:

Get him to make the shopping list: Simply ask your kid, “We have bread and bananas, what do you want to eat?” He will list you all the items that you don’t have in the house.

Get him to take care of weeds: If you have weeds in your yard and want to get rid of them, show your kid how to water plants using a hose. And tell him that the weeds need constant watering. Give him 3 days to kill the weeds by drowning.

Get him to mash food: Leave the food you want mashed on the floor. Place a mallet next to it and remove yourself from the view. A few minutes later your food will be mashed along with a few other things in the room. Be warned that you may find it a little inconvenient to retrieve your food that is evenly spread across the room.

Get him to find the permanent marker: If you ever fail to find the permanent marker, put a white shirt on your kid. Leave him in the room and wait for his white shirt to turn black with the marker ink. He has found your marker.

Get rid of annoying co-passengers: If you are on a flight and the guy in the next seat is making conversation while you are trying to stay quiet, softly tell your kid, “This uncle knows how to tell a male cat from a female cat”. You can even get some sleep while those two sort out the matters.

Get him to point out the right capacitor: You are often in this situation where you have a bunch of capacitors in your hand but only one fits the circuit perfectly (I am assuming you are hopeless geek). Place the capacitors in front of your child. The one he puts in his mouth and chews is the one you want.

Get him to shred paper: Just hand any paper to him and tell him that it is a very important paper. It will be in million pieces before you can say “wait”.

Get him to find condoms: If you forgot where you kept your condoms, leave your kid in the bedroom. He finds them every time without fail. In fact, he will find them much faster if there is another person in the room, like a friend or a cousin.