Monthly Archive for June, 2007

Statutory warning

reaction.png

Warning: If you experience nausea, dizziness, diarrhea or sudden buildup of ear wax, you may be suffering from a fatal reaction caused by the blog. Technorati reports that this blog already caused more than 100 reactions:

technorati_reactions.png

OK, you got the point. Technorati used to call them, very appropriately, “links.” Now they are “reactions.” It bothers me when people use obscure terms to represent something very simple. They are either trying to make it easy for laypeople to understand or be politically correct. In most cases it ends up confusing us.

Since we are on the topic of obscure expressions, here are some more examples:

  • “Contact your health care professional“: Means “see your doctor” but why use one word when three are sufficient!
  • “A store associate will help you”: Basically a salesperson but calling him an “associate” makes him sound less sleazy.
  • Single Family Dwelling: Sounds like some kind of haunted house. It simply means “house”.
  • Administrative assistant: Means “secretary” and I don’t know why “assistant” is less offensive than “secretary”
  • There will be work force actions: You will be searching for a job soon
  • Concession stand: Means the popcorn and soda stand outside a movie theater. They make it sound like they are selling food at dirt cheap prices, calling it “concession,” when in fact soda and popcorn cost more than a month’s salary.
  • Senior Citizens: Old people. It’s funny to note that a lot of these senior citizens are not citizens
  • “I need to freshen up: Women don’t pee. They freshen up.
  • In-flight refreshments: Peanuts and half a can of soda.
  • “They consummated their relationship”: A delicate way of saying they jumped in the bed and did it until the bed broke.
  • “Oh, she is just an Adult Entertainer, honey”: Whichever way you call a “stripper”, you are screwed after this.

Make most out of your next group lunch

If you have the refined art, you can turn every little pleasure in life into a business opportunity where you can save a buck, make a buck or be an absolute cheapo.

Take, for example, group lunches. These days any tiny reason is good enough for some workless co-worker to pipe up saying “Wow, we should do a group lunch.” It could be anything from leaving employees to somebody losing virginity, it doesn’t matter; we do group lunches.

As you know, all participants, willing or otherwise, split the check (bill) evenly in these group lunches. So how do you get the best bang for your buck? Here are some tips I have seen used in real life. Yes, people do really use them.

1. Make the suckers pay for dinner: When ordering your lunch, innocently order two entrees, as if you thought one was just an appetizer. When the food arrives, feign surprise and say, “Oh boy. That’s a lot of food. Can I get it to go?” And, of course, don’t offer to pay for it separately. There. You simply made rest of the people pay for your dinner.

2. Spice up your drink: As you would notice, people don’t order alcoholic beverages at group lunches. Their loss. Order a beer. You don’t have to get up on the table and shout that you are getting a beer. Do it quietly. With one wave of hand and a quick word with the waiter, you made your group pay for your beer!

3. Eat lunch like a prince: Of course the age old trick of ordering the most ridiculously expensive food on the menu, which you would think twice to order even in your dreams. Same goes with drink. Don’t just order Coke. Find some fancy European crap – something that sounds like Fancio Italiano Crapo. Don’t worry; your colleagues are paying for most of it.

4. Bon Appetizer: If you have an esoteric taste in appetizers, just place two orders for the appetizer without consulting anybody else. You will ostensibly share it but in essence you will get most of it. Jackpot if you go out to lunch with a group of mostly vegetarians and you eat meat!

5. Eat the tip: When the check arrives, claim you have no cash and put down your credit card. Then take the check, add tip, split it evenly and round the amount to the next dollar for convenience. As you can easily guess when you add all the contributions you will end up with more money than what you have to pay. Just sign the credit card receipt for actual amount + tip. The remaining couple of bucks are yours to keep! (I swear I saw this happen).