Monthly Archive for May, 2007

These bigots!

Statistics is a bitch. Take, for example, the fact that statistically I only have one relative per 1000 square miles in India. But all that is completely thrown off when I go to my town. In my hometown, my relatives are more densely populated than dust mites. Every time I step outside, i am bound to meet at least one of them. I mean my relatives, not dust mites.

On my last visit, this relative of mine sneaked up on me on the street. To avoid this person I wouldn’t hesitate to jump into the sewer overrun by the pigs, whose company I would probably enjoy more. But he didn’t give me a chance. Our conversation ended like this:

He: I heard that Indians are discriminated against in the US, is that true? The white people treat us like second-grade citizens?
Me: I don’t know about rest of the US but it is not true about where I live. In fact, white people are the minority in Bay Area and people often joke that they are the second grade citizens there.
He: People of that country don’t understand what great country we come from. They don’t understand the value of our culture. Even a dirty Negro thinks he is better than us.

I stood there with my mouth open. I didn’t know where to begin to correct him. I politely informed him that “Negro” is a politically incorrect term and that implying blacks are a “lesser” race than us is infuriating. I regret that I didn’t quite know how to tell him he was the biggest racist I ever met and he personally is “lesser” than the pigs I referred to earlier.

Fall Fashion

If you haven’t seen the video of Miss. USA falling in the Miss Universe 2007 pageant, you should get out from under your rock more often. Check out the video.
I don’t understand what all the fuss is about. People seem to be surprised to see her fall. Consider the following facts:

  1. She is wearing heels that look like stilts
  2. She is probably starving herself for weeks in fear of gaining a few extra grams
  3. She is wearing a dress so tight that being able to walk is almost against physics

If think about it, the above facts are in line with the norm in young people these days. So we can expect to see more and more people fall on a regular basis. That’s why I propose that Miss Universe Pageant introduces a new event called “Fall Fashions”, where contestants show how gracefully they can fall and how elegantly they can recover from it. They will be judged based on:

  1. Perfect and soft landing on their ass
  2. How quickly they spring back to upright position
  3. How broad a smile they plaster on their faces, however artificial it is, as if nothing has happened.

Miss USA could’ve scored 10/10 in this category!

Delicious looking wedding buffet

When people are happy in life, they have a tendency to ruin it. They do things like getting married. I don’t have a problem if people get married, as long as they don’t expect me to show up with blessings and $100 gift cards. But I didn’t crib too much when a Punjabi acquaintance of ours invited us for their daughter’s wedding and corresponding lunch. I heard Punjabi weddings serve the most delicious food.

On the day of the wedding, we got delayed and arrived a little late to the wedding but on time for lunch. I was starving by the time we got to the venue. The hot sun and long drive didn’t bother me; the lure of the mouth-watering makki-di-rotis and lassis kept me going.

There has to be a Murphy’s Law that says all occasions that you need to wear a suit for happen at mid-afternoon with a blazing 100 degrees out there. And of course, the wedding has to be in a gurudwara on the top of a hill and the parking lot is almost full. So you park in the furthermost parking spot available. While contemplating the life’s irony of having to climb a hill exactly when you are wearing the most uncomfortable leather shoes, your kid has to go, as-a-matter-of-factly, “Dad, I need to pee. Now.” Nothing like a sprint up the hill to work your appetite.

After the bathroom visit, we went straight to the main event of the wedding. Lunch. As I made my way into the dining room, a guy at the door politely informed me that I needed to cover my hair with a cloth, as it was the Sikh custom. I more politely informed him that I am not a Sikh. About 10 people around me politely informed me that it didn’t matter.

I had to wear a rag from the pile of recycled charity rags that adorned many an oily hair before. I didn’t hesitate to comply because it was close to 1PM and I was so hungry that these Earthly matters couldn’t stand between me and Lunch.

To our horror we realized the buffet was almost empty. No Makki-di-roti. No Aloo-Amritsari. No Pista lassi. No nothing. What was left was a heap of paneer pakodas and some mystery daal.

After a brief huddle with the family, we decided to make do with the deep fried cheese. And, boy was it delicious! I ate so much that I could barely move. By the time we finished our lunch, the dining hall was empty and the buffet tables were being removed. Then something odd happened. They started rearranging the buffet tables and decorating them. Being the curious person I am, I caught a worker and asked what the hell was going on.

Worker: We are setting up for lunch
Me: What did I just eat then?
Worker: Oh, that was breakfast.

The eventual lunch looked delicious. I had to be content just by looking at it as my prudish wife strongly felt I shouldn’t ask for a to-go box at a wedding.