The Hospitality Chess Game
Published March 6th, 2007
The whole obligatory meeting of relatives is like a chess game. You both are ostensibly dying to spend time with each other but in reality you both know that given an option between meeting the relative and watching PBS documentary on advances in colonoscopy, you would choose the latter any day. But neither would admit it. So it becomes a carefully planned game of excuses.
It was my cousin who made the first move, when she called me and said she was visiting California. I implored her to come stay with us, while hoping she wouldn’t. She told me she would love to, but alas, she had so many friends she needed visit. Nevertheless, she promised to make time for her dear cousin. No surprises there; this sequence of opening moves is as standard as the e4-e5 opening. We have to play this game to make sure neither of us have anything to complain to our parents about.
While she was in town, how much ever we tried, we could not find time to meet – for some reason cell phones didn’t work, text messages vanished into thin air, meetings popped up unannounced and sickness ran its devastating course. Essentially, we avoided each other like plague.
Finally, close to the time she was leaving, we agreed that my wife and I would take her out to a nice dinner and be done with the formality. It was indeed a nice, and delightfully short, dinner. Over dinner we talked about every living common relative of ours and were moving on to the ones peacefully resting in their graves when the check finally arrived.
The ride back from the restaurant was the last few minutes of our meeting – known as the “end game” - and needed to be played carefully. I told her, “It is wonderful spending time with you. So sad we spent such a short time. Are you sure you can’t just crash at our place and chat more?” She replied, “Sure. That would be fun.”
I was shocked, as if she played a C4 in Sicilian defense. She was supposed to say, “Oh, I would love to but my friends will be waiting for me.” Now I have no choice but continue the game.
Me: That’s great! Although I don’t want to spoil your plans if you made any already
Cousin: No, but you will have to drop at my friend’s place in the morning. I don’t want to impose on your busy weekday
Aha! You want me to back out.
Me: No, that’s not a problem.
Cousin: That’s great. (Pause). But you know, I didn’t bring any night dress.
She offered a draw. Perfect! It was nobody’s fault. We both dearly wished she came to our place but circumstances conspired differently.
Me: Oh darn! It would’ve been so much fun!
I forgot that there was another person in the car who is blissfully oblivious to all the subtleties of the intricate chess game going on there, A.K.A. the wife, who decided to speak.
W: Oh that’s not a problem. You can wear my clothes.
Damn! That shattered the status quo to million pieces. There was disappointed silence in the car for a few seconds.
Me: (Recovering) That settles it. We are going to my place then.
Cousin: (Gritting her teeth) Ok.
After a minute, I offered her a way out.
Me: You know, if you already made plans with your friends, you can just say it. We are cousins… there are no such formalities between us.
It was a gambit. And she accepted it!
Cousin: Yeah, I should go to my friends’ place. I am sure they are planning some games.
Me: Oh you should definitely go! Much more fun than talking about dead relatives.
We both laughed and sighed with relief.
Now all I have to do is call our respective parents and tell them that my cousin came all the way to California but didn’t have the time to stay at our place. Checkmate.
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The games people play!
Now all I have to do is call our respective parents and tell them that my cousin came all the way to California but didn’t have the time to stay at our place. Checkmate.
Mean, mean! But utterly strategic and the trademark of a grandmaster! Wishing you a very studious disciple to discover in your wife!
ROTFL..
I know the feeling! My sis and I dread goin to social gatherings like wedding etc. It s sooooooooo irritating to make small talk and stay with the plastic smile stuck to your face. Esp when we are done with the default qns like ‘How are you? So what are you doing now? Which city are you in? How s life in general’ we are dumbfounded. We dnt knw how to proceed beyond that!
hehehe!! I think it became very obvious towards the end how much you dint want her to stay over..LOL..
Shreemoyee:
The games people play!
Well said!
Sudipta Chatterjee:
Mean, mean!
I know
But it’s a dog eat dog world man, you gotta be real slimey
Wishing you a very studious disciple to
Ha ha. It remained just that .. a wish. Some people are too plain and can never learn the ways of the dark side
R.E.B.E.L:
default questions
LOL. That is so true. There is a default set of questiosn for every occasion. If you meet a new person, “what do you do? where are you from in India.” that’s it
Pallavi:
I think it became very obvious towards the end how much you dint want her to stay over
Lol. Ya by that time, I started to panic
hehe, exactly, we (as in ppl) talk on phone as if we would recreate any movie’s teary-eyed reunion where both the parties come running towards each other in slow motion, but in reality, both try their best to avoid “those embarrassing moments”..
I have a book of lies from where I pick randomly: “Cingular sucks, right now I am talking from the top of a tower, sorry I had missed your previous call” to putting the blame on difference in timezones.. and to think of it, isnt that why we have holidays? The wishes are mere formalities to convey “I am alive, hope so are you, bye until next holiday”
LOL! Omigod…you are a genius. This is so craftily written and awfully true. Well handled.
Adapaavi…adapaavi…[:D]
* sigh * wAys of thE DArk siDE ARE DarK indeED!
trademark hilarity…keep posting!
he he he
yeah i think we all play these games…but wht a checkmate.
HAHAHA!! That was a great game,mister!! Wish my relatives were so diplomatic!!
One of my cousins called me after 20yrs just so that she can stay with us while she did her interviews.Saves money,right? Never mind the 20yr gap!!
Loved you last move. Must add it to my repertoire..
).
Just hope that she has not already called and said that you did not insist on her staying (it was something that I would do
oooh - devious!! And then the ripples in India begin!
lol! really, TDNA ! she’s only your cousin - not even an in-law!! We are cousins… there are no such formalities between us geez, what a line! Of course there are no formalities. only mind tournaments!!
aaaiiiyoooo…i take it you have a large family.
mine is pretty small and iff i get a chance to see a cousin i generally take it
DNA wud u do this to me if I was visiting ya?
**I implored her to come stay with us, while hoping she wouldn’t.
LOL meanie!
**She was supposed to say, “Oh, I would love to but my friends will be waiting for me.”
hahahaha!
btw d u guys hate each other from childhood or something? I mean I have few fav cousins that i’d love to have over anytime of the year. but yeah I agree there r few who I dun even wanna a watch a movie with LOL!
Keshi.
ha ha… can understand. specially when one is working its v difficult to accomodate - physically & literally
hahaha!well played!!
Hey TDNA….
This is mean yaar!!!. I love my cousins unconditionally and I am sure they would love me to have me home (now dont burst my bubble). But this is mean mean mean…….
On the otherside I think this is a great perspective to life….I am pondering pondering pon…ing po…….g zzzzzzzzzzz!!!!
Hahaha! I learnt the ropes from my mom! she is the grandest master! LOL.
“for some reason cell phones didn’t work, text messages vanished into thin air, meetings popped up unannounced and sickness ran its devastating course.”
typical!
lol.. yeah i guess we all do that for cousins whom we like jus coz our parents want us to….
Pavan:
running towards each other in slow motion
Haha. Ya, typical Indian movie style!
Candy:
so craftily written
Thank you very much! Always nice to hear compliments!
the last adam:
trademark hilarity.keep posting!
Provide such encouragement, you will have to endure more posts! Don’t complain later
risha:
yeah i think we all play these games
Yep, in one circumstance or the other, we keep playing these games, and we have to. Unless we play, how will we get good at them?
asha:
One of my cousins called me after 20yrs
Haha. She must have suddenly remembered, for no reason at all, she loved you so much
If she tastes your food, she will probably never leave, so watch out 
Sakshi:
Just hope that she has not already called
Haha. Good point! If she does that, the game will continue. You surely heard of remove chess games
it was something that I would do
Remind this to me if we ever meet.. I will come with a well planned game plan!
Smita:
And then the ripples in India begin!
Haha. Ya, isn’t it interesting. Some of the simple things we do here have international impact
@:
she’s only your cousin
(grimly) There is no place for such sentiments once the game begins
only mind tournaments
ROFL@mind tournaments! But technically, it should involve multiple playing mind games; then it becomes mind tournament
La Vida Loca:
i take it you have a large family
No. I have a large number of people who theink they are my family!
mine is pretty small and iff i get a chance to see a cousin i generally take it
That is very nice. But imagine how much mind-game fun you are missng
Let me know when you are in the bay area next, we can play this game 
(Actually, I was going to ask you if you would have free time to meet when you were in the bay area last time. But I figured you must be too busy so didn’t ask)
Keshi:
DNA wud u do this to me if I was visiting ya?
Of course not! What are you talking about. (Standard opening)
btw d u guys hate each other from childhood or something?
It would have been better if we openly hate each other. Then there is no need for this charade. Theproblem arises when we are apathetic about each other. We have to put up this act
I agree there r few who I dun even wanna a watch a movie with LOL!
I hope you will watch a moive with me if I am ever in Aus!
itchingtowrite:
can understand
No you didn’t
its v difficult to accomodate
If it were a cousin I like, work, hell or high water wouldn’t have mattered
perspective inc:
well played!!
Thank you:)
Dee:
This is mean yaar!
Oh, every thing is fair in love and war
I am sure they would love me to have me home
Hmm.. let’s see.. how many times their phone battery died when you were talking to them?
Just kidding 
g zzzzzzzzzzz!!!!
I thought people fall asleep only when I do presentations. I didn’t know my blog has the same effect. I am so proud of myself
swami:
she is the grandest master!
Lol. Aren’t moms really good at this kind of things! Don’t disappoint her.. show her you learnt from her
Apy
(Now, don’t say I am the weird one in spite of that 
)
yeah i guess we all do that for cousins whom we like jus coz our parents want us to….
So I am not the only weird one?
Absolutely loved this post!
brutally honest and brilliantly written…
ps: its so true
Yikes! I’m not sure I put all that thought into the game. I prefer thing simple and straight forward.
haha… damn hilarious man! Its clearly a mind game… but why did she withdraw her plans in the end to stay over at her fren’s house… she is more of like fickling between two options… California? great place….! say a big Hi to my relatives and cousins who reside there … heard its a beautiful place from my aunt and cousins…:)
Fantastic.
But at least, you have relatives (dead or alive) to talk about.
When my cousins visit, we have to play the Kamchatka Defence of discussing good places to buy coasters and what colours Chevrolet Aveo is available in!
I change jobs oftener now so that I have something to talk about!
this is so true man!! sometimes even the cousins who i consider pretty much like my friends, can start mini family scandal if i fail to live up to any of their expectations.
awesome!!
And now that we are in India - I can sense people playing these games with us. Luckily we have a joker (as in playing cards) called my son - no matter what the situation somehow sonny saves us
Oh my! It was hilarious. But something I will watch for in future.
I never knew people shrug to meet to old acquaintances here. I have been here 2 years and I would love to have any of my remote relative also.
But same time i will be cautious If I am burdening someone like that.
oh thats cold!!
The game moves on when you don’t like some people to visit us.
a movie with ya? WHEN WHEN?????
Keshi.
AgonyAunt:
Absolutely loved this post!
Thank you! That coming from somebody whose writng I admire, is an honor!
chandni:
brutally honest
No, I toned down on the honest part
video:
I prefer thing simple and straight forward.
That is generally the best way. But you see, I have to live up to my twisted name
lalitha:
but why did she withdraw her plans in the end to stay over
Because she was falsely led to believe that I won’t mind if she didnt’ stay over
California? great place..!
You can say that again sista!
heard its a beautiful place
One of the best places in the world to live
You should move too 
Dipta:
Kamchatka Defence
ROFL!
LOL. Ya, that sounds like a more dreadful conversation!
shilpa:
can start mini family scandal
Wait until I tell them about your kissing random guys in bars
Something to Say:
And now that we are in India
Ya, in India, everybody is like a Grand Master!
Luckily we have a joker
LOL! This is a good idea! I need to introduce my kid into this game and use him for my advantage!
zeya:
Hey, welcome to my place!
I never knew people shrug to meet to old acquaintances here
I bet you don’t live in the bay area. If you do, you will be entertaining so many guests that at some point you will be looking for an excuse out
isha:
oh thats cold!!
Yep, reserved only for the people I dont care to spend time with
Kalpana:
Ya, when you like somebody there is no such game
Keshi:
a movie with ya? WHEN WHEN?????
I will show up on your door step one of these days
LOL! Very funny post!
That’s hilarious! I’m always trying to explain the chess game to my husband (who’s not Indian) - this is a great play-by-play!!!
Funny and well written story.
Hmm, well, I normally look forward to my relatives visiting me or vice versa. But the way you expressed the sentiment was funny…..
The worst is when , if you do have someone staying with you, whom you dont particularly vibe with - after all the small talk is over, all those silences….aaaaaaah… clubbed with a quiet husband like mine, the silences are lethal !
lol! A right old devil you are!
hahahahahaha so true - you nailed it perfectly! =D
:-) enjoyed the post
but I would love to have cousins/relatives over and spend time with them - anyone except my two brother-in-laws !
No I slept pondering abt this Perspective of Life
your blogs are like steroids on my boring days
:) Hillarious!!!! Too Good.
this reminds me of my sister and myself. most of the time we’re dreading the obligatory visiting with relatives, but sometimes she gets carried away in the moment and offers some kind of return hospitality/visit. and often they take her up on it (don’t think they’re aware of the chess match) — she’s always so shocked (and sorry). *I* get to hear about her remorse and dread — both the days leading up to and after the return visit. she drives me nuts, i tell you…
funny! he he he!
Dude…you are pure Evil! And you need to teach me how to play the game!
Brilliant! I did the same with my cousin on my recent trip to their place and I didn’t want to meet them. You put it too eloquently. My favorite quote, ” Just because I am evil, doesn’t mean I am bad”
shub:
Thanks Shub
Archana:
my husband (who’s not Indian)
Good luck explaing the game!
Thanks for the compliments!
Alan:
Thanks Alan
Mahesh Subramanian:
I normally look forward to my relatives visiting me or vice versa
Just kididng.
Does vice-versa mean you look forward for thier leaving too?
apu:
the small talk is over, all those silences
Haha! The uncomfortable silence. The more we try to fill the void the more ackward it keeps getting! Good one.
OrangeJammies:
A right old devil you are!
ah, like it’s a news to you!
bookworm:
Thank you ma’am
nz:
I would love to have cousins/relatives over and spend time with them
I would love them over too as long as I don’t have to spend time with them. lol @ your BIL comment. I wonder what they did to deserve your wrath!
Dee:
your blogs are like steroids on my boring days
That’s the nicest thing to say! Thank you.
Sunita:
si:
LOL. I think the only people in the world who can drive you nuts and still we can love them are our siblings!
Mukta:
Thanks Mukta
freespirit:
And you need to teach me how to play the game!
Any time. Just let me know in advance if you are planning to visit this part of the world, then we can play this game
The Pilgrim:
Just because I am evil, doesn’t mean I am bad
Lol good one. So I assume you played the game well and your relationship with your cousin didn’t change after teh visit!
awesome awesome post! great read.. and ulti ending.. was like watching a well crafted movie.
Brilliant post ! Very funny!
I guess u couldn’t include ur wife’s intervention as a part of your chess metaphor!