Hold me, thrill me, kiss me, kill me
Published February 14th, 2007While you drench yourself in the unadulterated commercialism of the Valentines Day, take a moment to think what kind of a kisser you are:
The Vacuum Cleaner: Believes kiss is the vacuum seal of love. As soon as an air-tight lip-lock is achieved, he sucks hard enough to collapse her lungs.
The Archeologist: Within a few nano seconds of initial contact, he digs the tongue deep enough to cause a gag reflex.
The Hairdresser: She habitually passes her hand through the guy’s hair messing up his expensive hair-do. Messing the hair is OK for guys, but not for just a kiss.
The Epicurean: Proceeds to the abomination of a kiss with remnants of her lunch firmly implanted between her teeth.
The Unsure: Typically a guy at the end of a date. Not willing to kiss on the cheek and not quite gathering the nerve to kiss on the lips, lands the kiss in the no man’s land between the cheek and the edge of the lips.
The Announcer: Announces the actions before doing them. “I am going to gently nibble on your lips now.” It might be exciting at the beginning but pretty soon it will feel like a scripted TV show and you would want to change the channel.
The Venus De Milo: Just like her phone calls, she likes to take her kisses handsfree. She lets her hands hang by her sides like wet towels. The guy would typically have to pin her to the wall to stop her from falling over.
The Drifters: Where lips keep sliding out of position and the couple having to realign themselves repeatedly. It may also be an indication that one of them is about to die of suffocation.
The Dental Dueler: With his firm conviction that harder you press better the kiss, he applies enough pressure for the lips to give way and teeth to clatter.
The Decibelle: As soon as, or even before, the lips met, the woman begins moaning heavily, making the guy wonder if he is standing on her foot. In such cases if the guy is hoping to score that night, he better find a place in the middle of nowhere.
Your Additions
The Washing Machine: He who believes the tongue can substitute the spin dryer [From: babelfish]
The Dracula: Who bites/chews the other person’s lips enough to draw blood, without letting them participate in the kiss. May be garlic does work in chasing away this dracula!! [From: beenthere]
St.Bernard: The guy who thinks that licking all over her face (in the manner of a dog..)is normal part of kissing [From: Sakshi]
Desi Kisser: Where the guy approaches with wide mouth open right away . .. no getting to the tongue kiss [From: Sakshi]
Kisser-of-death: When the guy tries to suck ur mouth instead of nibbling the lips. It feels like sudden death [From: Keshi]
The Seal: Pastes you with the saliva and leaves you foaming in the mouth. [From: Shreemoyee]
Guiness book of record holder: prolongs it so much that u may die of suffocation [From: itchingtowrite]
Arjun: Extremely focussed on the kiss only. doesn’t bother whether the other is enjoying or not. [From: itchingtowrite]
Stolen kiss: this one is by secret lovers in India- keeps the eye open to watch out for people coming so that they could end the kiss fast [From: itchingtowrite]
The Freezer Fish: The one where one of the participants leaves his/her eyes completely opened resembling a Dead Fish straight out of the freezer section of your local grocery store [From: Mary P]
The Deadbolt: Isn’t opening that mouth for anything (see any old Elvis movie for visual technique [From: Gnightgirl]
The Octopus - the second a lip lock is achieved the hands grope with a vengeance. [From: La Vida Loca]
The Monotone - same kissy routine each time, every time. [From: La Vida Loca]
The Biter- self explanatory. [From: La Vida Loca]
59 Responses to “Hold me, thrill me, kiss me, kill me”
- 1 Pingback on Feb 19th, 2007 at 8:31 pm
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[+] A Malaysian man had to have a nut removed by a doctor from around his penis. He reportedly stuck his penis in the nut, in a botched attempt to enlarge it. When asked for a comment on the patient, the doctor said, “He is f***ing nuts”. [2 comments]
[+] The McCain VP selection team presented McCain with three options. Tom Ridge, Mitt Romney and Sarah Palin. They presented a detailed profile on each of them and deliberated pros and cons for hours. Then they said, “Senator McCain, make your pick.” McCain said, “MILF”. That’s the only way to explain McCain’s VP choice. [0 comments]
[+] The X-Files star David Duchovny has voluntarily joined rehab for Sex addiction. When the doctors tested him the diagnosis is, “He is a man.” When reporters went to his home to break the news of his sex addiction to his wife, Téa Leoni, she laughed said, “Oh there is nothing like that.” Then her face became red, she said, “Wait a f***ing minute” and packed bags and left. [1 comment]
[+] Kake Hudson is being sued for stealing an idea to make hair products out of volcanoes. You heard it right, volcanic ash. When asked why she used volcanic ash, she said, “You saw people in Pompeii right? Their hair stayed the same for 2000 years!” [0 comments]
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why only she… why not he???
DNA: I wonder your brain works so humor when it comes to she.. Everything was awesome and the last one I cudn’t stop laughing.. Nice ones asusal.
nobody’s devli and pria
You are right… there is no reason for everything to be “she”. I changed the post to be more gender equal
thou art a gem. but will you be disappointed if i say you missed one…The Washing Machine-er, he who believes the tongue can substitute the spin dryer
babelfish:
That is hilarious! Now I have to create a “Your Additions” Category just for you!
he who believes the tongue can substitute the spin dryer
Looks like somebody is in the Valentines spirit
ahahah
love your posts
my cousin kavitha or karen (don’t know which name she goes by) introduced me to it
LOL! thanks! needed something cynical like this to counter the saccharine overflow of red and pink…
Hahaha..the announcer and no man land are just too funny and freaky..
HAHAHA!!! DNA , I will gladly do the last one to you today if you let me!!;D
Those were funny and very much in the spirit of Valentines Day!! How about the Dracula who bites/chews the other person’s lips enough to draw blood, without letting them participate in the kiss. May be garlic does work in chasing away this dracula!!
HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY….Loved this post.thank you for making me smile.
Really funny.
I have a couple to add -
How about the St.Bernard? The guy who thinks that licking all over her face (in the manner of a dog..)is normal part of kissing?
And the other is what I call the Desi kiss - where the guy approaches with wide mouth open right away . .. no getting to the tongue kiss
Hilarious ! So, did you take a moment to think what kind of kisser are you
WOW what a KISSABLE post! MWAHHHHH Dna
**Messing the hair is OK for guys, but not for just a kiss.
cmon dun tell me u dun like ur hair messed up during some steamy pashing?
Some really funny ones there LOL!
Here’s one from me:
‘Kiss-of-death’
When the guy tries to suck ur mouth instead of nibbling the lips. It feels like sudden death.
btw this post got me wanting to kiss so badly LOL!
Keshi.
:) Interesting list. Does this qualify ?
The Seal: Pastes you with the saliva and leaves your foaming in the mouth.
LOL! “The Dental Dueler” takes the cake. Cheers!!
good one…
guiness book of record holder- prolongs it so much that u may die of suffocation
Arjun- extremely focussed on the kiss only. doesn’t bother whether the other is enjoying or not.
stolen kiss- this one is by secret lovers in India- keeps the eye open to watch out for people coming so that they could end the kiss fast
candice:
Thanks for stopping by. I owe it big time to Karen for introducing me to all you wonderful people
@:
saccharine
Right on! That’s the precise word for it! Glad you enjoyed my cynicism
Pallavi:
Freaky - lol…. Compared with all other categories I left out, they are not that freaky
asha:
Damn! You had to choose that one when I gave so many other nice options!
beenthere:
garlic
LOL.. of course garlic is known to chase away all evils
Added your input to the list above
lalitha:
Happy valentines day to you too!
thank you for making me smile
Pleasure is all mine
Sakshi:
thinks that licking all over her face (in t … is normal part of kissing
It is not?
where the guy approaches with wide mouth open right away
LOL
nz:
did you take a moment to think
I don’t think, I kiss
Keshi:
WOW what a KISSABLE post!
The post has just blushed in anticipation
cmon dun tell me u dun like ur hair messed
Of course I like it, “not for just a kiss”
btw this post got me wanting to kiss so badly LOL!
I hope somebody did kiss you before the end of the day! Where are all the guys in Aus doing these days not trying to court a beautiful young lady!
Shreemoyee:
leaves your foaming in the mouth
I thougth leaving one foaming in the mouth was a good thing!
Your comment is added to the list above
swami:
Hey, glad you enjoyed it! Thanks for stopping by.
itchingtowrite:
Hey, glad to see you after a long time. Haven’t been reading blog these days… too busy. I am just trying to catch up!
The Vacuum Cleaner: Believes kiss is the vacuum seal of love. As soon as an air-tight lip-lock is achieved, he sucks hard enough to collapse her lungs.
That was fun reading & enjoyed yourwacky but cool post..;)
I have a good one we see a lot of…
The Freezer Fish…
The one where one of the participants leaves his/her eyes completely opened resembling a Dead Fish straight out of the freezer section of your local grocery store…
what bout the old hindi movie type…where go near go near and bam the herione turns her head…and the kiss never happens..:)
Not just for a kiss? mmmm ok then LOL!
Where r all the Aussie blokes? Dun u know Syd is the gay capital?
Keshi.
lol quite a collection of kisses you have there huh, very very interesting
what about those kisses from reallllly shy guys which land everywhere except the lips? 
ROFL
man, you’re crazy… where do you get the time to do all this research? (I hope it was all through observations only)
lol!! Hope you had kiss full V-Day;-)
The Deadbolt: Isn’t opening that mouth for anything (see any old Elvis movie for visual technique.)
Yes, I did once dump a guy that hated any sort of french kissing, claiming it made him feel like it was choking.
haha.. i died laughing reading this. also reminded me of my bizarre encounter at the club. i think that kiss was definitely a bad combo of a vaccum cleaner and archeologist!!! i had to run to get water after that.
ok i died laughing and you know it reminded me of my bizarre club encounter last week… that kiss was a mind-numbing combo of vaccum cleaner and archeologist… had to run to get water!!
im thoroughly disgusted for you my dearest twisted… dead if you had experienced most of those types of kisses.. u know wid all that gingivitis floatin around … and damned … if your imagination/intellect gave way to the above post… very sincerely disgusted,
urs truly n luvinly
ishu…
PS: i did however thoroughly enjoy the post.. the parts i read neway
.. n ur back!
Think I can call myself vacuum cleaner and Washing Machine
haha… hilarious post… how do u come up with such posts??? happy V Day to u and yr other half dude!:)
I want to add The Octopus — the second a lip lock is achieved the hands grope with a vengence.
The Monotone– same kissy routine each time, every time.
The Lock-Lip– hasn’t heard of the usage of tongue in kissing.
The Biter- self explanatory.
LOL!! I wish I could have contributed but you seem to have a very comprehensive list!!
haaaa.. haha.. good one.. you are the one who never fails to entertain whatever be the topic..
Hi There
Hope you still remember me
Nice website we look around more. I just got back to blogging.
BTW my four pence to your post
Brace the Kiss: When the kissers are young teenagers with both of them having braces on. You need to be really BRAVE TO BRACE THIS KISS…I TELL YA!!!!
I didnt forget u DNA but I wasnt sure if u wud like ur photo to be on that slideshow…wud u?
Keshi.
Hey Twisted DNA you are funny as usual, so that is not something new to tell you.
Can I ask you if you can give me some pointers as to how to make a website. I have been trying forever to make one for my wedding with no success at all.
Me needs much more practice to come up with a category for this particular post. Excellent post as always Twisted D.
Came here after a long time… n jus finished reading the missed out part.. Man.. u r doin a great job… as usual.. loved all ur posts
you have been tagged.. tappakunda cheyyandi
hey …. when you have the time, would love to hear your thoughts on this…
http://themadmomma.blogspot.com/2007/03/we-are-pregnant.html
LOL cracked me up. Vacuum Cleaner was the best ;p
I didn’t realise that guys don’t like their hair being messed :O
Hee hee! One more top scorer from you!
What abt the poor junta who don’t have anyone to kiss??
Lera:
your wacky … post
Will never disappoint you in the wacky portion
Mary P.:
The Freezer Fish.
ROFL! Good one
Pallavi:
hindi movie type
You mean the non-kiss
Actually, that could be a completely different post! How many ways are there to not show a kiss 
Life Lover:
shy guys which land everywhere except the lips
How shy they are depends on where the kisses land
But I think we adaquqtely covered them in “The Unsure” 
neihal:
Thank you, thank you!
Karen:
where do you get the time to do all this research
Ahem!
I hope it was all through observations
No comment
mommyof2:
Hope you had kiss full V-Day
Ha ha. It was not as sparkling as the post was but a good V-day
Gnightgirl:
The Deadbolt
Awesome.. went right up in the list
I did once dump a guy that hated any sort of french kissing
You did the right thing! What’s the fun in dating if the partner won’t even french kiss!
shilpa:
vaccum cleaner and archeologist
LOL, an archeological vacuum cleaner! Not a good combo! But reading your post I thought you really liked that kiss and the guy
isha:
all that gingivitis
Ha ha ha. Will these dentists ever be able to enjoy a normal kiss without trying to name the parts of the teeth the tongue is touching?
Z000nie:
vacuum cleaner and Washing Machine
LOL. Multiple appliances built into one
lalitha:
Thank you
La Vida Loca:
Funny additions. Duly added
the mad momma:
but you seem to have a very comprehensive list
You are just being shy
Sushma:
you are the one who never fails to entertain
One of the best compliments I ever got! Thank you.
Radhika:
Hope you still remember me
Of course!
BRAVE TO BRACE THIS KISS
LOL, sounds like experience talking!
Keshi:
I wasnt sure if u wud like ur photo to be on that slideshow.wud u?
The “Twisted DNA” you see on this site is public
You wouldn’t want that on the slideshow, would you? But seriously, ya, my photos showing up in slides shows is probably not a good idea
Sines:
give me some pointers as to how to make a website
I haven’t gotten around to reply to you about that
I will do that soon!
Mosilager:
Excellent post
Thanks Ranjit!
Apy:
Came here after a long time.
Hey! Nice to see you again. I know, we haven’t been dropping at each other places lately! I will have to catch up reading on my list of blogs
Sushma:
tappakunda cheyyandi
tvaralo, ati tvaralo, mee abhimana blog lo chudandi
the mad momma:
would love to hear your thoughts on this
I have been thinking about writing about this but have been crazy busy
Will get to it soon
Loon Gal:
I didn’t realise that guys don’t like their hair being messed
As I was saying before, we don’t like it messed up just for a kiss
How Do We Know:
What abt the poor junta who don’t have anyone to kiss??
They should put this post up on the wall and use their imagination
what about the nose getting in the way
and the air kiss- like socialites
You have a very good humour sense
would like to read more..
I LOVE U2!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!4EVER
KISS KISS!!!
What about the response that one gets?? Am sure they can also be equally neatly slotted.
You are hereby conferred the title of Dr in Kissology for your research on “the art of kissing” lol
Emran Hashmi can learn a trick or two!!!
hahaha eewwwwww at the archaeologist and the epicurean Totally gross!
My evolution goes like this:
Stealer Kiss
The Announcer
The Vacuum Cleaner
The Archaeologist
The Washing Machine
St. Bernard
The Biter
Not necessarily in that order though.
Mr Warped ATGC,
You have forgotten the most legendary Desi kiss of all time. The birdie (aka the Great Bollywood Censor Board Passing Kiss of Yore). In which the protagonists approach each other, holding a small birdie (usually a sparrow or parrot) in hand. Just when they are about to kiss, they stop and let the birdies kiss each other.
Great blog by the way. Blogrolled
So thts how ppl. learn to kiss huh!