Brown men can’t smile
Published February 5th, 2007I did it again! I claimed another victim. While walking in the mall the other day I made another Indian guy completely freeze in his tracks and look at me in disbelief. I didn’t do anything outlandish. I smiled at him. He must have concluded I was an Indian mutant with extra face muscles enabling me to exert a smile. I lived in bay area long enough; I must have learned that smiling at other Indians is a strict no-no.
Soon after my arrival in the US, I noticed that most people here greet each other, by a smile, nod or a hello, when they pass each other. And very soon after that I realized that such rule doesn’t apply when Indians encounter other Indians. We don’t smile at each other. I never understood why we approach each other with caution. I think we firmly believe that the Indian guys who smile at you are either Amway, or gay or both.
If you live in the bay area and come across another Indian, this is what you need to do:
- Under no circumstances make an eye contact. Pretend he is transparent and look through him.
- In the unthinkable event that you actually made eye contact, give him the “are you trying to steal my job” look.
- If the other guy stretches his lips into an expression unbeknownst to you, look at him as if he were an alien with a foot-long nose hair.
The situation is worse with women. For a smile most Indian women reflexively respond with a frown. Is it somehow worked into the belief system that if you don’t frown back, it would be taken as an invitation to hit on them?
One day I made the mistake of saying some pleasantries to a desi woman. We both entered the library at the same time and walked straight to the water cooler. So I said, “It’s unusually warm, isn’t it?” She perked up and looked at me with shock, as if the question had the connotation of a mating call in the culture she grew up in. A gamut of expressions ran in her face – shock, bewilderment, fear, oh-my-god-he-is-going-to-rape-me fear, disgust and frown. She gurgled yes and bolted from there.
But I vow not to change. I will continue to smile at people and make small talk. I don’t care if they think I am a mutant.
66 Responses to “Brown men can’t smile”
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lol…
“I think we firmly believe that the Indian guys who smile at you are either Amway, or gay or both.”….that is absolutley true…luckily u have been only frowned at. I’ve been ambushed by “amway” guys on several occassions and at several locations ranging from the temples to IKEA!! while trying to be friendly to them. But like u said, I will continue to smile especially now that I’ve developed military like defenses against such ambushes.
:)
Hahaha..
If you are a single Desi woman who comes across a married couple, then the male tries to adopt #1(avoid eye contact) while the woman makes sure you are not ogling her guy - by giving you the most evil look possible
And if you actually end up talking with someone, they will give you wrong phone numbers or move to another part of the town - to avoind your dropping by
hehe
good one..btw, i have experienced the opposite of that too: as a desi gal if you exchange pleasantries with a desi guy, it is treated as a sign of being ‘very very lonely and really really despo’. i am saying it from experience, a few days ago, i was picking up a book on basic indian cooking at a bookstore for my manager and an indian guy came along; i was reading a particularly lengthy recipe so when i saw him looking at the same book too, i just smiled and said “doesn’t look like basic to me” he smiled back and then for the rest of the remaining half hour that i was at the store i could see him following me and smiling in a weird way (read: ‘i am available’ way) everytime i looked at him…so much for acting normal
Ha haha… that was hilarious. I too have got into this habit of smiling at others (including Desi people), but I too have come across this scared look.
Ahoy, mutant!
Oh, just for the record, there have been pleasant nod-backs as well!
so true!
:) funny…I agree with you!! But sometimes if indian girls smile back its taken the wrong way..:). Oh man, she is flirting back may be she is interested or something!! But I still keep the common mode of behavior to all..
Totally true!, People actually look at you as if you are from another planet. They act as if they are hearing the word “Hi” or “Hello” for the first time. Smile given to a girl, especially in a elevator freaks them out totally
yayyyy!! i did the same… and keep doin t!! kewl stuff, mayt!
Heh. funny as hell but so not true where I live. Desis always nod at/smile/acknowledge other desis. There is an extra zing to the desi-desi nod too. Maybe it’s a student-town thing? No one has money for amway type nonsense and no one cares if you’re straight or gay? (ok, the second part is not entirely true
)
LOL another funny post!
dija think it was only Bay Area that’s facing this issue? It’s the same bloody thing ova here. No desi wants to smile bak at ya…Im truly disappointed with our ppl. I mean does it cost u to smile? NO. So why not be friendly and try not to be a snob.
I have smiled at so many desi ppl who have completely looked the other way as if Im some disgusting object. Anyways their LOSS LOL!
**She perked up and looked at me with shock, as if the question had the connotation of a mating call in the culture she grew up in.
LOL haha! I know of such desi girls too. Wierd ppl!
Keshi.
Ravi:
I’ve developed military like defenses against such ambushes
I totally know the feeling! I have been a victim of Amway many times. I did a post about it recently
Shreemoyee:
:)
Yay, you can smile
Sakshi:
then the male tries to adopt #1(avoid eye contact)
uh-oh. Really? May be I should stop ogling at other women then.
they will give you wrong phone numbers
lol@wrong phone number. I have given a lot of wrong phone numbers to suspiciously amway looking guys though
Life Lover:
i could see him following me and smiling in a weird way
That is absolutely hilarious! So it is true huh? If you don’t frown it is taken as an invitation
Sudipta Chatterjee:
there have been pleasant nod-backs
What alien planet do you live on? I am sure you are not in the bay area, are you?
mazhalai:
so true!
Ya, especially wher I live
Pallavi:
if indian girls smile back its taken the wrong way
I already heard this from two people! So girls do have bad experiences when they smile back? that very sad
Ashwin:
Smile given to a girl, especially in a elevator
LOL! I can imagien. Something to do with closed room doubles the fear I presume
neers:
did the same. and keep doin t!!
Yep! Let’s try to bring plesantries back into our community
kewl stuff, mayt!
Thanks!
the_girl_from_ipanema:
Desis always nod at/smile/acknowledge other desis.
Nice to know! (You do live on the Earth, right?
)
Maybe it’s a student-town thing?
Possibly. I’ve never been a student in the US so I don’t know how things are in student towns
Keshi:
LOL another funny post!
Thank you.. I can count always count on you for encouragement!
It’s the same bloody thing ova here
In Aus too!? That’s so sad!
I have smiled at so many desi ppl who have completely looked the other way
Ok, if people are not even returning the greetings of pretty girls, guys like us have no hope!
Anyways their LOSS
Totally!
hahahahaha
cant believe a smile can cause such ackwardness
and pls dont stop smiling…..:)
have you tried giving an indian a compliment?
T-DNA,Quite interesting !!
I agree with what I read, got me thinking about something that I’ve noticed since a long time ,It’s very much, a happening attitude all over the globe, especially with Indians,fail to acknowledge the other persons presence in a foreign land and it’s a strict “I am an Indian ” , Sorry, No Eye contact please….
It’s as if they are losing out on their identity and may be even fear that the fellow indian will latch on like a leech to suck your blood! But,in a typical scenario when it comes to reacting with others,like whites or any other skin colour,we get to see indians chatting with them like their long lost friends ..:))
“The situation is worse with women. For a smile most Indian women reflexively respond with a frown.”
hey,T-DNA, I don’t agree on this,not all women are the same! you must have encountered some wierd woman..he hee
“But I vow not to change. I will continue to smile at people and make small talk. I don’t care if they think I am a mutant.”
That’s very Nice,Some people are born with a smile…:)
actually is this something to do with our Indian culture…??i am perplexed by these ppl behaviours… this prob is also prevalent in singapore as well…actually looking from others’ point of view, i would not smile at a stranger … regardless whichever background breed they came from… i mean why shld i smile at a person for? maybe we smile out of courtesy but some smiles can invite troubles…. there was once i was in the bus where i happen to smile at an Indian woman who happen to board the bus… the moment i smiled, she approached me and asked me ” do u have $10?” arghhh
I have encountered similar problems also.I don’t know why it is but i still try and smile and make small talk because that is the person I am and will not change.Are Indian people scared of other indian people?
hehehe.. loved your post..
Hmmm I wonder wat wud happen if I try it out in Chennai ???
HAHAHA!! It is true.Men(brown men) smile at me and I always smile back and mouth ‘Hi’ but their women frown at me.Chill gals!! It’s just a greeting,me no take your man!!!
:D
shock, bewilderment, fear, oh-my-god-he-is-going-to-rape-me fear, disgust and frown good stuff!!!
I must be one of the women who has frowned at you
no, jk - I don’t frown…altho I don’t initiate a smile either…simply bec this whole smile-as-if-you-live-in-utopia just doesnt make any sense to me! and that is my funda - no matter who it is - white, brown, yellow, maroon, green,….!
very true.. I have come to terms with the group which doesnt smile at all, but the most intriguing of the species are those who respond to a cordial smile by nodding their head (but NO smile).. as if acknowledging my presence, or as if I had wished them “salaam saab” to which their nod means “haan, theek hai”.. maybe adopting tit-for-tat approach is good: smile for a smile, frown for a frown.. but then would it be a society? I too would keep smiling till they take out their cells and dial 911
oh, just now noticed from comments above that “girl_from..” also had similar experience.. so that means, these people have proliferated!
hehehe - good one. Can always count on you for a good laugh
BTW, those species are here too, so I smile at desis only if they give me a smile first - which is………………. rare.
yeah some men and some women even…they just dunno what a SMILE means. It seems like they take it as a hostile act.
Keshi.
Funny post as always, and I’m sure true in many situations. Usually, inadvertant eye contact with a Desi girl at the Indian grocery or at a Bollywood concert results in a shy smile. Guys generally do the head nod. Hmmm. Maybe this Jackie Schroff look is working.
neihal:
cant believe a smile can cause such ackwardness
Ya! Unfortunate but true!
isha:
have you tried giving an indian a compliment
Give an Indian girl a comment?! Are you kidding? She will call the cops on me saying I attacked her
But actually, some Indian girls do take compliments quite gracefully.
Lera:
may be even fear that the fellow indian will latch on like a leech
This is definitely there and the fear is not completely unfounded!
with others,like whites or any other skin colours
You are right on! We are too eager to be nice to people of other countries. I need to do a post on this!
Some people are born with a smile
That is true. (I am probably born with a sarcastic smirk on my face though
)
lalitha:
this prob is also prevalent in singapore
Is the problem in Singapore compounded by the fact that there are a lot of Indians in Singapore who settled down there for a long time and they consider newer Indian inferior to them? A friend of mine talked about this some time ago.
she approached me and asked me ” do u have $10?” arghhh
LOL! Ya, that is one problme with smiling to people
Lalitha:
and will not change
Please dont! There are other people like you, albeit very few. I think we can make a difference eventually
Are Indian people scared of other indian people?
We sure act that way. It is probably because since childhood most Indians are not taught to greet each other and probalby most of us won’t learn even after moving to India. In fact, if we go around smiling like that in India, I am sure they will think we are some sort of lunatics
hkarthi:
Hmmm I wonder wat wud happen if I try it out in Chennai
LOL, I was just saying that to Starry. If we go around in Chenni smiling at people, we will sure get into trouble. I can imagine how a girl would respond to a friendly smile from a guy.
asha:
but their women frown at me
Oh dont take it personally
I am convinced that some Indian women’s face is petrified with a permanent frown
@:
I must be one of the women who has frowned at you
I don’t think so. For some reason all mommies are quite plesant to me. It’s the single girls that think I am a menace to their womanhood
I don’t initiate a smile
But you probalby smile back if somebody smiles at you, right?
Pavan:
by nodding their head (but NO smile).
Geez! that’s the worst! I mean, nodding without a smile as if they are forced to acknowledge us.
till they take out their cells and dial 911
ROFL! It’s not too farfetched.. with all the terrorist fear. (Hello 911… there is an Middle Eastern looking man smiling menacingly!)
NZ:
those species are here too
Damn, this decease is spreading across continents, isn’t it!
Keshi:
It seems like they take it as a hostile act.
As you said, THEIR loss
Alan:
Maybe this Jackie Schroff look is working
LOL. I dont think Desi women smile back even if Jackie Shroff himself comes. It’s probalby your personal charm
You do just that- keep smiling - maybe someday u will get one in return- and tehy will not be gay or amway- just a reader of this blog perhaps
I love the Amway guy angle!!!
to be fair though, we dont smile at strangers in india… and its probably a shock to see another person of obvious indian origin doing something so western!!!
“shock, bewilderment, fear, oh-my-god-he-is-going-to-rape-me fear, disgust”
Did you look like a rapist? Check ur dress code even while going to library;-) j/k
Nothing wrong with saying hi or smiling but my husband think that if you smile, other people take you as cheap, no character (wo)man. Who cares what other people think as long as ur intentions are right, right?
Oh-my-go-he-is-going-to-rape!!
And I totally agree with your observation.. and is also one of my pet peeve.. why don’t Indians smile at me. I thought it was me all these day .. thank god i found you
Thay wont think u r a mutant but a amway person for sure.
I used to smile at people when I moved from Bay Area to Florida. Fell prey to many amway people. So now if a formally dressed desi smiles at me I turn my face classifying him as an amway guy.
too funny! well, i’d smile at and talk back to you — even though you’re obviously a mutant!
“It’s probably your personal charm”
Oh yeah, that must be it.
hey, common guys..give us a break here!
It is not that we are antisocial. It is just a dearly acquired, tierelessly honed survival skill. It is to survive all the eve teasing attacks we faced on our way to school/college. Best way to avoid the highly unwelcome attention was to have a permanent frown fixed on your face, look straight and keep walking. It is going to take more than a few years to get over that habit, so patience please…:)
see, I smiled…
OH MY GOD!! hilariously amusing obervation and unfortunately the truth… Majority of wedding photos…you’ll find somber faces. You observe the bride’s face, and you think Dam! she really must not be happy!?!? So the truth is out there…(most) Indians don’t smile ; ) . It must be an Asian thing, i find the Chinese can’t smile either…
*sigh*
didn’t anyone as yet tell u why r u smiling at me? do i know u?
Funny this. On my recent trip to Chennai, I found myself ack. and smiling (well, almost) at strangers, then would freeze realizing it is Chennai, and those sort of things are a no-no (t)here.
It seems like big cities (ie, high Indian population) are more smile-wary compared to the smaller places. There is this point of equilibrium somewhere. Small place, you are eager to meet fellow desis. Big cit, they are just plain annoying. Then there is that innate Indian skepticism at play too. You wonder what they want.
I would put it down to Ingrained Indianness, i.e. Living in India. ABCDs may be brown-skinned but they behave white, so it just depends on the culture you’re most comfortable with. I had no qualms nodding and smiling at most folks in the U.S., but the reactions I got from suspicious sari-clad ammas (look at the hussy with the painted nails and the western style…ram ram!) made me quit and run for cover. Besides, who would really want to risk being invited to yet another hing-scented home?
DNA: Becoz of some weird tricks with our desi doing to others, peopel wanan stay out of it. Why do you talk about mall. When I go to gym I saw an another indian girl and have her a good smile. Dman she turned her head to an another side.
I thought wat a stupid attitude and ego our people have.
Next time if you take them out for good food, may be they can smile for the tips.
heyy that is true..Brownies dont smile or aknowledge another Brownie’s existance
True…
The first idea which I got to my mind which I got while reading this was “Amway…. lets avoid this guy”
And the first comment says that. So I know now that there are quite a few victims of this
lol, necessary eveils of familiarity I guess..
Nice vow
This is ssooooooooooo true, but again, I agree the fact about the amway guys.. i see so many desi faces around here and am tempted to greet them, chat with them and end up looking like a lost stray puppy at them giving that biiiiiiig smile but the touch-me-not bearing and indifferent attitude just shuts me out..
i wish the smiling brown guys visit the places we frequent
Well, thankfully amway isnt that popular in the UK.. So, its still safe to smile or return a smile.. I spent 9 month in San Jose and I didnt realise how dangerous it was when approached by desi people with some innocent query.. Within 5 minutes, the topic of amway some how crops up and its a real nightmare wriggling your way out of that conversation.. LOL..
Your posts are really interesting and hilarious to read. Good job.. Keep it going..
People are weird… they tend to imagine stuff, I mean you smile or exchange a meaningless greeting to somebody and they think they are in love with you… really weird. Anyway, I prefer smiling to kids and old folks, they always have interesting things to say.
So true! I feel the same here sometimes (S’pore). Its actually a very sweet thing to greet people when v make eye contact - a gesture i really admire. Coming from a typical indian background, i am now slowly learning to do the same. But it is strange to even think of how my indian counterparts would react to such a gesture! I guess i would be leaving them more confused at the end of the day, as they go past me thinking “who is this girl who smiled at me? have i met her b4?”
You hit the nail right on the spot,this has been a topic of discussion amogst so many of our desi friends here.It’s like a blasphemy to smile at a another desi,either you get that damn-are-you-crazy look or keep-off-me-creep look.We did meet some people who however do take time to acknowledge you and yes the quick and friendly ones are always Amway!I still smile at desis just to see that reaction and hoping someday someone will give us back a genuine one.Loved the post!
Oh God! look at this blog! I was just wondering the other day why there were no posts …then decided to hop over and leave a “where are you” comment,then realized you made a shift to your own domain and that I forgot to update Bloglines…and I missed so many posts
anyway…will have something to keep me busy in office now:)
their expressions would be priceless going by your post
and good…in fact if I were you, I’d not only smile but also give my desi friends a warm hug
A lot has been happening here while i’ve been away i see! ( i really need to spend more time in the blogosphere).
Hey…everytime i smile at some random desi guy even when am in India, just coz i happened to catch his eye or stand next to him at the check out counter, he takes that as his cue to hit on me/ assume i am desperate for male company/ follow me around like a halfwit pup.
actaully i have to admit i have this weird stratification -smile at desi women who look like they are newlyweds and missing home and can’t figure out the Wal-Mart aisle system; definitely smile at uncleji cabbies in hopes of dispensing with tip; smile at uncle-auntys at grocery store counters in vague hopes of getting discount; and definitely smile at all other sweet chaps who don’t look shady or desp. it helps spreads some cheer, na??
keep smiling tdna!
I was looking forward to vote you in Indibloggies Weblog awards but was surprised not to find you nominated for any of the categories
Happy V-day Brown Man
HUGGGGGGGGGZ!
Keshi.
This is amazing stuff man,
u write awesome.keep it up.
-venky
hi:
I’m male, US citizen, european & cherokee breed living in Bay Area and I don’t smile. People have disdain for me in Bars or parties because of it. I just don’t think it’s in my genes to smile?
take care
More apt would be - Brown people can’t smile… at each other! It’s one of the first things you observe. We smile at non-desis and say our howdys well enough but when it comes to desis, noses up in the air for the most part! I smile at pleasant faces, desi or not!
Laughed out load reading about your library encounter, TDNA! So well written, I could actually see the whole gamut of emotions on that poor woman’s face with whom you dared to make a passing comment!
THis is so true!!! I went thru the same thing when we first came to CA!! it looked like the Indians had glued their lips to their teeth… no smile, not even acknowledgment!!
But I hv noticed these men trying to twist their lips into grotesque smiles when a firangi babe passes them! So brown men can’t smile…. at brown (wo)men !!!
Ur posts are too good!!
LOL - A very good post. Desi men and women are the same in this matter. I guess we are taught not to smile at strangers and every Indian is a stranger to us!!!!
Hahaa temme about it … I was in Venice day before yesterday … and after 3-4 days I saw an Indian woman there … I was so glad to see her but from her expressions it looked like she had seen a ghost!! Even my gori friend Maggie noticed it! Initially it used to annoy me a lot but now I’ve figured out the reason behind it … Like weather like people!
I realise, over the years, even I’m becoming cold … met 2 guys from Punjab yesterday in Pisa … and even though am a punjabi I was ashamed to talk to them in Punjabi … perhaps I thought they would judge me or mock me .. or well … I don’t really know what it was!
WOW!
This post totally resonates my feelings. I have recently moved to the bay area from India and this strange phenomena hit me in the face and added more to my depression of the change.
Reading this post actually made me feel better, as a reassurance that its not me, its the people out there.
I am definitely going to link this in my post about my experience as a first time immigrant. Also, I am also going to continue to smile. I wish I could see you around someday and get a smile in response
Oh btw, just realized that I have gotten so much used to this behavior, that once when a person actually smiled back and talked, i got confused and thought in my mind “amway wala hi kya?” he he
Thanks for sharing
Can someone please tell me what “amway” is?