Monthly Archive for February, 2007

Hold me, thrill me, kiss me, kill me

While you drench yourself in the unadulterated commercialism of the Valentines Day, take a moment to think what kind of a kisser you are:

The Vacuum Cleaner: Believes kiss is the vacuum seal of love. As soon as an air-tight lip-lock is achieved, he sucks hard enough to collapse her lungs.

The Archeologist: Within a few nano seconds of initial contact, he digs the tongue deep enough to cause a gag reflex.

The Hairdresser: She habitually passes her hand through the guy’s hair messing up his expensive hair-do. Messing the hair is OK for guys, but not for just a kiss.

The Epicurean: Proceeds to the abomination of a kiss with remnants of her lunch firmly implanted between her teeth.

The Unsure: Typically a guy at the end of a date. Not willing to kiss on the cheek and not quite gathering the nerve to kiss on the lips, lands the kiss in the no man’s land between the cheek and the edge of the lips.

The Announcer: Announces the actions before doing them. “I am going to gently nibble on your lips now.” It might be exciting at the beginning but pretty soon it will feel like a scripted TV show and you would want to change the channel.

The Venus De Milo: Just like her phone calls, she likes to take her kisses handsfree. She lets her hands hang by her sides like wet towels. The guy would typically have to pin her to the wall to stop her from falling over.

The Drifters: Where lips keep sliding out of position and the couple having to realign themselves repeatedly. It may also be an indication that one of them is about to die of suffocation.

The Dental Dueler: With his firm conviction that harder you press better the kiss, he applies enough pressure for the lips to give way and teeth to clatter.

The Decibelle: As soon as, or even before, the lips met, the woman begins moaning heavily, making the guy wonder if he is standing on her foot. In such cases if the guy is hoping to score that night, he better find a place in the middle of nowhere.

Your Additions

The Washing Machine: He who believes the tongue can substitute the spin dryer [From: babelfish]

The Dracula: Who bites/chews the other person’s lips enough to draw blood, without letting them participate in the kiss. May be garlic does work in chasing away this dracula!! [From: beenthere]

St.Bernard: The guy who thinks that licking all over her face (in the manner of a dog..)is normal part of kissing [From: Sakshi]

Desi Kisser: Where the guy approaches with wide mouth open right away . .. no getting to the tongue kiss [From: Sakshi]

Kisser-of-death: When the guy tries to suck ur mouth instead of nibbling the lips. It feels like sudden death [From: Keshi]

The Seal: Pastes you with the saliva and leaves you foaming in the mouth. [From: Shreemoyee]

Guiness book of record holder: prolongs it so much that u may die of suffocation [From: itchingtowrite]

Arjun: Extremely focussed on the kiss only. doesn’t bother whether the other is enjoying or not. [From: itchingtowrite]

Stolen kiss: this one is by secret lovers in India- keeps the eye open to watch out for people coming so that they could end the kiss fast [From: itchingtowrite]

The Freezer Fish: The one where one of the participants leaves his/her eyes completely opened resembling a Dead Fish straight out of the freezer section of your local grocery store [From: Mary P]

The Deadbolt: Isn’t opening that mouth for anything (see any old Elvis movie for visual technique [From: Gnightgirl]

The Octopus – the second a lip lock is achieved the hands grope with a vengeance. [From: La Vida Loca]

The Monotone – same kissy routine each time, every time. [From: La Vida Loca]

The Biter- self explanatory. [From: La Vida Loca]

Brown men can’t smile

I did it again! I claimed another victim. While walking in the mall the other day I made another Indian guy completely freeze in his tracks and look at me in disbelief. I didn’t do anything outlandish. I smiled at him. He must have concluded I was an Indian mutant with extra face muscles enabling me to exert a smile. I lived in bay area long enough; I must have learned that smiling at other Indians is a strict no-no.

Soon after my arrival in the US, I noticed that most people here greet each other, by a smile, nod or a hello, when they pass each other. And very soon after that I realized that such rule doesn’t apply when Indians encounter other Indians. We don’t smile at each other. I never understood why we approach each other with caution. I think we firmly believe that the Indian guys who smile at you are either Amway, or gay or both.

If you live in the bay area and come across another Indian, this is what you need to do:

  1. Under no circumstances make an eye contact. Pretend he is transparent and look through him.
  2. In the unthinkable event that you actually made eye contact, give him the “are you trying to steal my job” look.
  3. If the other guy stretches his lips into an expression unbeknownst to you, look at him as if he were an alien with a foot-long nose hair.

The situation is worse with women. For a smile most Indian women reflexively respond with a frown. Is it somehow worked into the belief system that if you don’t frown back, it would be taken as an invitation to hit on them?

One day I made the mistake of saying some pleasantries to a desi woman. We both entered the library at the same time and walked straight to the water cooler. So I said, “It’s unusually warm, isn’t it?” She perked up and looked at me with shock, as if the question had the connotation of a mating call in the culture she grew up in. A gamut of expressions ran in her face.   shock, bewilderment, fear, oh-my-god-he-is-going-to-rape-me fear, disgust and frown. She gurgled yes and bolted from there.

But I vow not to change. I will continue to smile at people and make small talk. I don’t care if they think I am a mutant.

The Kindergarten deal

Spotted at a local Wal-Greens:

They must call it the “Kindergarten deal”