Craptastic!

When software engineers in California are not dreaming about going skinny dipping with Angelina Jolie, they are dreaming about making millions of dollars by starting a software company. I do too. I mean the latter part.

I have an idea for this wonderful software. I don’t know how to make the software yet, but a like a true day dreamer, I prepared the packing and the feature list for the software. Let me share my idea with you.

(Click on the image to enlarge. Read product description after the image)

What is Craptastic?
Craptastic is an amazing new software that reads a Bollywood (or other Indian movie) DVD and makes it into a movie that is actually watchable. All you have to do is pop the DVD into your computer, run the software, burn a DVD and watch it! You will never have to hurt your fingers again by holding the “2x” button for one and half hours.

Feature list:

  • Using modern and complex algorithms, this software makes Aishwarya Roy look like she is almost acting
  • Searches each frame and digitally puts a shirt on Salman Khan’s disgusting bare body
  • Since most songs are rip off of English songs, those songs will be replaced by original English songs
  • Using digital pattern recognition mechanism, this software makes dying characters die as soon as they say, “I am dying” sparing the viewer the 10 minute monologue
  • By a patented new technology called ChildAgeCorrect, this software adds realism to movies by making children look at least as old as the dialogs they are spewing out. Warning: Most kids in movies will look 18
  • Coat color correction: Rich people in the movie will wear normal gray, blue or black suits instead of orange, green or lavender.
  • We all know how distracting those protean sweat patches under the armpits of heroes and heroines that are changing in every frame. This softwake make them look exactly the same in every frame
  • (Only for Tamil movies) Applies strategic pixallation in fight scenes where the hero is wearing a lungi.
  • And many more features!

Bonus software included:
MovieExperience is a great fun software that comes free with Craptastic. Applying MovieExperience will enhance the sound track so that your movie watching experience is closer to watching in a theater. Some features include:

  • Adds the voice of the annoying guy talking in the back row
  • Adds crying babies (up to 8)
  • Adds the voice of that 12 year old girl who already saw the movie and providing a preview of the upcoming scene
  • Adds whistles and hoots when the heroine’s pallu drops
  • After the movie ends, it adds instant reviews in real voices like, “What a load of crap,” “I want my money back” etc.
Order now!

72 Responses to “Craptastic!”


  • so wen is it going to be available in market.. are u gonna make trial version available on net… :P

  • Ingenious!! :)
    Patent this crap thingy asap .. Bill Gates is watching..

    P.S. You should have released it in market before KANK. You could have made millions. But K.Jo wont disappoint you. He’ll make many more! :)

  • Tamilians wearing lungis in fight scenes??? :-O
    What if it falls off? It wont be PG anymore!

  • fantastic idea, take my order now!!!
    and whats it abt ya logo. dont be surprised if NIKE sues you.

  • Does plastic mean money to you? Do you deal in it???

  • LOlzz! :)
    this is going to be first of its kind isnt it ?

  • Where do I mail my check????
    TD, the world will bless you!

  • I love it…Lol
    I want it sooon so I can sit thru hindi and regional movies..
    sheer enius man!!

  • A better solution would be not to watch the movies which seem to cause so much agony. Would save the cost of the original dvd and the proposed software.

  • hey dude you know who else is from california ( i think ) chuck norris and if you go to http://www.m0hid.gov.hu/vote you can name a bridge after him.
    all you have to do is find the his name in the ABC Szerint then save on elzüld.
    at least do it so he can beat stephen colbert and that asshole zrinnyi

  • the inquisitive akka:
    as soon as I finish coding ;)

    apy:
    looks like there is a lot of demand for it :) man i should really do this

    anu:
    “before KANK”
    Oh, I am not worried. I can count on Bollywood to keep producing crap without fail

    nachi:
    You can cash for the product or are you just trying to bribe me to write the software sooner ;)

    video:
    “What if it falls off? ”
    That’s exactly where the software comes in :)

    harshavardhan reddy:
    I should be worried more about the company I stole the package image from because it’s their logo :)

    crizzie criz!:
    Plastic is the only money I know :) Really, I don’t carry more than 10 buck in my pocket

    white forest:
    Yes, unless somebody steals my idea ;)

    dilnavaz:
    You genrally mail a check at the postoffice ;)

    la vida loca:
    that is the exact reason why I thought about it

    shreemoyee:
    If people don’t watch movies, what’s the benifit for us or Bollywood? If we have this software Bollywood can keep making crap, people can keep enjoying movies and we can make money – Win-Win-Win!

  • he he he could not control my laughter…. does it also simulate the kicks at your seat back or teh child who definitely cathes your hair while walkign at the back row or the silhouettes of latecomers…. or the vendors who start coming before the interval or the crunch of the popcorn & the smell of the patties

  • hahah!
    Wonderful idea..ur a genuis…bollywood needs a person like u…!
    Now just get down to making this software so that poor souls like is can be saved from the torcher of watching films like KANK!

  • Twisted DNA, Founder CEO of Craptastic Inc ;) When does it get into production.

  • am gonna sue u for plotting and scheming and devising means to use my clients movies n modifying dem witout express licence to do so (tats d IPR lawyer in me speaking)

    by d way (off record) wen is it releasing (ur software) coz i wanna order one too :P

  • Hmm… so the thing is… if we use the Craptastic thingamajiggy, we wont have any bollywood movies to laugh at anymore.

  • Brilliant post. Would have been perfect for watching KANK which I saw yesterday. Complete with an obnoxious and opinionated guy on my left and a mother with a toddler on my left…

  • Win-Win situation? Let me analogize what you call the win -win situation.

    One knows that hitting your head with a hammer will hurt, but you go ahead and hit yourself any way and then whimper that you are hurt and propose to invent a hammer with a sponge head to alleviate the pain. The main point is that you intend to continue hitting yourself with a hammer no matter what. You will perhaps then ask around to see if there are more people who have done the same and form sympathy support groups or laugh it off, but masochism, that is a must.

    Yeah definitely the software is needed here.

  • @Shreemoyee: I would analogize slightly differently. Watching a Hindi movie would be like reading People magazine. You know it’s crap and that you really should be doing something with your life instead. But hell, it’s so floozy, you can’t wait to see how much floozier it’ll get! The upside with People, though, is that you can skip the pages that are completely torturous–which is where our very own Craptastic comes in. :-)

  • Dilnavaz : A dvd has a fast forward button. But you said it too. It is a matter of choice.

  • itchingtowrite:
    “does it also simulate the kicks at your seat back or teh child who definitely cathes your hair”
    LOL. I didn’t think of that! At one movie when there was a song, one guy in the row behind was rhythemically hitting my seat with his foot, not even realizing he was doing it. When I asked him to stop, he was very embarrassed and apologized :)

    anand:
    I am planning to off-shore everything to Honk Kong and hire a development VP. Know anybody good? ;)

    me:
    You know, CEO of Craptastic doesn’t sound all that good. I need to think of a better name ;)

    asawari:
    he he he. I will move to China, the land of no-copyright-law ;)

    video::
    Software can only do so much. If you remove ALL ridiculous stuff from the movies, there won’t be any movies left :) So there will be enough stuff to laugh about after you run the s/w

    rohini:
    Kids at movies are a big problem! You can’t even say anything. If you do, you become this anti-kid uncool person

    dilnavaz:
    Thanks for the show of support. You have been hired as the Marketing director of Craptastic Inc. :)

    shreemoyee:
    “A dvd has a fast forward button.”
    The s/w automates that for you too! All we care about is making your life easy (and make money, not necessarily in the same order)

  • This is hilarious but so true. In reality it would sell soon, my hubby for one will be the first one to buy it.he is always 2xx to move it along faster.

  • This is very hilarious! Can resist my laughter after going through it Good one! keep pouring!:)

  • hey,
    when is this product coming out…am already signing up as ur customer!:-)

  • Thanks, TD…I’ll throw in my PR expertise too…for free! After all, we’re here to keep our customers happy, right? ;-)

  • need a marketing manager? ;-)
    also, i offer my services for beta-testing!! :D

  • Where were you for so many years genious? Nice one.

  • :) Great idea. Let me know, probably we can opensource it. That would be the biggest ever opendev effort in s.w history.

  • Is there anything you can do about the fight sequences that are supposed to be the intro scenes for the starrers? They are dangerously stupid and inane.

  • Cant wait for it to be in the market :-) . Of late, I gave up watching Hindi movies to spare myself a headache and hallucinations. A brilliant post.

  • Are you serious ?
    I think i should wait for p2p uploads !..LOL

  • LOL!! The tittle “Craptastic” is excellent too :)

  • starry nights:
    Ya, me too. I watch most of the movie in 4x (the fastest setting on our DVD player)

    indianangel:
    Thanks :)

    Ekta:
    Looks like there is as a lot of interest. I might really have to work on it ;)

    Dilnavaz:
    Exactly, we are here to keep the customers happy ;) We are a good team, we understand each others’ drift well :)

    nithya:
    You will be a good marketing manager. But you will have to work from home because you are too accident prone and we don’t want you to set the office on fire or anything by accident :)

    Astral:
    Where were you all these years when I was looking for customers :)

    Prasad:
    LOL. You are right. People will jump to contribute to this!

    Deepa:
    I didn’t think of those long fight scecnes too. If we remove the fight scenes too, there won’t anything to waatch in the movie. May be we should make the characters involved in the fight say jokes while they fight. It will at least be entertaining

    SushSyam:
    LOL@hallucinations.

    prabhu:
    p2p LOL, I didn’t think of that! I think we’ll have to add some anti-piracy code such as, if you don’t have license, the software will automatically add Mithun Chakraborthi to the movie ;)

    Liz:
    Thanks :)

  • Fantastic idea !!

    Since all Bollywood movies are rip off of Hollywood movies, can put the original one though.

    Suggestion for the product – Please remove all those unnecessary singing and dancing :)

  • a few more things to add for enhancing this terrific product:

    Like, it must have an in-built, pre-loaded and selectable memory sensors that will delete Himesh R songs before the movie starts. it should also give the users to choose the other alien behaviors (some already preloaded and continuously updated) like SRK’s ‘aeeeeee….oeeeeeee…hunnnnnnnnnn’ types, suniel shetty’s always open mouth etc to get rid off.

  • This compliment should have u floored:
    I m now reading Gerald Durrel, who is supposed to be very funny.. and have gone through the first chapter with a genuinly amused smile.. but your posts.. really have me laughing out loud (in physical terms).. and in office.. at that!!!

  • heh heh this is hilarious!! I am blogrolling you right away!!

  • greensatya:
    That’s a good idea. Then we can probably cut Hindi movies to 2.5 hours!

    surfyder:
    LOL@Sunil Shetty’s mouth :)

    how do we know:
    Wow, that’s quite a compliment. I will need to frame it and keep it in my office like a memento :)

    varsha:
    Cool! Thanks for blogrolling :)

  • Wow !!! Where can I buy this software ?

  • Hilarious post! I don’t think I would buy the software though. I actually enjoy watching Biwi No. 1 over and over and over again. Then again, maybe I do need help.

  • bablu:
    On this site, as soon as I am done writng it :)

    alan:
    “Then again, maybe I do need help.”
    ROFL. Biwi No.1, huh. If you can take that, you don’t need this software :)

  • Oh man, this is funny :)

    I can see lots of strategic alliances in the making…team up with K.Johar types so that he will make movies that absolutely positively require a Craptastic for viewing! Oh wait, he does that already…

    How about embedded Craptastic in movie watching glasses? ala 3-D glasses? you can “personalize” the experience for everyone!! one gets to choose the level of “crap” filtered :)

    hilarious post!

    cheers!

  • Bwahahahahahaha!!!

    Now why didn’t I think of this????

  • LOL at ‘makes Ash look like she’s acting’ Just for that, have decided I love you!:-D
    And then of course, the fact that your software is going to make you a millionaire adds to the gloss.

  • OMG. I think I’m in love with this product. THIS WAS SOOOOO MADE FOR ME!!!!

    Woo-hooo!! Sakshi just blogged about me:

    Over the past couple of months I would say I have some-what managed to understand the psychic of this “I-Am-Above-Hindi Films” breed – all thanks to a good friend with whom I quarrel almost every other weekend when deciding what to watch at the cinemas. And believe me, she isn’t the polite sort either and would leave no stone unturned in expressing her dislike for Bollywood

    And I am going to refer her to this product :D Wish it were here already.

  • Death by chocolate has just been replaced with Death by Humor Simpson aka U :) Keep spinning twister!

  • lmao..esp on the Bonus Software piece :D

    guess the lungi part is more applicable for mallu movies & whats with all the lals and mhd kuttys jumping out of lorries in lungis?! lol

  • lmao esp on the Bonus Software piece :D

    the pixallation lungi is better applicable for mallu movies…whats with all the lals and mhd kuttys jumping out of lorries in their lungies?! lol

  • ah this is funny.. this product is for non-indians..

  • hmm.. now foreigners can watch indian movies !!

  • You missed out one feature, To make old men look their age eg. Govinda looking like a teenager when he acts like a college going student.

  • LOL … hilarious! I love your blog .. thanks for making my day :-)

  • Hey, Just landed on the site thru Labnol. And its funny, as goes without saying. I appreciate your writings and the fact that humor comes so easy to you.
    Keep writing’
    Cheers!!

  • Haha thats surely funny. Keep writing and cheers in keeping the good humor alive..

  • Virtual Creative Crack Pot

    Amazin man..too good…just extend the software to watch 2 or 3 movies at the same time….so we can have somethin like phoonk with hera pheri and KANK..wht say it shall add value to the basic software and increase the target segment for ur product…We should also be able to shift characters and dialogues..wht say???boss its just JHAKAAS..all the best

  • This is really Hilareous,

    This blog site was refered to me by one of my friend, today.,… i loved all the articlaes in the faviourite column

    But specially here i thought it will be worth while leaving a comment..

    How did u manage not to write anything about the great “Rajnikanth” and his stunts defying laws of physics…

    for the record i leave here couple of his out of this world scenes

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hBOiHR4jAaw

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i-zfTgd8n48

    enjoy..

  • Its also useful to make a patch for specicially those rajnikanth’s physics defying action sequence..

    Watch:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OX6aqKAfAW0
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qY12PFUnnaA

  • hehe.. seems like a lifesaver. how about adding some audio tweakers that would make himesh reshammiya sound human, .. and maybe you also add a feature that would upon suitable evidence say out loud “this movie is a rip-off from xyz..” Ah, the list seems endless.
    hope you are working on it. btw adding you on my blogroll.

  • Generally I do not post on blogs, but I would like to say that this post really forced me to do so! really nice post.

  • I must say that you provide genuine, quality information. Thanks for this!

    BTW, dpn’t you think your blog needs a better wordpress template?

  • Nice style of writting and ur really funny .. but with all due respect ..dint you watch Black, Sholay, 3 idiots, Munna Bhai,…. Com’on we have good Indian movies in Hindi. We dont need this software for ALL Indian movies ….

  • nice blog post about this subject. this makes me ask a question though, so i dont really understand the relation of this topic and your entire blog. it just doesnt go together. But nontheless i found it very helpful. Cheers, Rizwan

  • Ha haha..nice post.
    You can also make additions to it by taking one cult ham movie after another and see what Craptastic will do to them.
    For instance, it would have to completely overright a film like Manoj Kumar’s Clerk or Mithun Chakraborty’s Karate.
    Ofcourse there are many more..

  • i want to watch bollywood movies because they are very colorful and lively;*:

  • Bollywood Movies are very colorful and mostly they are musical stuffs like Broadway`~”

  • bollywood movies are quite cheesy isn’t it? but they are nice stuffs too`,~

  • This article is blue ribbon material as far as I’m concerned. I haven’t used my brain so much in years. This is very interesting content.

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