How handymen are made, or not
Published August 3rd, 2006
The shower at our house has two settings - scalding hot or freezing cold. After getting burnt, frozen, burnt and frozen in the span of two seconds, I decided to do something about it last Saturday.
Here is the chronology of events:
10:30 AM:
Decide to fix the problem
10:45 AM:
Read from the “Do It Yourself Home Repair” book that the problem is easily fixed by changing the shower stem.
10:46 AM:
Google to find out what the hell a shower stem is
10:57 AM:
Groan realizing “Do
It Yourself Home Repair” and I have disagreement on the definition of “easy.”
11:20 AM:
At Home Depot
11:40 AM:
Still cruising Home Depot to find faucet stem. Ok, take a deep breath and ask for help
11:55 AM:
After the numbnut associate took me on the exact same route I traversed to find the stem, look for somebody who has a clue and ask for help
12:30 PM:
Back home with the stem
12:40 PM: 
Shut off the water
12:41 PM:
thirsty. Curse loudly remembering I had just turned off the water. I deserve a coke anyway.
12:50 PM:
Take off the shower knob. Home repair isn’t that hard after all
12:51 PM:
Realize I don’t have Pipe wrench to remove the existing stem. Panic. Curse Home Depot. Curse neighbor’s dog, for no specific reason
12:52 PM:
Oh wait, the new stem came with a stem wrench
01:00 PM:
OK, got the stem out. All I have to do is put the new stem in, call my friends and brag about it
01:01 PM:
Funny optical illusions. The new stem in my hand looks considerably larger than the opening it needs to go into
01:02 PM:
Holy crap. It’s the wrong size
02:00 PM:
Back from Home Depot armed with right sized stem
02:30 PM:
Stem firmly in place, I am minutes away from a lazy afternoon
02:40 PM:
*&*%%! now the knob doesn’t fit. This white threaded thing the knob has to slide onto, is too short. What the hell is this white tube thing called anyway?
02:45 PM: Look up my trusted “Do It Yourself Home Repair” and figure out it’s called a nipple. Giggle like a school girl.
02:46 PM:
Need to figure out the size of the *giggle,giggle* nipple
02:50 PM:
Explain to shocked wife why I was looking up “nipple” on google
03:30 PM: Go to Home Depot. Explain to the lady associate, who jumped in front of me asking “May I help you”, what I am looking for in phrases that do not include any human body parts
03:45 PM:
15 minutes of searching and the only nipples I found were of the red-necks walking around without shirts. With a sudden surge in gray matter activity, realize if the nipple doesn’t fit the knob, buy a new knob. I am a genius!
04:00 PM: Back home. Everything fits! Whoohoo. But why is the water coming out of the wall though?
04:01 PM:
Goddamnit, I didn’t tighten the stem enough.
04:10 PM:
Aha! All done now. All I have to do is brag about it, carefully skipping over the part where I dropped the wrench on my toe
41 Responses to “How handymen are made, or not”
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Congratulations! There is no way I could do something like that with a DIY book. I am a girl *evil grin*
Times like this, when I am happy being a girl and i just have to call any of the dozen men i know and ask them to come prove it!
But, i miss India, where i could’ve just called the friendly neighborhood handyman who can do everything from fixing the plumbing to raking the yard and all it would cost me is less than 100 rupees! *sigh*
lol… /*Curse neighbor’s dog, for no specific reason*/
That actually happens a lot of times in these situations .. lol
But congrats .. u were able to finish it..
He he he he!! Good one!
So how many times was it that you went to Home Depot? Is it right next door?
so the next time, ur gonna call the plumber. are’nt u??
kudos to you.
you really had patience visiting home depot, but congratulations, you finally did it, without using phrases that included human body parts
Congratulations on not flooding the place!
lol
Congratulations.. you actually finished in about 6 hours!! When it started I bet myself the story will end with “And called the plumber”.. but it didnt!!
hahahahaHA
I like it.
i hate to respond to a funny story with a serious view…but!
its amazing how men dont really know how to DIY stuff at home… you need carpenters, plumbers, electricians.. at home my dad can still open up the music system, sort out the prob and put it back right… the OA on the other hand can’t unscrew a light bulb without someone holding the chair and the bulb.
and then men complain that women dont cook anymore!
Bravo!! now you deserve that coke…
Hhahaha!
I Hate Do-It-Yourself projects… so..I got married..now my husband does them for me!! (LOL!!)
you must be feeling great accomplishing that manly task.Congratulations !
I recently found your blog and can’t get enough of it. I think you are hilarious. I am blogrolling you. Keep up the good work
freespirit:
I miss India too for the same reason! I hate
DIY stuff, uless it involves some
electronics.
apy:
Ya, think of all the things I cursed but
didn’t mention in the blog
strictly for my friends:
Ya, fortunately (unfortunately?) we live
about 2 miles from a Home Depot. Every time
we pass by it, my wife thinks of something
that needs to be done to the house!
harshavardhan reddy:
Unfortunately, now that my wife knows I could
do some (clumsy) plumbing, she wont’ let me
call the plumber any more. This is what is
known as no good deed goes unpunished
risha:
It’s not the patience that made the visit the
home depot but the lack of water
It’s a
mistake to turn the water off before I made
sure I had all the stuff I need.
video:
I came inches to flooding the place and
filling the wall with water
That’s one
thing I hate about US. It’s all wood! Water
damages everything. In India, I can throw a
bucket of water anywhere in the house and not
be worried
how do we know:
“When it started I bet myself the story will
end with “And called the plumber”.”
Me too, when I stared
la vida loca:
Thanks
the mad momma:
If I had said that about women and cooking, I
would have been flamed out of blogspot. In
the changing world, the line between the
abilities of genders is fading… which is a
good thing. As for me, I can handle
electronics and computers but nothing related
to hour repairs and cars! So, if you want to
control the faucet with a remote control, I
am your man. If the faucet is leaking, I
won’t be found anywhere near
nachi:
We seriously cut
May be more than one
down on all soda. So drinking a soda is a
privilage these days and happens rarely, may
be once in a month.
prespective inc.:
I hate DIY stuff too but in my case marriage
exacerbated the problem
sharda:
“manly task” haha. I don’t think a guy fumbling with screws, dropping the wrench on toe, looking clueless in general is the traditional picture of manliness but it’s an accomplishment for me for sure
bindu:
Welcome to the blog. Glad you liked it. Thanks for the blogroll!
I think it will be the only time “googling up nipple” will be allowed…
LOL! Congratz!
ouch!
that almost sounded pathetically painful!!
Haha…dont worry wev had similar experiences fitting the water filter at home coz so far in Idia wev been pampered to let the plumber or repair man do his job!…It took n readings of the manual to really understand all its parts and the entire process..sigh!
So…how’s the old toe doing?
Did you look up ‘broken toe’ on the ‘net and splint it yourself or….?
:)
Wow, a well deserved ‘Congratulations’ for you.
These are the reasons, I think ‘plumbing’ is the coolest and most sought after job.
My kitchen sink is blocked……
anu:
Thanks for the “Put vote” mention
ekta:
Ya, in my case reading the manual didn’t help either
tai:
He he he. I don’t even trust the recipies from internet… I would be very hesitant to try medical procedures from there
greensatya:
I am on my way with my wrench
I am sorry you droppped the wrench on the floor, but you did finish the job and got to write this really hilarious post. Think I am going to come to you for answers on the DIY projects.
Loved your blog, and loved the whoile handyman business. Impressive work I must add.
> Curse neighbor’s dog, for no specific reason
hahahaha! good one!
congrats, “genius” on getting it done, inspite of all the temptations & obstructions in your way. 
On a Sunday morning ..No way would I be working on my house. I would rather call all my friends and bitch abt the water not coming .. Land at someones house and take a shower. That sounds easier .
./thanks
ilaiy
Oh man!
I soo relate to this!!!
Hate doing this…why cant we have plumbers to do this goddam job!!
and why does this always have to be a mans job??
Whatever happened to equality??!
starry nights
But I know you are secretly wishing to see me drop wrenches on my toes 
Thanks for vote of confidence
jhantu
Thanks
The Girl From Ipanema
ROFL. Truly said, all the “obstructions”
ilaiy
Man you need a wife… you sound too happy
Anand
Haha. Exactly, equality rules only apply when it comes to T.V. remote etc.
good job. next time try fixing up the thermostat in your shower stem. fine I have done it and i have exprience before you shout ” hell dont give me suggestion and advice ”
heihei.. thanks to my dad - he always did things of pulmbing, gardening, carpentry, electrical work.. and no doubt i took engineering to do things of my own.
is int it fun.. i enjoy doing
okie simple stuff. - you buy a thermostat knob for the shower . fix it instead of your knob to open the shower - it has temperature marking - it allows the cold and hot water in propotion to temperature.
check it up.
it would have been really funny if after all that you were still getting burnt and frozen.
known stranger
That sounds like a neat idea. I didn’t know about those thermostats. But I hope I won’t have to touch any of the shower thigns for some time now
the agony aunt
I still do, but it’s a different shower
LOL!!! You think you can do something about mine when you’re in India?? I have the same problem!
let this be the start of ‘the list of alternate professions that pay more than your regular job’
and go on adding to it…i’v started mine….its fun!!
You said, nipple.
Thanks, for stopping. Hope to see you often.
Ahh .. half way down this post.. i feel so very fortunate to have the good old water geyser with the traditional balti and tumbler
Love the wood-fired furnace of my village bathroom too!!
Hey, our shower is on the fritz too….think I’ll call the plumber and avoid the need for Googling “nipple”. Great post.
H
I curse Home Depot regularly too. But I keep going back. I’m addicted to home renovation sadly.
dilnavaz:
I see that a second profession is in my future
nithya:
With my skills, I don’t plumbing pays more than a summer job. But there definitely are alternate jobs that can pay more than what I make.
anon:
I said a lot of things, but people do quote that specific word most
nagesh pai:
For the likes of me, not having direct access to fire is actually a good thing
h.e.eigler:
Haha. If I can do it, you can do it too. It’s probably physically impossible to be worse than me
spider girl:
That is one addiction I am sure I will never have.
Hilarious read! Hope the shower’s still working
Nee:
DON’T jinx it
*giggle, giggle,giggle*..bether **
laugh, laugh and laugh!!
Congratulations!